You are getting uncomfortably close to the truth. But I would modify the list a bit.

1. Life alert satellite phone. Yeah, I’m an old fart but a mighty active one. I need to be able to tell someone "Help I've fallen”, from remote locations.

2. Phone that is voice activated. I can’t see the freaking numbers no matter how big they are and I still enter the wrong number. (Good news is I accidentally entered the wrong number at Safeway to get my Club card discount. The number I entered is one digit from mine and it worked. From now on I will be Mr. Johnson at Safeway. Let the gubmint track his purchases instead of mine.)

3. Depends waders might be more appropriate. What the hey, they call em breathable but a ten hour old fart still linger when you take them off. (BTW on the Red Green show the other night they had a wader inflating contest.) I know of several PP members that might be serious competitors. I know Sol once came in first and third in a circle j contest.