A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows, but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank. The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker tells the farmer that he knows a great veterinarian, and he'll send him out the next day to check out the bull.
The next week the banker stops by to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and even serviced all my neighbor's cows."
"Wow," says the banker. "What kind of pills ?" asks the banker. "I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

ok I give up, what is the answer?

half of these guys would say Bush

I've got it.

Slimey trial lawers.

right?

here's my answer:

Piper, You have got to have it right by saying, nothing, good job

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in

Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got

to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down

the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam

responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls

get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."

"That's more like it!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam

$100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive

blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an

85-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

What'd I win J/k

During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented
the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took
him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the
American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs
and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with
my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a
few drinks, play the guitar, and
sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have a M.BA. from Harvard and I can help you.
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra
fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the
extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a
third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of
selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the
processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave
this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York
City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the
American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start
selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the
coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta
with your wife, and spend your
evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"

An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters box, took a few swings and then hit
a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." The next batter
hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN,
RUN." The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The
fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and
the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and
screamed, "R-R-Run ye busturd, run! The people around him began laughing.
Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's
embarrassment, leaned over explained, "He can't run, he's got four balls."
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, laddie, walk with
pride."

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first but then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table. So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Q: What do a Oklahoma tornado, a Florida hurricane and an Arkansas divorce have in common?


A: Somebody's bound to lose a trailer.

Love Dress


A mother paid a visit to her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"
.
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Say this one out loud...
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
WATAAAAAAH!

Q: Why don't witches wear panties?


A: They get a better grip on the broom.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these
here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
>
>fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his
>
>friends.
>
> > >>We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good
>
> > >>opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would
>you
>
> > >>please pack me
>
> > >>enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're
>
> > >>leaving
>
> > >>from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
>Oh!
>
> > >>Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The
>
> > >>wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she
>does
>
> > >>exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home
>a
>
> > >>little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home
>and
>
> > >>asks
>
> > >>if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some
>Bluegill,
>
> > >>and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas
>like I
>
> > >>asked you to do?"
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >> [You'll LOVE the answer]
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >> I did, they're in your tackle box.
>
> >
>
> > >>
>
> > >>I like her thinkin.....

BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2004
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
>
> He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
> "I've lost my grandpa!"
>
> The cop asked, "What's he like?"
>
> The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is
$200,000 a year".

the guy says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Boy that one hits the bullseye!!!

DEAD DUCK !?!
> A woman brought a very limp duck to see the veterinary surgeon. As she lay
> her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
> the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
> said, "I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your pet has passed away."
>
> The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm certain - the duck
> is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean,
you
> haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
> something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
>
> He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever by his
> side. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his
> hindlegs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
> from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his
> head. The vet patted the dog on the head and the two of them left the
room.
> He returned a few moments later accompanies by a beautiful Persian cat.
The
> cat jumped up on the table, sniffed the bird from its' peak to its' tail
> and back again.
> The cat then sat back on its' haunches, shook its' head, mournfully
meowed,
> then jumped down and strolled out of the room.
>
> The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
> most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to
his
> computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to
> the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, reviewed the bill... "$150!
> she cried?$150 just to tell me my duck is dead !?!"
>
> The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry, if you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would
> have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Now that was funny!!

Q: Why do Blondes wear Pony-Tails?

A: To hide the Air Valve!


How do you know when a blonde has been at the computer?

There's white out all over the screen.


Why did the blond have a sore belly button?

Her boyfriend was also blonde.


What's the difference between a blond and a brick?

When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around.


What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.


How do you confuse a blond? Put her in a curricular room and tell her to pee in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? Tells you she did it.


What does a blonde an a computer have in common?

You never appreciate either one until they go down on you.


How do you change a blondes mind?

Blow in her ear.


What do you call a blond with a dollar on her head?

All you can eat under a buck.


What is the similarity between a smart blond, Santa and the tooth fairy?

They are all make believe.


Why did the blond climb on the roof?

She heard that drinks were on the house.


What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?

Play ball.


How do you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?

There is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.


What do you call a blond with a half brain?

Gifted.


How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One... blondes will screw anything.


What is the difference between blondes and government bonds?

Bonds mature blondes don't.


How do you tell if a blonde is sexually satisfied?

Who cares.


Why do blondes rub their eyes when they wake up?

They don't have balls to scratch.


How are blondes and parking spaces alike?

All the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.


What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.


What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.


How is a blonde different than a 747?

Not everyone has been in a 747.


How are a blondes like spaghetti?

They squirm when you eat them.


What do you call ten blondes at the bottom of a pool?

An air bubble.


What do you call 10 blondes in a row?

A wind tunnel.


How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.


Why is a blondes brain pea sized in the morning?

It swelled.


What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?

Artificial intelligence.


What do a blonde and a screen door have in common?

The more you bang them the looser they get.


Did you hear about the blonde who broke her arm?

She was raking leaves when she fell out of the tree.


What do turtles and blondes have in common?

Once there on their back they're screwed.


How is a blonde like a doorknob?

Everybody gets a turn.


What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.


What do blondes do in the morning?

Get up and go home.


What do blondes say in the morning?

Who are you guys anyways.


What do blondes and cow pies have in common?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.


What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

An interpreter


Why did the blonde get fired from the m & m factory?

She threw out all the ones with w's.


What can strike a blonde without them even knowing it?

A thought


Why do blondes wear green lipstick?

Red means stop.


What is the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?

You take your shoe's off before you get on a trampoline.


Why don't blondes like vibrators?

They're hard on their teeth.


A dumb blonde a smart blonde and Santa Claus jump off of a bridge, who makes the bigger splash?

The dumb blonde because the others don't exist.


What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?

One's a busy ditch.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face.


The egg, looking a bit annoyed, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"