Excerpts from a Dog's Diary :


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Diary :

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some
sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat
something in order to keep up my strength. The only
thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In
an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on
the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped
its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this
would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However,
they merely made condescending comments about what a
"good little hunter" I am. There was some sort of
assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the
event. However, I could hear the noises and smell
the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I
was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate
one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as
he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --
but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that
the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released - and seems to be more than willing to
return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got
to be an informant. I observe him communicate with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports
my every move. My captors have arranged protective
custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...