An old Marine Gunnery Sergeant found himself at a gala event hosted by a local Liberal Arts college. There was no shortage of young,idealistic women in attendance, one of whom approached the Gunny for conversation. "Excuse me sergeant,but you seem to be a very serious man. Is there something bothering you?"
"Just serious by nature, maam."
The young lady looked at his medals and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes maam" he said,"lots of action".
The little said, "You know,you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The old Gunny just stared at her. She said "you know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you were with a woman?"
"That would be 1955 maam".
"Well there you are, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, 1955?" Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where they spent some time together. "Wow" she said. "You sure haven't forgotten anything since 1955".
The old Marine looked at his watch and said "I sure hope not, it's only 2130".

I have a friend with ADD OCD.
He can never decide what he wants to do over and over and over...

There is a fly. He is going across the river and isnt going to make it. He starts going down much to the shagrin of a trout. He knows that flyis going down and when he does is going to jump up and eat him. On the bank, there is a bear and he sees everything happening. Figures when the trout jumps he will reach out and grab it. On a hillside behind the bear is a hunter. Through his high power scope he sees everything going down. Figures when the bear reaches out for the trout he will have a perfect shot. Behind the hunter is a cougar. The cougar is eye balling a mouse that is eye balling a cheese sandwich in the hunters pocket. The cougar is a keen eyed, witty and cunning creature as was all know and so ofcourse he sees everything about to happen. He knows that when the fly falls the trout will jump up, the bear will reach out, the hunter will shoot the bear, the cheese sandwich will fall out of the hunters pocket, the mouse will grab it and drag it, the cougar is going to jump for the mouse and snag it. So it happens, the fly falls, the trout jumps, the bear reaches out, the hunter shoots, the cheese sandwich falls, the mouse grabs it, and the cougar jumps for the mouse, but the witty, cunning little creature missed and rolled all the way down the hill into the river and got all the wet. So what is the moral of the story?

When the fly goes down the pussy gets wet.

Tasteless and way too long I know. But whatever.

My pal Paul and I stopped at a bar after work Friday and got a little carried away with the cognac and Paul vomited on his work shirt.

Of course he started whining about how his girl was going to be very disappointed with his drunkardness when he got home. So I gave him some advice. Advice any sober person could have pulled-off.

I took the ten dollar bill he had laying on the bar and put it in his shirt pocket. I told him "When you get home and she starts nagging, just tell her an old wino puked on you, and gave you ten bucks for the cleaning bill.

Paul guzzled a few cups of coffee and hit the road for home.

Upon arriving, his gal immediately started to point out the obvious.

"Look at you...drunk, you stink and you threw-up on yourself. How disgusting!"

Paul said "No honey, really... a drunk guy bumped into me on the way home and vomited all over my shirt. He even gave me five dollars for the cleaning bill, its in my shirt pocket"

Pauls angry woman took the money from his pocket and said "You said he gave you five dollars but theres a ten dollar bill here"

Paul paused, looked his woman in one eye and said, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too"

Did you hear about the house the lesbians are building in Caledonia?


There is not a stud in the place, It's all tongue n groove.

NOAH IN 2008


In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. &nb sp;I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild a nimals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'

Can also be used as a pickup line...

Do you like to BBQ?

I could put some meat on your grill!

The Love Story Of Ralph And Edna



Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to t he bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."

"The bad ne ws is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. "



How soon can I go home?'

John McCain'(t).............................

------ WORLD WAR III IS COMING ------

President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Cheney and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a [censored] about the 140 million Muslims."

Hey beautiful, I'm hung like a baby.

7lbs. 6oz.

I bought a new truck yesterday and had to return to the dealer today because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, ' Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, ' Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck , but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Ass Holes!' Immediately God Save the Queen began to play, sung by Ronald Reagan and Charleton Heston, backed up by Arnold Schwarzenegger and George W Bush, with Tom DeLay on guitar, John McCain on drums, Laura Ingraham on harmonica, Ann Coulter on tambourine, Antonin Scalia on spoons, Clarence Thomas on sax and Richard Nixon on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this TRUCK!!

A guy moves to Texas and buys a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agrees to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drives up and tells the guy the donkey is dead.

"Well,just give me my money back."

"I cain't do that 'cuz I already spent it."

"Well then just give me the dead donkey."

"Whachya goan do with a dead donkey?"

"I'm going to raffle him off. I won't tell anyone it's dead."

A month goes by and the farmer sees the guy in town.

"How did that dead donkey raffle go?"

"I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anybody complain?"

"Just the guy that won and I gave him his $2.00 back."

The guy works for the government now.

Good book report





Students were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' &
'My Life' by Bill

Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following
book report,

With the proposition that they were nearly identical
stories! His cool

professor gave him an A+ for this report:







Titanic:..... $29.99

Clinton:..... $29.99





Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read





Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their
forbidden love, and

subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their
forbidden love, and

subsequent catastrophe.





Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton:..... Bill is a [censored] artist.





Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.





Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets
ruined.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.





Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton:..... Let's not go there.





Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.>





Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her
life.

Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.





Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of
seamen.

Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there,
either.





Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the
same thing.

What is that useless bit of flesh around a Vagina called?



A Woman!





How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!



What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.



What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Internet

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman



How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.



Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a

waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.



How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.



What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.



If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have

you done wrong?

Made her chain too long



How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.



Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.



What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told



Why do men die before their wives?

They want to...

A bus load of politicians were traveling down a country road so far out in the sticks you had to walk toward town to hunt when all of a sudden the bus went off the road into a ravine.

A wise old hunter came upon the wreck and buried the politicians where they were.

About a week later, the Sheriff came by and asked the hunter what happened to the politicians.

"Well, I buried 'em", said the hunter.

Shocked, the Sheriff asked, "were they all dead?'

The hunter said " well some of 'em said they weren't...but you know how those bastards lie."

A guy falls asleep at the beach and gets severe sunburn on his upper legs.

He goes to the hospital and is admitted for second degree burns.

With his skin already blistering and in severe pain the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,electrolytes,a sedative and one Viagra every four hours.

The astounded nurse asked "what good will the Viagra do?"

The doctor replied, "it won't do anything for his condition, but it will keep the sheets off of his legs."

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote his son a letter and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie.
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses..... The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....'I would have gotten out today.'

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans.
Not really knowing what a McCain fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...
again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a McCain fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a McCain fan?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."
The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat
Little Johnny answere d, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my dad's a
Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "Well, if your mom was a
moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a McCain fan."