This could be something for Dr. Bob (the really big one) Ball, and essentially this is a letter to an employer, citing a medical excuse to take a day off to go fishing.
Gentlemen:
Your employee, “Head hunter”, has been diagnosed with chronic Onchonryncus Mykissitis.
Oncho Mykissitis is a condition, which has been recently diagnosed and catalogued among western North American males of middle age, but it often occurs among females, juveniles, and seniors, as well. It seems to have no racial propensity.
Oncho Mykissitis, once contracted, has no known cure, and clinically speaking, very little is understood about the condition. The symptoms range from constant chronic to acute, and appear to be cyclic dependent upon the season. Statistically, onsets of acute symptoms most commonly occur between the months of December and February, and in the summer between June and August.
The symptoms of the chronic stage are subdued and quite often remain undetected. However, the acute stage symptoms are often manifested by listless behavior, occasional irritability, uncontrollable muscular spasms in the upper body and arms, and in some extremely agitated cases, utterances which sound like words spoken in ancient Native American tribal tongues. This symptom is often misdiagnosed as “tourettes” syndrome, causing the patient other problems which may ultimately impede proper treatment of the underlying condition, O. Mykissitis.
Not much is understood about the significance of these utterances, but some diagnosticians believe, that to the patient’s fevered state of mind, these words are a mantra which provides some mystical soothing effect until more direct treatment may be obtained. The utterances sound like “Bogachiel, Hoh, Cowlitz, or Umpqua” and other less intelligible terms, and other completely unintelligible and meaningless phrases sounding like “thasnotanativedontyoudarerealeasehim”, and “ineedanotherbeer”, and “yeahriphislippzoff”.
In its chronic stage, O. Mykissitis is comparatively benign and rarely fatal, however in its acute stage the symptoms may cause fatalities. The aforementioned irritability may cause civil and domestic disputes, especially when the patient awakes at 4:00AM in an attempt to seek treatment, and / or vehicular accidents while attempting to seek relief of his particular agony in some remote place at 4:30AM.
Treatment is successful on a very limited and temporary basis, because so little is known about O.M. However many research and diagnostic clinics are being operated in many restful and out of the way places such as Forks, WA, Soldotna, AK, and other locations.
Research and treatment are performed there, which often include rigorous physical activity at odd hours of the day, often in inclement weather conditions, clinically administered dosages of alcoholic beverages, otherwise ill-advised dietary consumption, and other pastoral and piscatorial pursuits wherein the patient may indulge and abuse himself until sufficiently recovered from O.M., to rejoin society and the workforce.
These research facilities are operated on a small, intimate scale, with observation and treatment offered on a one-to-one basis, or at most one analyst per two patients, so space is often limited.
Therefore, although we sympathize greatly with your employee’s condition and your subsequent problem, we may be unable to accept new patients on short notice.
We recommend you make the necessary arrangements with your HMO to provide treatment (and coverage) at once, and contact us at once for reservations immediately. Remember, a happy employee is a productive employee, and the sooner his case of Oncho Mykissitis is treated, the sooner he will return to the workforce as a comparatively normal and well adjusted worker.
Very truly yours,
Dr. Robert Ball
MD, Piscatorial Pursuits Guide Service and Clinic
Forks, WA
:p
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