Edit: I brought this joke thread back to the top for new readers to enjoy. While a majority of our topics are fishing related, we do like to have some non-fishing fun posts on occassion too. As noted by Doug below, some of these are very reasonable adult type humor jokes, nothing raunchy (we won't allow that). But if these type jokes are bothersome too you, simply click off this thread and click on topics of interest to you. Thanks - RT
-----------------

Now keep in mind these are all in good fun ok so if any one is easely offended then I suggest you stop redin now

A holy man is in church one day prayin
When he looks up and god appears to him

God says to the man " You have decated your life to me and for that I will grant you one wish"

The man replies "I want a highway from here to Hawaii"

God tells the man to go home and sleep on it and come back the next day.

The man goes home and comes back the folling day and god reappears to him

God asks the man what his wish was and the man replies "God I would like to understand women"

God paused for a second and replied "would you like Two lanes OR Four!"



[ 04-26-2001: Message edited by: RT 1 ]

> > The Blonde Kidnapper

> > There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she
decided
> > to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
> > She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree
and
> > wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain
> > brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed,
> > The
> > Blonde"
> > She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
> > straight home.
> > The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
> > bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
> > Inside the bag was the following note..."Here is your money. I cannot
> > believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

Keep them non x-rated . Thanks. ....

An old cogger outdoor hermit was brought before the Madison County Judge in Montana for a pre-trial hearing to determine if he was fit for trail on charges of killing an Endagered Species List protected whooping crane bird. The hearing went like this:

Judge, "Now Mr. Fudd, I want to ask you some questions. Did you know it was illegal to shoot that whooping crane you got caught with?"

Mr. Fudd, "Well ... I guessum I heard rumors about that. But nobody ever said it right to me face."

Judge, "Are you aware Mr. Fudd that it is your responsibility to know hunting laws before you shoot anything?"

Fudd, "Huh? ... Well, I 'spose. But I can't read."

Judge, "You have to learn the laws one way or another before you can hunt. Tell me, why did you kill that gorgeous rare bird anyway?"

Fudd, "I like the taste of em, judge."

Judge, "Well, Mr. Fudd, I think in this case you may not have the basic understanding of the laws. I will exonerate you from trial if you will promise me to learn the hunting laws. And I don't carer how good whopping crane tastes, no more shooting them. And I am curious though, what do thsoe birds taste like?"

Fudd, "Well judge ... hmmm ... oh, I'd say about half way between bald eagle and trumpeter swan."

RT

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man outside leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks the clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains."So I gave him a laxative and told him to take to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall."Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A: Three - one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.

Q: How do you know if a redneck is married?
A: There's chewing tobacco stains on both sides of the truck.

Q: What do you get when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.


here's another

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a 'redneck' joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went
to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "Well, shoot, I want to
hang out with God!"

So St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

And finally,

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went over to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read
it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The bartender states that no pets aren't allowed in the bar. The guy assures the bartender that the monkey will be no problems.
A little while later the monkey jumps off the guys shoulder, runs across the floor, jumps on the pool table and eats the cue ball.
The bartender is furious, but the guy calms him down, by explaining that he will return the cue ball after he craps it out.
The next day the guy returns, and hands the shiny clean cue ball to the bartender. The bartender eyes the monkey suspiciously but says nothing.
After the guy has had a couple beers, the monkey jumps from his shoulder, runs across the bar, grabs a peanut, shoves it up his butt and eats it.
"Now what is you monkey doing?!", the bartender exclaims.
The guy replies,"Ever since the cue ball, the monkey likes to test things out, before he eats them."

Guy walks into a bar orderes a beer and sits down at the bar. After a bit he inquires about the jar of $10 bills sitting behind the bar? The bartender explains that it is part of a contest they are currently holding.. the winner gets free beer for a year. The guy askes what he has to do to win... Barkeep explains that he must knock out the bouncer with one punch, as the bartender points out the 8'6" 280 pound bouncer. secondly you must pull the infected tooth of our dobberman pincher gaurd dog out back.. and thirdly you must go up stairs and satisify our well seasoned and experienced bar maid.
We after about ten more drinks the guy hands the barkeep a $10 sport and sneaks up to the bouncer and wammo, one sucker puch later the bouncer falls to the floor.

Out the back door the guy trots to the dog pin.. 2 hours later the guy comes crawling back scratched, cut, bloody, and askes, "where's that old lady with the infected tooth?"

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had
boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His
mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the
beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The
wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies
the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the
garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his
arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

A husband and wife were out on a nice drive when they began to start arguing. finally the husband just stoped talkin to his wife.

His wife kept gettin madder and madder then they past by a farm with some sheep and cows out in the pasture

The Wife looks at her husban and says "relatives of yours"

The husband replies in a calm voice "I think they are my inlaws"

A young Hoosier moves to Seattle and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The manager exclaims, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish
hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said out on the Sound,
so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Grady White.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that Excursion."

The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

The kid says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's ****ed, you might as well go fishing."

Q: What did the steelhead say when he whacked his head on the concrete?

A: Dam :p

There once was a famous Portland attorney who leased the duck hunting rights on a field in the Nehalem valley. Now this attorney was an arrogant s.o.b. who never got along with any of the neighboring farmers.
One day the attorney shot a nice mallard drake that fell on the other side of the fence. The attorney hopped up onto the fence to go over to retrieve his duck. The neighboring farmer was passing by on his tractor and came over to ask the attorney what he thought he we doing. The attorney said "I'm going to get my duck".
The farmer replied "No you are not, this is my property and I will not let you on it".

Again the attorney, who is getting angry, told the farmer in no uncertain terms that he was going to get his duck and again the farmer threatened to have him arrested for trespassing if he crossed the fence.

The attorney finally said "Do you know who I am??? I am the most powerful, highest paid attorney in the Portland area. When I send a subpoena to people they are so scared they lose control of all bodily functions. If you don't let me get my duck I am going to tie you up in the worst lawsuit you can imagine. You will lose all your land, your money, your family, everything you have."

The farmer thought about that for awhile and then said "Now I know that there is probably no way that I could fight someone as intelligent as you and Lord knows I don't have the money for a long lawsuit. So what do you say that we solve this problem using the Nehalem Three Kick Rule". "This rules state that I get to kick you three times, then you kick me three times and we go back and forth until someone gives up."

Now the attorney is 35 years old, works out at the Multnomah Athletic Club daily and is looking pretty buff. The farmer looks like a poster boy from AARP.The attorney grins and states "you are on, old timer"

The farmer then walks up to the attorney and lays a hard kick right to the groin. As the attorney snaps over the farmer puts a heavy boot to the side of his thigh. The attorney crumples to the ground and the farmer kicks him so hard in the ribs you can actually hear them cracking.

The attorney lays on the ground for a little while and then gets up, brushes himself off and says "Alright Old Man, now it is my turn"

The farmer looks at the attorney and says
"Nah....You Win...I give up....you can have your duck"


OneLastCast

Why It's great to be a guy:

Your as* is never a factor in a job interview

The garage is all yours

You can be President

Car mechanics tell you the truth

Same work, More pay

Wrinkles add character

You can wear a white shirt to a water park

THE WORLD IS YOUR URINAL

SINCE THESE HAVE TO BE CLEAN, HERES THE JOKE A 6 YEAR OLD TOLD IN THE BOAT SUNDAY. I EVEN GOT A CHUCKLE OUT OF IT.

WHY DID THE COOKIE GO TO THE DOCTOR?
HE WAS FEELING CRUMMY.

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.
> The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work
>
> promptly at 8:00 AM.
> The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
> The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new
> employee.
> He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
> The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show
> him the problem.
> Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
> At the end of the line is the new employee.
> She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of
> marbles.
>
> They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
> marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
> The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
> After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman,
>
> and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
> Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

A 60 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor told
him, "you're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why,
you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the
way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very
active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes
skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the
summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well how old was your grandfather
when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60
years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your
grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and
surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the
patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting
married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather
want to get married?"
His patient looked up surprised at the doctor and said, "Did I say he
WANTED to?"

Pierre and Boudreaux wuz flyin on dat dere Cajun Airlines to Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin aroun wit da cargo equipment and stuff.

Da plane hit sum of dat turbulence thing and started bouncin around and Boudreaux he got knock unconscious. Den da plane start to driftin. Pieree, he dun come up front and seen dat Boudreaux was sprawl all over da steerin wheel. Pieree, he a smart boy, but he ain't no nuthin bout flyin a plane thing. He start to get panicky. He grab dat microphone and say "May Day, May Day, May Day". Dis is Cajun airline 90210. Boudreaux dun knock himself out, and I ain't no nuthin bout flyin dis plane thing.

"Dis is the control tower", someone answer. Don't you go worry bout nuthin. "We gonna splain da whole thing to land dis plane, step by step, Ah Gar own Tee"! Just leave everything ta us. "Fus, how high is you, and whut is you position?"

Pierre, think a minute, and den say "I'm five foot ten, and I'm all da way to the frunt of the plane"

"No, NO" answer da tower. What's you altitude and and where is your location?

Pieree say " Man ah got me a poor attitude, and I 'm from Thibodeaux".

"No, NO, No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground an how you plane is in relation fo da airport".

Pierre start to panic by dis time. He say. "Countin Boudreaux's an mine, we got four feet off da ground an I don believe dis plane related to you airport"!

A long pause came - the silence was deafinin. "We needs to know who you next of kin is, and where to send da flowers!"

Great jokes guys!!! Except for maybe KNOPHISH's - you can be a little "dirtier" than that .

Keep more coming, this is fun.

[ 04-14-2001: Message edited by: RT ]

A 65 year old man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem.
My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over
this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills
to satisfy them all.

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty
dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on one
condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check
you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns WITH HIS ARM IN A SLING
The doctor says, "What happened?" To which the man replied, "Nobody
showed up!"

I'm gonna change this joke to make it a little more regional.

Three blonds were in a sled this weekend on the Wynoochee. They all had lines in the water. Sure enough a game warden making a run up the river spots them and heads full speed towards them. The river is closed so he's in a hurry to do some confiscating and ticket writing.

He docks up to the blonds boat and the blonds barely move a muscle. The warden says "Do you know the rivers closed? I'm going to need to see your licenses." One of the blonds speaks up "Officer, we are looking for jewerly and odds and ends on the bottom of the river. We have magnets attached to the end of all our fishing rods." The officer says "Well, I'm going to need all three of you reel up your lines so I can see these so called magnets." Sure enough, all three blonds reel up their lines and all three have big magnets on their lines. The officer shakes his head then says "Well, you're doing nothing illegal, so have a nice day." He jumps back in his boat and heads up river to see if anyone is poaching. Just as he turns out of sight the three blonds starting laughing their asses off. The blond who originally spoke with him blurts out "That officer is such an idiot, doesn't he know there's STEELhead in this river?!?!?!"

Sorry if I offended any blonds out there.

Corporate Talk

Helping you figure out those slick and glossy phrases from companies
recruiting -- Here are what they actually mean.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself
to your co-workers.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING"
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago.
We're just now running the ad.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS"
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and,
if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT"
We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT"
Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their
weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM"
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS"
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control. .

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD"
You whine, you're fired.

That's a good one MB! I would've laughed harder if they weren't so close to the sad truth for many corporations. Thanks, enjoyed it. - RT

A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl and it attacked her! In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree
to the ground and got many splinters in
her private parts.

In consciderable pain, she hurried to the nearest Doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examination room
and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded "what took you so long?" And he replied,
"well, I had to get permits from
the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service amd the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

Glad you liked that one RT! Lets try this one:

The latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the Y2K office environment:

* Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,

craps over everything and then leaves.

* Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming

upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

* Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the

employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

* CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe

ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within

earshot is a serious CLM.

* Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just

above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere

are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they

were designed to solve.

* Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived

from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip

character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs

for the fourth time this week."

* Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of

planning to leave the company or department soon.

* 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error

message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could

not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

* Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the

same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,

subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot

what city we were in.

* Ohno-second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize

that you've just made a BIG mistake.

* Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of

an electronic device to get it to work again.

* Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed

intimate relationship, as in "This is , my ... um ... friend."

* Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

* Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators

running.

* Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch

potato.

Two guys on their way home from work stop at the bar... They drink a bunch and one guy says I gotta go home, I am getting pretty drunk. The other guy talks him out of it and they start doing straight shots.. after awhile the fist guy is so hammered he up and pukes all over himself.. oh my god.. my wife is going to kill me now, I'm late, I'm drunk, and now I have puke all over me. His freind says.. no worrys buddy, just stick a 20 dollar bill in your shirt pocket, when your wife asks about all that puke, just tell her someone else puked all over you and gave you the 20 to cover the dry cleaning bill. So off he went stumbling home. When the wife see's him she is pissed off big time... your drunk and late and look at you.. you have puke all over yourself. He tells her... wait honey, I did'nt do that some other guy did it and gave me this here 20 dollar bill to cover the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his shirt pocket and says.. this is 40 dollars.. to which he replys,, Oh.. I almost forgot..he **** in my pants too

Two guys on their way home from work stop at the bar... They drink a bunch and one guy says I gotta go home, I am getting pretty drunk. The other guy talks him out of it and they start doing straight shots.. after awhile the fist guy is so hammered he up and pukes all over himself.. oh my god.. my wife is going to kill me now, I'm late, I'm drunk, and now I have puke all over me. His freind says.. no worrys buddy, just stick a 20 dollar bill in your shirt pocket, when your wife asks about all that puke, just tell her someone else puked all over you and gave you the 20 to cover the dry cleaning bill. So off he went stumbling home. When the wife see's him she is pissed off big time... your drunk and late and look at you.. you have puke all over yourself. He tells her... wait honey, I did'nt do that some other guy did it and gave me this here 20 dollar bill to cover the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his shirt pocket and says.. this is 40 dollars.. to which he replys,, Oh.. I almost forgot..he **** in my pants too

Comprehending Engineers - Take One
> Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." ***

> Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
> To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
> A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [Dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

> Comprehending Engineers -Take Four
> There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
> What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Six
> The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
>
> Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven
> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
> Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
> An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer:"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten
> An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week" The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

> > Subject: Pet Fish
> >
> > A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with
two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
> > The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"
> The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
> "Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."
> "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
> The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here,I'll show you. It really works."
> "O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now.
> The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
> After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said,
"Well?"
> "Well, What?" the man responded.
> "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
> "Call who back?" The man asked.
> "The FISH."
> "What fish?" The man asked.

I've been requested to come up with a little joke, so here goes.

Two sales guys are working for a toothbrush company going door-to-door to sell their brushes. They are each making good money selling 25,000-30,000 per month.
A guy within the company really wants to join the ranks of the sales guys but he has a horrible speech impediment (stuttering and whining at the same time when I reference him talking). He asks the pros " Hhhhooww ddooo III ddooo iittt?" (I'll only do that once, you get the idea). They tell him the lines to use and send him off, door-to-door.
At the end of the next month, they're comparing numbers and realize speech guy only sold 10 brushes. Well, he needs a month to get up and running they figure.
Another month goes by, he only sells 6. Wow, he's not going to make it, they now think.
At the end of third month, they're comparing numbers and realize the guy sold 125,000 brushes. Holy cow, they say. How did you do that. The guys tells them he went to the airport and sold them to people getting on planes. Well this they gotta see.
So, they go out to the airport and sneak up and watch the guy. He has a little booth set up and he's giving away free chips and dip. They move in a little closer to see how he closes the deal, this super sales guy!
This is what they over heard;

Hi, would you like a free chip to dip.

Yes, I would. Hey, that dip tastes like $hit!

Why, thats because it IS pigeon $hit, wanna buy a toothbrush?

what did one lesbian say to the other lesbian ??? "you da man"

> Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years,
decided

they needed to visit a whorehouse. When they arrived at the house, the
Madame took one look at them and decided that they haven't had sex in
so
long that in the dark they wouldn't be able to tell the difference
between
real women and blow-up dolls. She wasn't going to waste any of her
girls
on these two old men. She decided to use the blow-up dolls instead.
She
put the dolls in each man's room, turned out the lights, led the men to
their rooms, and left them to their business. After the two men were
finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man
said, "I
think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked, or groaned...
how
was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The
first man asked, "Why's that?"
> "Well," said the second man, "I bit her on the [Bleeeeep!]... she farted
and
flew out the window!"

A truckdriver walks into a cathouse and says "I've got $500 and I want your fattest, ugliest, b!tchiest woman and a bologna sandwich too!!!"

The madam replys "Sir, for $500 you can have our youngest, most attractive woman and a filet mignon."

The truckdriver answers "Lady, I'm not horny I'm homesick!!!"

OK, that does it! Dog, Timber, SAUK - go to the chalk board and write "I am naughty" 100 times. ...

Naaah, jk. Funny stuff! Just keep in mind though that there are adults that frequent this thread and we gotta keep from letting the jokes become ... let's see ... word, need word ... ah, 'too adult'. Ya that's it, not too adult. I've been thru a harrowing joke thread that got carried away - not that those 3 jokes were, but they could lead to that - so please members, don't let following jokes begin to degrade into jokes like I tell off the board. Keep good funny ones coming though; we love it. Thanks guys. - Steve ...

Edit: Pssst ... (whispering) hey guys, e-mail me the really good ones though

[ 04-18-2001: Message edited by: RT ]

Children should not be letting their parents surf the net unsupervised anyway!

No offense intended to you fisherwomen out there:

Seminars For Women (prepared and presented by males)

> >1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
> >
> >2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
> >
> >3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
> >
> >4. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
> >
> >5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
> >
> >6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
> >
> >7. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
> >
> >8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
> >
> >9. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
> >
> >10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
> >
> >11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
> >
> >12. Introduction to Parking.
> >
> >13. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
> >
> >14. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
> >
> >15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
> >
> >16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
> >
> >17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
> >
> >18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
> >
> >19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.
> >
> >20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
> >
> >21. Sex: It's For Married Couples Too.
> >
> >22. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
> >
> >23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
> >
> >24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.
> >
> >25. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both. (In case it was missed the first time)
> >
> >26. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
> >
> >27. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" -Why Men Lie.

MB
So when do the seminars start I know of at least for or five ladies that live on my flour that should attend some thing like that

Subject: Drug names

Tylenol: Acetaminophen. Aleve: Naproxen. Advil: Ibuprofen, and so on.

Today the FDA, after considering generic names for Viagra, announced that they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

Also considered were:

Mycoxafloppin:
Mydixadrupin:
Mydixarizin:
Alimpdixafixit:

the Lady answers the door to find a State Trooper Standing there. He says
"Ma'am, I have some good news for you and some bad news. The Bad news is that your son has been involved in a horrible car crash and he is paralyzed from the neck down. You are going to have to bathe him, feed him, clothe him, etc for the rest of his life"
"My God thats horrible!! Whats the good news?"
"I'm kidding, he's Dead"

Read the following out loud. Please read slowly and LOUDLY!

I M SOFA
KING WE
TODD DID
:p

good one dutz lmao

A young man struck up a communication with a young lass in a singles bar. All
went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost
interest. The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing
happened.

Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had
transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a
lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them.

The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive
that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and Scrabble. She was enthusiastic
and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather
bed.

As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great.
I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing
someone."

Hey yall
I was wounderin about he farm jokes jk.
Dude I cant stop laughin
keep them comming

This Big Bear walks into the bar and sits down next to the ugly broad and orders a beer.
The Bartender says " We don't serve bears in this Bar"
The Bear, enraged, chomps the head off the ugly broad and chows it down.
The bartender says " do you feel better now?"
"No, why?" growls the bear.
"That was the bar ***** you ate"

Bringing this post back toward the top of BB page 1, so new readers can access it easier.

Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a @#$!%?* box all
day long.

9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see
who's behind you.

8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of
gunfire.
7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a
piece of cheese!

6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

4. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.

.. And the Number 1 Drawback to Working in a Cubicle:

1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H." The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" She replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."
So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" The girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."

The next day the doctor has to examine a blond and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the blond replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John
suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in to save him.
He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act...

He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental hospital, as
he considered him to be okay.

The doctor told David, we have good news and bad news for you!

The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have
regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another
patient you must be mentally stable.

The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in
the bathroom, and died.

David replied, Doctor he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry.

A guy driving down a road in Montana notices a guy making out with a sheep in a pasture. He gets all upset and pulls into the nearest house, he goes up to the door, and a kid answers. The guy "screaming" by this time tells the kid what he had seen and asks if he knows who it is? The kid says "thats my daaaaaaaaaaad"


This joke is baaaaaaaaaaad. But funny.


[ 05-04-2001: Message edited by: dogsalmon ]

[ 05-04-2001: Message edited by: RT 1 ]

A young man courts a very beautiful but inhibited quaker girl for a long time. Whenever he tried to become intimate with her she shyed away from anything, telling him only after we are married and that she prefers not to talk about sex. Well this girl was an absolute gorgeous young woman and the man fell for her and asked her to marry him. She accepted. With great built up expectations, the young groom headed off with his new bride on their honeymoon. But woe is me for the consumation to be. The frigid young bride tells her husband that she is just not ready yet, she needs a little more time. And to please not talk about sex. Very frustrated, but an understanding and loving husband, he conceeds to await her readyness. But woe is me for the honeymoon to be. She did not become ready and they had to leave for home. Well, this scenario continued for awhile until one night when the young couple went to bed he said to his wife "Honey, I know you aren't ready to make love yet and don't even want to talk about sex. So, I have come up with a way to communcate about it, until you are ready, without having to talk about it. This is how it's going to work every night - starting right now! If you are finally ready to make love you reach over and pull on my unit. If you are not ready to make love you reach over and pull on it a hundred times."

how many country and western singers does it take to change a lite bulb ?? five, one to change it and the other 4 sing about how much they miss the old lite bulb.

Three guys walk into a BAR
And the fourth one DUCKS

A blonde and a brunette were walking along the beach.
The brunette says "Gosh, look at all the dead seagulls!"

The blonde looks up in the sky and says,"Where?"

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

These are the 'contest judges' written notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey & fell into it:


"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State
Fair in Texas, & was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, & I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event & a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, & besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

- Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy sheeyat, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

- Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am suppose to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

- Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting [Bleeeeep!]-faced.

- Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. beeyotch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

- Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted & 4 people behind me colapsed. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage and maybe an ulcer. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

- Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
& peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions & garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. ... I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

- Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, & I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, & the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like [Bleeeeep!] to match
my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

-Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell & pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: ............ grrgle.

[ 05-04-2001: Message edited by: RT 1 ]

"FISHING POX"
Very Contagious to Adult Fishermen - Symptoms:

Continual complaint as to need for fresh air, sunshine and relaxation. Patient has a blank expression, sometimes deaf and blind to wife and kids. Has no taste for work of any kind. Frequent checking of tackle catalogs and Internet fishin' pages. Hangs out in Sporting Goods Stores longer than usual. Secret night visits to post messages at Angler's OnLine and Bass Fishing Home Page. Mumbles to himself. Lies to everyone.

No known cure! Treatment: Medication is Useless - Disease is not Fatal!

Victim should go FISHING as soon and often as possible

This one is for all the Married wifes

"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend. "Why shouldn't I?" Jane inquired. "Well, maybe he is having an affair?" "No way, he returns every time without any fish..."

some rules for fishin


Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better fishing is around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.

OK RT, I KNOW THAT JOKE WAS LAME BUT IT CAME FROM A 6 YEAR OLD. SO HERE ARE A COUPLE NASTY ONES THAT I'M SURE WILL GET A CHUCKLE.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A WOMAN WITH NO ARMS OR LEGS BUT GIVES A GREAT BJ? PARTIALLY DISABLED

HOW DO YOU TURN A WASHING MACHINE INTO A SNOW PLOW? GIVE THE ***** A SHOVEL.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?".

"About 32" the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, " I'd guess about 29". The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your blouse and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".

The old man slips both hands up her blouse, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That's amazing. How do you know?".

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds.

A good one from Fisheads 5:


<< > > > The Good Samaritan
> > > >
> > > > A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud
> > > > pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
> > drunken
> > > > stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.
> > > >
> > > > "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the
> morning!"
> > > He
> > > > slams the door and returns to bed.
> > > >
> > > > "Who was it?" asks his wife.
> > > >
> > > > "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he
> > > > answers.
> > > >
> > > > "Did you help him?" she asks.
> > > >
> > > > "NO, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and
> > > > it's pouring out!"
> > > >
> > > > "Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife.
> > > > "Can't you remember bout three months ago when we broke down on
> holiday
> > > and
> > > > those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
> > > >
> > > > The man does as he is told and gets dressed and
> > > > goes out into thepounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello,
> are
> > > you
> > > > still there?"
> > > >
> > > > "Yes," comes the answer.
> > > >
> > > > "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
> > > >
> > > > "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
> > > >
> > > > "Where are you?" asks the husband.
> > > >
> > > > "Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies. >>

Old guy goes to the doctor and asks for some 1/2 doses of Viagra. Doc says he'll have to give him a physical because of his age.
After the physical doc says "Mr. Brown, for 85 years old you are in great shape there is no reason why you couldn't use the full doses.
Mr. Brown replys "Hey Doc, I haven't wanted sex for the last 25 years I just want to get it out far enough so I can quit pissin' on my shoes. not fp