The Irish War with Saddam...
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering
whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy, down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo,
Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed
important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is, myself, my cousin Sean, my next door
neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team
from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
one million men in my army waiting to move on my
command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to
acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam
asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's
farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we
last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get
back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as
well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000
bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex
is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army
to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to
ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o'
the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that
we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a
bunch of pints, and decided there's no fookin way we
can feed two million prisoners."
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