September 3, 2004
All right. It is time for New Rules, ladies and gentlemen. All right, New Rule: Hey, enough with the vacations. We see pictures of you on bikes. We see pictures of you on skis. We see pictures of you on a windsurf board. Hey, Michael Dukakis just called. He wants to know if you want to borrow the tank. From now on, your sport is slinging mud.
You'll like this one. New Rule: Cuddling is for girls. The latest rage in New York is "cuddle parties," where grown men and women put on pajamas and just cuddle. Pardon me while I throw up. Participants say it's not about sex, it's about intimacy. No, it's about sex. You're just so neurotic and emasculated that you've decided to skip the screwing entirely and go right to the boring part afterwards. The only time a man should say, "I need a hug," is if he's choking.
New Rule: I don't give a **** how fast your kid read the last Harry Potter. That doesn't make him gifted. This kid is gifted. [photo of teenage father of Mary Kay Latourneau's children] And the only thing he's ever read is a home pregnancy test.
New Rule: If you're watching people play cards on TV, you either need a better hobby or a drinking problem. First, there was "Celebrity Poker." Then there was "Celebrity Blackjack." I saw one show that was just Camryn Mannheim scratching lottery tickets.
What's on TV has to be at least as interesting as what's on the average security monitor at a convenience store.
And finally, New Rule: You can't run on a mistake. Franklin Roosevelt didn't run for re-election claiming Pearl Harbor was his finest hour. Abe Lincoln was a great president, but the high point of his second term wasn't theater security. 9/11 wasn't a triumph of the human spirit. It was a ****-up by a guy on vacation.
Now, don't get me wrong, Mr. President. I'm not blaming you for 9/11. We have blue-ribbon commissions to do that. And I'm not saying there was anything improper about your immediate response to the attacks. Someone had to stay in that classroom and protect those kids from Chechen rebels.
But by the looks of your convention, you'd think that the worst thing that ever happened to us was the best thing that ever happened to you. You just can't keep celebrating the deadliest attack ever as if it's your personal rendezvous with greatness. You don't see old men who were shot down during World War II jumping out of a plane every year. I mean, other than your dad.
But even your dad didn't run for re-election based on a recession and his propensity to barf on the Japanese. Now, I know you'd like us all to get swept away with emotionalism and stop sweating the small stuff like the deficit and the environment, and focus on what's really important: how you look in a fireman's hat. But crying during your speech? I mean, come on! There's no crying in politics! It's not fair! That's a trick chicks use. How are we supposed to discuss this rationally if you're going to cry?! There's a name for people who exploit their participation in historical events for political gain. They're called the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.
So I say, if you absolutely must win an election on the backs of dead people, do it like they do in Chicago, and have them actually vote for you.
All right. Now, listen. Program note. Next week, we're off. I know we were off a couple weeks ago. I don't make the schedule. We're re-running the first show with Michael Moore and Ralph Nader. After that, we're back for eight weeks straight, I promise.
That's our show. Thank you to Howard Dean, Pat Buchanan, Arianna Huffington, Andrew Sullivan, Jason Alexander. Thank you, folks.
http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/
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