BWP-

Send that one as a "primer" to Superfly!

MAN RULES

1) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2) It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances;
a) When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c) After wrecking the bosses's car
d) One nano-second after the fish of a lifetime breaks off

3) Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.

5) If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits unless you actually marry her.

6) Moaning about the brand of free beer in your buddy's fridge is forbidden. You may, however, bitch about the temperature if it isn't suitable.

7) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops; not the weakest.

8) When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score, but never ask who's playing.

9) It is permissible to to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you are sunning on a tropical beach,if it is delivered by a topless waitress and it's free.

10) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

An elderly couple are sitting in church when she leans over to her husband and says "I just let a very long,silent fart,what should I do ?" His reply,"change the battery in your hearing aids!"

My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' (You've gotta love this..) 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During the tour she passes a room where a patient was masturbating furiously. "oh my" screamed the woman, "why is he doing that?"

The doctor leading the tour calmly explained "I'm sorry you had to see that. That man has a very rare affliction where his testicles rapidly fill with semen and if there is no relief a minimum of five times a day, they could burst."

As they passed the very next room they saw a man in bed and a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again the woman screamed, "Oh my God! How can THAT be justified?"

The doctor calmly explained, "Same illness, better health plan!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach
ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and
I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Drafting Guys over 60
----this is so Funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier----

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry" We are imp atient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the "New army" now, "Get down and give me ... er .. One."

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. Also, we won't get in trouble for mistreating prisoners.
We won't take any.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

IRISH BIRTH CONTROL





Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met
up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light
a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs.
Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me,
have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin g hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Three couples were interested in joining a new church. The minister of the church explained what was required to join the church. It was very simple. Abstain from sex for two months.

The minister welcome two couple into the congregation, when they returned after two months. The third couple was young and only the man arrived at the church. He told the father, he had failed the test. The father consoled him and ask the young man to explain the situation. Well, he said, we just recently got married. My bride likes to wear short skirts and one day, she spilled to coffee beans on the floor. I just couldnt help myself and I took her right on the floor. I just couldnt lie about it.

Well, the father said, Im sorry to hear that. It wont change anything, you wont be able to come back to the church on Sunday. The young man was not suprised. Father, safeway told us the same thing.

A husband and wife are shopping in Wal Mart when the man picks up a
case of Budweiser and puts them into the shopping cart.


'What do you think you're doing? asks his wife.'
'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,' he says,


'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they
carry on shopping ...


A few aisles later the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and sticks
it into the shopping cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,


'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies...'so does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's only half the
price!!!'

This man happened to be looking for a pet to keep his wife company, while he was out of town. He noticed a parrot in the pet store and asked the store keeper about it. The parrot was extremely intelligent and could easily repeat what he heard. The unusual thing about the parrot was that he was missing one foot. For balance the parrot actually wrapped his johnson around the perch bar for balance. The store owner explained, this bird is unusual. The bird had informed the wife, that the husband was having an affair. The man thought interesting, this bird could keep my wife company and keep an eye on her. Well the owner was very happy to sell this parrot, since most people thought it was a bit odd. The man bought a cage and brought the parrot home.

His wife was not really interested in the parrot and but decided to keep the parrot anyway. As usual the man left out of town and returned about a week later. He got home and his wife was not in. He decided to see how the parrot was doing. He said hello and the parrot said hey baby your hot".
That was a strange response, he thought. He said youre pretty hot too."
The bird said wanna get laid? Oh MY GOD! he thinks. Was there a man in this house and the bird replied, yes. Oh my God Did the man get laid?
Bird replied, Im not sure. "What happened" Well they started kissing said the bird, What happend then? "They started taking off her cloths" Then what happened. "Then he took off his cloths" Then what happened. Well I got wood and fell of the dam perch.

There was this guy who lived about an hour outside of a busy city where he worked but he lived on a farm out in the country side. He woke up late one weekday morning and didn't have time to get some eggs, milk and make a breakfast for himself. Pissed off, he had to leave and head for work cause of the long drive ahead of him.

He drives the same interstate every day, but this morning, there was this new fruit stand on the side of the road he had never passed before. Hungry because he didn't have his usual breakfast, he stopped by to pick up something to eat. The fruit stand had everything. Just a ridiculous assortment. Being a Florida boy, he loved peaches. So he bought two of them and started eating them on his way to the car because he was so hungry. He took his first bite and turned around immediately and walked back to the stand. He went up to the guy running the stand and said "Dang! These are the best peaches I've EVER had. Whats the secret?" The fruit stand guy responded: "These are genetically modified peaches. I found the tastiest peach in the world and duplicated it's genes into the peaches I grow so now all my peaches taste the best!"

The guy, just astounded at the technology, goes "So, like, you can make fruit taste like anything?" The fruit stand guy goes "Yea, basically. I can make a fruit taste like anything. I can make apples taste like oranges, I can make chocolate flavored bananas, grapes that taste like lemonade, beer flavored strawberries. Yea. I can make any fruit taste like anything. I can get any flavor you want. Want to try something?"

So the guy goes: "Well, I've always been a fan of Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches since I was a young boy, do you have those?" "Of course" said the fruit guy, and handed the man a peanut butter and jelly peach. The guy sunk his teeth into the peach, chewed and swallowed it and said "That is the best strawberry jelly I have ever tasted! But I don't taste any peanut butter?" The fruit stand guy said "Ohh, turn it around" So the guy turned the peach around, took a bite and said "Ahh, this is the most delicious and creamy peanut butter I've ever tasted!"

The guy finished his PB&J peach, and was still looking to try more of this amazing new fruit. The fruit stand guy said "anything you can imagine, I have. Try me. I guarantee it" So the other guy, being pretty outgoing on this one, says "Well, this is weird, but do you have women flavored fruit? Like the taste when you eat a girl out?"

"Of course" was the answer, and he was handed a peach that looked like just a normal peach, but this one was formulated to taste like a woman. So the guy, hesitantly, takes a bite, and spits it out immediately... "EWW, this taste like feces, I meant for the fruit to taste like p*ssy!" The fruit farmer, goes: "Turn it around to the other side!"

where do bees piss.








A Bp station.

Critics say that Presidential candidate Barack Obama tries to “be all things to all people” and that he makes too many “pie-in-the-sky” promises. At a recent political rally, Obama tried to overcome these criticisms by emphasizing his commitment to principles. Afterwards, audience members lined up at a microphone to ask questions.

The first person at the microphone said, “I oppose the war in Iraq. If you are elected, what will you do about that?”

“I will end the war in Iraq within two weeks of taking office,” answered Obama. “All our troops will come home, and I will simultaneously make sure the Iraqi government is functioning and secure.”

The second person in line said, “I’m an illegal alien. What will you do for people like me?”

“If I am elected, “answered Obama, “every illegal alien will receive US citizenship, free health coverage, and a scholarship to the University of your Choice.”

The third person in line said, “I’m a conservative. If elected, what will you do for me?”

“I’ll send that first guy to Iraq, and the second guy back to Mexico.”

Journalist David O'Brien from Cork, Ireland writes:

'We in Ireland cannot figure why you Americans are even bothering to hold a presidential election this year.
On one side, you have a cackling bitch who is a lawyer, married to a disbarred lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a lawyer bitch who is not proud of her country.
On the other side, you have a war hero who loves his country and is married to a good-looking woman who owns a beer distributorship worth 100 million dollars.


I say, is there really a contest here?

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE


One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the
store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six
old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the
Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying
naked on your Front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, they're having a yard sale.'

Fishing had been really poor for a couple of weeks at the lake, except for one old timer that came in with limits everyday. People got suspicious and called the game warden to say they thought the old timer had to be doing something illegal. The game warden showed up at the boat ramp the next day and waited for the old timer to show up.

When the crusty old fart showed up the warden asked "mind if I ride along in your boat today?" The old man shrugged his shoulders and said "help yourself, but don't get in my way."

They headed across the lake into a quiet, secluded cove. The old timer opened his tackle box, pulled out a stick of TNT, lit it, then dropped it over the side. The concussion rocked the boat, then several fish boiled to the surface. They warden screamed "YOU CAN'T DO THAT - IT'S TOTALLY ILLEGAL AND DANGEROUS!"

The old fart pulled out another stick and lit it, then tossed it in the wardens lap and said, "Are you gonna talk, or are you gonna fish?"

The GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY is now in the planning stages. The Library will include:


The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has yet been able to find.


The Hurricane Katrina Room , which is still under construction.


The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.



The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.



The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.



The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.



The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.



The Tax Cut Room with entry restricted only to the wealthy.



The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.



The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.



The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty, but very warm.



The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.



Additionally, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans - free; Democrats - $1000 or 3 Euros

'I'm Broke'

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away,' said the little old lady. 'I haven't got any money.' 'I'm broke!' She proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Dont be too hasty,' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. & ;nbs p; 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well, I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.'

What part of broke do you not understand?