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#333032 - 02/12/07 08:15 PM Re: The Joke Thread *** [Re: The Moderator]
Sol Offline
River Nutrients

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 7710
Loc: Poulsbo
couple of favs


Attachments
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#333088 - 02/12/07 11:04 PM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Sol]
Mingo Offline
Three Time Spawner

Registered: 03/27/05
Posts: 1552
Loc: Kona, Hawaii
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"


She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think tho, you thee, my python weally doethn't give a thit."
_________________________
-------------------------------------------------------
Bankers are twats that have been hated throughout history - Dan S.

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#333149 - 02/13/07 08:59 AM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Mingo]
Mingo Offline
Three Time Spawner

Registered: 03/27/05
Posts: 1552
Loc: Kona, Hawaii
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came to the senior center from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Amazing Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every valued, Senior-citizen, AARP -card-carrying member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch that's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.

"Snap!" said Claude. Two hundred pairs of gnarled old fingers snapped in unison.

"Giggle!" said Claude. Two hundred old mouths cackled like schoolkids in unison.

"Touch Your Nose!" said Claude. Two hundred index fingers touched two hundred old noses in unison.

Suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH!T!" yelled the Amazing Claude.

It took three weeks to clean up that senior center.

_________________________
-------------------------------------------------------
Bankers are twats that have been hated throughout history - Dan S.

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#333150 - 02/13/07 09:08 AM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Mingo]
Mingo Offline
Three Time Spawner

Registered: 03/27/05
Posts: 1552
Loc: Kona, Hawaii
_________________________
-------------------------------------------------------
Bankers are twats that have been hated throughout history - Dan S.

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#333151 - 02/13/07 09:13 AM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Mingo]
Mingo Offline
Three Time Spawner

Registered: 03/27/05
Posts: 1552
Loc: Kona, Hawaii
]
_________________________
-------------------------------------------------------
Bankers are twats that have been hated throughout history - Dan S.

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#333179 - 02/13/07 12:16 PM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Mingo]
Snake Pliskin Offline
Bead

Registered: 02/13/03
Posts: 1206
Loc: Duvall
Little Johnny is sitting in his 3rd grade classroom and his hot female teacher is asking math questions. She asks him, "if there are three crows sitting on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" Little Johnny answers, "none, because when you shoot one, the other two fly away."

The teacher replies, "no, the answer is two, but I like the way you think".

Little Johnny then says, "I've got a question for you teacher........there are three women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones, one is biting hers, one is licking hers, and the other one is sucking hers............which one is married?"

The teacher blushes and answers, "the one sucking hers".

Little Johnny says, "no, the correct answer is the one wearing a wedding ring,............ but I like the way you think."
_________________________
Bless our troops.

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#333212 - 02/13/07 01:45 PM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Snake Pliskin]
John Lee Hookum Offline
River Nutrients

Registered: 10/12/01
Posts: 2505
Loc: Area 51
_________________________

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of
Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter
of the gods.

-- Albert Einstein



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#333224 - 02/13/07 02:20 PM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Mingo]
TBird Offline
Fish Fear Me

Registered: 10/12/05
Posts: 3376
Loc: Port Angeles
Originally Posted By: Mingo
]


I think the real joke lies on that gas station sign ;\)

Boy those days were nice \:\)
_________________________



So easy, a cavegirl could do me

Team FTW

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#333294 - 02/13/07 08:37 PM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: ]
nookie dreamin' Offline
Spawner

Registered: 06/04/02
Posts: 946
Loc: Everwet
Dear Abby,
I am a young man who recently became involved with a very beautiful young lady. I want to get intimate with her and start a physical relationship, however, she has told me she has an illness, but I can't remember if she said it was Emphysema or gonnorea... What should I do? Confused..
Dear confused, If she coughs, f**k her!!!!
_________________________
Present
AKA Knuckledragger

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#333301 - 02/13/07 09:43 PM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: nookie dreamin']
nookie dreamin' Offline
Spawner

Registered: 06/04/02
Posts: 946
Loc: Everwet
A cowboy goes into a tattoo parlor, tells the artist he wants a tattoo of John Wayne on one upper thigh, and Hopalong Cassidy on the other thigh. Not only that he wants a money back guarantee that the finished product will look like the real cowboys. Artist says, when I'm finished, you can ask anyone you see who the tattoos are. If they say anyone but John Wayne and Hopalong Cassidy, you can have your money back. The cowboy agrees, and the artist performs his work. The cowboy then proceeds oputside, where he spies a wino laying along the ditch. He walks up to the wino, drops his pants and says "do you know who these guys are?" pointing at his new tattoos. The wino looks up, thinks for a minute and says "Yea, I know who those guys are.. The one on the right is John Wayne, the one on the left is Hopalong Cassidy, and that ugly one in the middle is Willie Nelson!!
_________________________
Present
AKA Knuckledragger

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#333322 - 02/13/07 10:45 PM Re: The Joke Thread *DELETED* [Re: nookie dreamin']
Mingo Offline
Three Time Spawner

Registered: 03/27/05
Posts: 1552
Loc: Kona, Hawaii
Post deleted by Mingo
_________________________
-------------------------------------------------------
Bankers are twats that have been hated throughout history - Dan S.

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#333323 - 02/13/07 10:46 PM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Mingo]
Mingo Offline
Three Time Spawner

Registered: 03/27/05
Posts: 1552
Loc: Kona, Hawaii




Edited by Mingo (02/13/07 10:47 PM)
_________________________
-------------------------------------------------------
Bankers are twats that have been hated throughout history - Dan S.

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#333332 - 02/13/07 11:35 PM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Mingo]
Magicfly Offline
River Nutrients

Registered: 01/13/07
Posts: 3444
Loc: Pasco Bulldog country
My favorite seal joke.

A baby seal walks into a club.

Mf
_________________________
Born again with IRON MAIDEN!

"Go hard, today Can't worry the past, coz that yesterday". GO COUGS!!!



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#333340 - 02/14/07 12:59 AM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Magicfly]
TBird Offline
Fish Fear Me

Registered: 10/12/05
Posts: 3376
Loc: Port Angeles

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in
first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and
wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she
just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few
minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his
wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go
nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes
his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has
finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've
removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What
the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies,
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an
orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What
are you taking for it? "The man looks at her and says,
"Pepper."
_________________________



So easy, a cavegirl could do me

Team FTW

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#333342 - 02/14/07 01:01 AM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: TBird]
TBird Offline
Fish Fear Me

Registered: 10/12/05
Posts: 3376
Loc: Port Angeles
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban
girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith,
would you please name the organ of the human body, which
under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its
normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked
the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,
"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have
three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your
lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will
some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
_________________________



So easy, a cavegirl could do me

Team FTW

Top
#333343 - 02/14/07 01:04 AM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: TBird]
TBird Offline
Fish Fear Me

Registered: 10/12/05
Posts: 3376
Loc: Port Angeles
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in
the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial
embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the
top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the
woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm
awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me
another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a
better idea....let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good", he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
_________________________



So easy, a cavegirl could do me

Team FTW

Top
#333344 - 02/14/07 01:05 AM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: TBird]
TBird Offline
Fish Fear Me

Registered: 10/12/05
Posts: 3376
Loc: Port Angeles
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a
manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it
and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians
have the longest average penis and Polish men have the
biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.
What's yours?" He coolly replies,
"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
_________________________



So easy, a cavegirl could do me

Team FTW

Top
#333346 - 02/14/07 01:09 AM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: TBird]
TBird Offline
Fish Fear Me

Registered: 10/12/05
Posts: 3376
Loc: Port Angeles
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff
proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe
there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him
how wrong he is."
_________________________



So easy, a cavegirl could do me

Team FTW

Top
#333349 - 02/14/07 01:23 AM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: The Moderator]
Knucklebustersonly Offline
River Nutrients

Registered: 03/07/06
Posts: 2561
Loc: WA
Not going to lie. It's tempting...But all of the ones I remembered are innapropriate....

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#333360 - 02/14/07 10:41 AM Re: The Joke Thread [Re: Knucklebustersonly]
Mingo Offline
Three Time Spawner

Registered: 03/27/05
Posts: 1552
Loc: Kona, Hawaii
_________________________
-------------------------------------------------------
Bankers are twats that have been hated throughout history - Dan S.

Top
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