This has been around for awhile but some folks may not have seen it. It's very important to know these rules, especially if , like myself, you're entering the first phase of codgerhood.

THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face
in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues.
In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. An empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy league institutions
d. Golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied

14. You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a pension fund

15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues

17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee

18. The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

20. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

21. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

22. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi."

24. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

Got a little time on your hands there, ah Chucky!

It ain't the blues if you're in pursuit of piscadore

I heard a parody of the blues on the radio many, many years ago about a white middle class college kid, so it was all about being funny. Wish I could remember it.
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The Steelhead Blues

Woke up this mawnin', felt like gettin' some 'head. Yeah, woke up this mawnin', felt like gettin' some 'head.

An theys no 'head like steelhead, so I drug my sorry ass -- outa' bed.

Put dey Spey rod in da' Rover, so I be ready fo 'head. Yeah, put dey ole' Spey rod in da' Range Rover, so I be ready fo 'head.

Drove dat Rover to dey river, gonna' find me some 'head.
Drove dat Rover to dey river, gonna' find me some 'head.

Yeah, drove dey damn Rover down to da' river, but muddy water's all she said.
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So let's have some help here and compose a parody blues tune for a white middle class steelheader.

Sg

Nice tune Salmo except see rule 5 - Your vehicle is decidedly a non-Blues ride. Try "Dirty Pickup" or having to walk to the fishin' hole. Not to dog you further but maybe a cane pole might sound better than a Spey.

Bucket - even the hardest workin' man in my biz gits de' blues especially with the real estate market being down and I gots to rest up by surfing the net. Of course, then rule 24 kicks in. You might also check out the last line in rule 15.

4-Eyed Squintin' Chuck E

Sho aint got no lovin, in bout a 100 days,
Alls I gits is a shovin', 'stead of some lays.

Girls gone crazy fo 'notha fella,
now I'm 'fraid I have to tell'ha
Goin to havta to kill'ha

WHOA!!! Goin ta hav'ta kill'ha
(Imagine chorus solo acoustic for about 1 1/2 min.)

Love aint got no place heya,
It'll sholee slaya'.
Love aint got no place heya,
Its just gonna kill'ya
Love aint got no place heya,
That's why Im a steelheadaaaa!

WHOA goin ta hav'ta walk,
cause gas to damn spensive,
Woman took my car when she left me,
so cancelled my Progressive.
Ahhhhhhhhh

Love aint got no place heya,
It'll sholee slaya'
Love aint got no place heya,
Its gonna kill'ya
Love aint got no place hey,
That why Im a steelheadaaaa!

Someone needs to forward this to that spoiled white rich kid known as Johnny Lang.

Chuck, it's parody. That's why the Rover and Spey rod. Extreme examples are supposed to help make the point.

Wayta' go Pug! That's an inspiration. Maybe I'll work on mine some more, but it's a challenge as I'm about as musical as a stump.

Thanks, I actually have you to thank for it. Your lyrics inspired to go forth and do great things, or atleast attempt. It was kinda fun anyhow.