A man was in front of me coming out of church one Christmas day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:

The pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord"

The man replied, "I'm alread in the Army of the Lord, Pastor

Pastor questioned, "How come I dont see you except Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back,'I'm in the secret service"

Just some light hearted humore, theres one of mine now lets here some of yours and RT keep your animal jokes clean :p (jk)

Dances Out

Three guys were fishing out in the open water when one of them
spots a dude walking on top of the water coming toward their boat.
He strolls right up to the rail, one guy says man you must be the lord himself to
walk on water, The dude says yes son I am, The guys says well then can ya help me
with this problem here in my arm, been lame for years real hard to fish with.
So he touches the guys arm and BAM, I'm cured the guy screams its a miracle
The next guys speaks up and says lord been blind outa my right eye here all my life
can you help me? He touches him and BAM, same thing It’s a miracle I'm cured
Then they all turn and see the third guy jumping out of the boat and swimming
away, Hollering back PLEASE PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME, I'm on L & I

"The Gods do not subtract from the alotted span of mens lives the hours spent fishing"

A man looking out the window of his Mailbu Beach home seas a bottle drifting ashore and decides to go pick it up. He notices that the markings are unusal so he rubs it off to get a better look when a Jeanie comes out of the bottle.

The Jeanie says "I am the Jeanie of the bottle and I will grant you one wish for setting me free. What do you wish?"

"Well I am pretty well off as you can see by my house over there so I don't need any more money. What I really want may seem a little odd. I would like to visit Hawaii, but I don't like to fly or travel by ship. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii" the man says

The jeanie reply's "That is impossible. Engineering hasn't advanced to the point where we can do that, I wouldn't know where to start. Are you sure there isn't something else you want?"

The man thinks about it for a minute and says "I would like to understand women."

The jeanie looks at the man and says "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

A guy walking down the beach finds the magic lamp. He's no dummy, he knows what to do. He rubs the lamp and the Jeannie pops out. The guy blurts out:

"This is great! I get three wishes!"

But the Jeannie is in a bad mood, so he stops him in his tracks and says:

"That's right, I have to give you three wishes. but for each of your wishes that I grant you, I'm gonna give your mother-in-law twice as much."

First wish, the guy says:

"I want $100 million." The Jeannie hands him an account book and then tells him that the next account number up is his mother-in-laws for $200 million.

Second wish, the guy says:

"I want a 10,ooo acre ranch in NW Montana with a 20 room ranch house."

The Jeannie hands him the title to the land and tells him that his mother-in-law now owns the only other ranch in the valley; the surrounding 20,ooo acres with a 40 rooom ranch house.

Third wish, the guy hands the Jeannie a baseball bat and says:

"Here Jeannie. Beat me half to death."

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?

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V

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

3 Guys are walking around hunting when they come up to this big clif. At the edge of it they find a lamp, so they rub it and a genie pops out and says, "I will turn you into what ever you want to be if you yell out what you want to be after jumping off of this clif."

The first guy jumps off and yells "EAGLE!" he falls about 1/2 way to the ground then turns into an eagle and flys away.

The second guy jumps off the clif after seeing the other guy do it and yells "BEAR!" he hits the ground and turns into a grizzly and runs off.

By this time the third guy has had some time to think so he backs up gets a good running start at it but trips on a root just before he is about to jump. The guy goes flaling over the clif and yells "OHHHHHHH SH!T!!!!"..... SPLAT!

Tyler

Hey Dances', isn't it about time for you to shear some more sheep over there in Polouse country? jk
---------------

In a big southern city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young blonde woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus's first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her frustration she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. ... About this time a big Texan guy that was behind her in line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she got very upset and turned on the would-be hero, and yelled at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

Theres a 20 year old in New York walking a tightrope strung 500 feet up between 2 tall buildings, at the same time a 20 year old in Paris is getting a blowjob from an 85 year old woman.They are both thinking the same thought, what is it?

Don't look down, down't look down, don't look down................

For our engineer friends here..

A group of blondes in a class at the University of the Pacific were given
the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.
So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and
they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole
thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks
over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from
end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes and walked
away.
After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed.
"Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives
us the length!"

Here is a little math oddity for you to solve.

3 guys go fishing and get a motel room for the night for $30. They each pay $10...10 x 3 =$30.
.
A hour later the desk guy realizes he over charged them $5, so he asks the bell boy to take the $5 up to the guys. When he gets to the room he wonders how he will divide $5 between 3 guys, so he decides to just give them each $1 back and he keeps $2.
.
So...if they each originally paid $10 and each got $1 back...(3 x $9 = $27) and the bell boy kept $2....$27 + $2 = $29, where did the other $1 go?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that
I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they
realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come
fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my
alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a
nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

Craven, you're missing a career in gov't. This is a great trick to hide deficit spending.
Try 3 x 9 = 27-2 = $25.

Governor Craven.....Oh how things would change!!!

Two for the road (river?):

A grasshopper walks into a bar one night. The bartender looks up and, seeing the grasshopper, says "Hey, we've got a drink here named after you".

To which the grasshopper replies "You've got a drink called Irving?"

________________________________________

A man was teaching his beautiful young wife how to play golf one afternoon. At the first tee he cautioned her about the houses that bordered the left side of the fairway. Sure enough, her approach shot veered left and crashed through the window of a very expensive-looking home.

Doing the right thing, the couple knocked on the door of the home to speak with the owner about damages. A voice inside asked them to come in. As they walked in to the large conversation pit they saw the broken glass and a beautiful lamp that had been broken by the golf ball. A man sat at the couch and asked them to sit down with him.

When the couple started to apologize for the mishap the man held up his hand and said "Don't worry, as I'm not mad at all. Actually I was the Genie trapped in the lamp and for rescuing me from my centuries of confinement I will offer you three wishes, but with a catch. I have not been with a woman for thousands of years and it would be an honor if I could be intimate with your beautiful companion, just once."

Unsure of how his spouse would take such an offer, he turned to her and asked her opinion. As the Genie was not unattractive, and as the rewards were great, she agreed to the deal.

The Genie took her upstairs where they spent the better part of the afternoon in carnal bliss. As the two finished their marathon session and started getting dressed the Genie asked the woman "So, how old are you?"

The woman replied "I'm 27. Why do you ask?"

The Genie responded "Aren't you kind of old to believe in Genies in a lamp?"

A guy travelling to a computer convention in Las Vegas is sitting on a plane as other passengers are boarding, when a drop-dead gorgeous lady walks up and sits in the seat next to him. After the flight takes off, he finally gets the nerve to break the ice.

"So, are you going to the big computer show in Vegas?" he asks the beauty next to him.

"No," she says, "I'm actually going to the Nymphomaniacs's annual convention."

"Wow!" says the guy. "I know what we do at a computer convention, but what the h*ll do you do at a nymphomaniac convention?" he asks.

"Well," says the lady, "one thing we do is to discuss some of the false images about different ethnic groups and their sexual prowess. For example, people think that black men have the largest genitals, but in fact it is Native Americans that posess the largest genitals. And most people think that French men are the best lovers when in fact Jewish men make the best lovers."

"Wow. I did not know that." says the guy.

The lady then says to him, "By the way, my name is Linda, its nice to meet you."

The guy pauses a minute and replies, "Uh, my name is uhh,... Tonto,.....Tonto Goldstein."

A guy new to the block was unloading his truck when Bob, one of the other neighbors went over to welcome him to the neighborhood. After exchanging names, Bob asked the new guy what he does for a living.
"I'm a professor at the college. I teach "Deductive Reasoning," he answered.
"Deductive reasoning? What's that?" Bob asked.
The professor said, "It would be easier to demonstrate. Just answer my questions either yes or no."
"Do you have a doghouse?"
Bob replied, "yes."
"Then I can deduce that you have a dog. Is that true Bob?"
"Yes."
"Then I can deduce that you probably have a family. Is this true?"
"Yes."
"So since you have a family, I can deduce you probably have kids. Is that true Bob?"
"Yes."
"And since you have kids, I can deduce that you are heterosexual. Is this true?"
"Of course it is!" Bob replied.
"There you go Bob. Deductive reasoning. I asked you if you had a doghouse and eventually deduced that you are heterosexual. Cool eh?"
Bob said, "WOW. That is real cool!"

After that Bob heads back to the house when another neighbor, Joe stops him and asks about his conversation with the new neighbor.
"He's a professor of Deductive Reasoning at the college," Bob told Joe.
Of course Joe has no idea what Deductive reasoning is, so Bob offers to demonstrate.
"Just answer my questions yes or no," Bob instructed Joe.
"OK, first question. Do you have a doghouse?"
"No."
"Homo."

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case.They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.

"Hey, I'm just fu*#ing with you, she's dead."

***********************************************

Here are some fun things to mess with your head!

here are some more:

What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?

They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.
_______________________________
Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
_________________________________
Did you hear that the other day a big fight broke out in Darrington...........I guess the accusation was that YOMAMAS' BIN LOGGIN was seen and somebody didn't like that.
_____________________________________
20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.
___________________________________




A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma
______________________________________

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
__________________________________
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

My oink for you today

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggie.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggie, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggie says:

"Well, somebody has to go wee-wee-wee all the way home."