INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

These are the 'contest judges' written notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey & fell into it:


"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State
Fair in Texas, & was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, & I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event & a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, & besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

- Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy sheeyat, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

- Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am suppose to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

- Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting [Bleeeeep!]-faced.

- Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. beeyotch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

- Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted & 4 people behind me colapsed. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage and maybe an ulcer. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

- Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
& peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions & garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. ... I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

- Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, & I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, & the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like [Bleeeeep!] to match
my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

-Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell & pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: ............ grrgle.

[ 05-04-2001: Message edited by: RT 1 ]