An Indian walks into a cafe carrying a shotgun in one hand and leading a male Buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter "Want Coffee."

"Sure Chief" says the waiter, "comin' right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffe that he drinks down in one gulp. The Indian then blasts the Buffalo with the shotgun and walks out, leaving a hell of a mess.

The next morning the Indian returns, same shotgun different male Buffalo.
Says to the waiter, "want coffee."

"Whoa Tonto" says the waiter. "We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was that all about anyway?"

The Indian proudly says...

"Training for position in U.S. Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Painting the Porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

3 guys, an accountant, an architect, and a salesman would get together at their favorite watering hole every week and proceed to get into one hell of an arguement, complete with screams and shouts. Friday afternoon came and the bar owner decided he had enough of this crap so when the 3 guys came in and started arguing about who had the smartest dog, the bar owner came over and said, " Guys, I've had it up to here with your arguing, you are driving my other customers away. Each of you give me $100 to hold, go get your dogs and we'll decide who the smartest one is. So it was...

The accountant went first. He threw 6 dog biscuits out on the floor and commanded, "Ledger, go do your thing." The dog bounded out and arranged the 6 dog biscuits into two absolutely straight columns of 3 biscuits each. The accountant was very proud.

The architect went next. He threw 6 dog biscuits out on the floor and commanded, "Slide Rule, go!" The dog raced on the floor and arranged the dog biscuits into two equilateral triangles. The architect turned to the salesman and said "beat that".

The salesman threw 6 dog biscuits out on the floor and let his dog named Hunter go out on the floor. Hunter ate the biscuits, f*cked the other two dogs, and took the afternoon off. The salesman was $200 richer......

Any guess what my job is?????

BLONDE MORTICIAN



A man who had just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde Mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk 20 stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grat eful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!)

My neighbor took her dog to the vet because it was getting hard of hearing. The vet cleaned out the dog's ears,said the dog should be fine now and told her to prevent that from recurring she should get some Nair and put it in the dog's ears once a month.

She went to the drugstore,got some Nair and the druggist told her if she was putting it on her legs to not shave for a couple of days. "I'm not putting it on my legs" she said.

He told her that if she was putting it on her armpits to avoid deodorant for a week. "I'm not putting it on my armpits either. If you must know, I'm putting it on my Schnauzer."

He told her to stay off her bicycle for a week.

Subject: Sharing the Labor Pain

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The
doctor set the pain transfer to 10 % for starters, explaining that even
10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor
to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The
doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The
husband continued to feel quit e well. Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had
experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

Redneck Gas Station SALE

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the
owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for
his free sex.The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed
8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry,
no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in
for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.The proprietor again
gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it
was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think
that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged---my wife won
twice last week."

If this doesn't make you laugh just go ahead and close your casket!!!

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.... But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.... Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles las t week?'

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.' 'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?' Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collec ted.' The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?' Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.' 'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted.. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-he re and r-r-r -r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

A Madison Ave. advertising boss wanted to relieve the stress of a busy week. He gathered the staff and announced a little impromptu contest. The theme was Viagra and the rule was they had to use past ad slogans originally written for other products. The employees returned in a few minutes with their entries.

10) Viagra-WhazzzUp?
9) Viagra-The quicker pecker picker upper!
8) Viagra-Like a rock!
7) Viagra-When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight!
6) Viagra-Be all that you can be!
5) Viagra-Reach out and touch someone!
4) Viagra-Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3) Viagra- Home of the Whopper!
2) Viagra-We bring good things to life!
1) Viagra- This is your pee-pee/This is your pee-pee on drugs.

Three Blondes - Texas Highway Patrol

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds."Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some o f the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Ret urns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane pain t bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confisc ated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

> >>GOTTA PEE
> >>
> >>Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
> >>faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
> >>over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
> >>
> >>Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they
> >>stopped in the cemetery.
> >>
> >>One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take
> >>off her panties and use them.
> >>
> >>Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties
> >>and did not want to ruin them.
> >>
> >>She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a
> >>wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
> >>
> >>After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
> >>
> >>The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his
> >>normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
> >>phoned the other husband and said:
> >>"These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
> >>worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
> >>
> >>"That's nothing" said the other husband,
> >>"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
> >>
> >>"From all of us at the Fire Station.
> >>We'll never forget you.''
> >>

From The Onion.....thought it was funny.


EUREKA, CA—A local mountain lion came face-to-face with a group of hikers and made it out alive, sources reported Monday. Wildlife officials are crediting the courageous cougar's quick thinking, catlike reflexes, and 150 pounds of coiled muscle with successfully fending off the human foot travelers.
Enlarge Image Mountain Lion

The quick-thinking cougar managed to escape by going for his attackers' vulnerable torsos.

The mountain lion was reportedly enjoying a quiet afternoon walk around Redwood National Park, on the same path it had taken almost every single day for the past three years, when it heard a rustling sound emanating from the underbrush. Upon investigation, the large feline noticed that a pack of hikers—one adult male, two young children, and an adult female that it instantly recognized as the mother—had crossed into territory that the cat had clearly marked as its own via tree scrapings and urine.

Outnumbered four to one, the cougar, fearing for its life, somehow managed to stay calm. It remained perfectly still in a crouched position and stared directly at the hikers, in the hopes that they would simply pass by. The hikers, however, were undeterred. They began shrieking loudly, clapping their hands, and throwing sticks and rocks at the animal in an apparent attempt to injure it.

"Nothing can prepare a mountain lion for an encounter with four hikers," said park ranger Kenneth Meiggs, noting that it is unusual to find hikers in that particular area of the woods. "In order to defend itself, the cougar had to rely on pure instinct alone."
Enlarge Image Anatomy Of An Assault

Armed with nothing more than four-inch claws, razor-sharp teeth, and a 5.4-meter vertical leap, the mountain lion lunged at the adult male hiker. In a defensive measure, it pinned the hiker to the ground, thus disabling the man's primary means of attack. After a brief struggle, the animal was eventually able to lock onto the hiker's skull with its jaw.

"Repeated biting of the skull and face is the textbook way to fend off a human attack," said Mike Kasperski, biologist and author of the book Hikers: Shadows In The Forest.

The mother, however, became increasingly aggressive due to the presence of her young. She reportedly ran toward the mountain lion with a four-inch-wide log and began striking it upon the head. Not knowing what else to do, the feline tore a foot-wide hole in the hiker's stomach, but the enraged female continued to fight, poking the feline in the eye with her finger. The cougar, in a last-ditch effort for survival, whipped its claws across the woman's throat, killing her instantly.

Remarkably, this brave mountain lion is only 4 and a half years old.

"It's amazing what some mountain lions are capable of when faced with the most dire of circumstances," Meiggs said. "To think that those hikers were a mere 20 yards away, and the lion walked away unscathed…. Wow."

The two younger hikers received small lacerations on their legs and chest, while the adult male is being treated for massive head trauma and internal bleeding. The mother, identified as Cyndi Thalls, 38, of Pacoima, CA, was pronounced dead at the scene.

"I think it's safe to say those hikers will think twice before getting into another tussle with this feisty little fellow," Meiggs added with a chuckle.

Following the incident, the mountain lion retreated into the woods, escaping with nothing more than a few minor scratches and a blood-covered snout. At press time, it is resting comfortably on a large rock.

The Presidential election was tied.Every constitutional measure to determine the winner had ended with the same tie score. After much discussion it was decided that a ice fishing contest would be a fair way to select the next Prez.

Both candidates would fish in a different location on a frozen lake in Minnesota over a 5 day period, with tallies taken after each day.

On the first day McCain came back with 8 fish and Obama had 0.

On the second day McCain had 12 fish and once again Obama had 0.

Obama and Harry Reid had a secret meeting that night and Reid said "I hate that liar McCain. He's a cheater and tomorrow I want you to just follow him and find out how he's doing it".

After the next day's fishing, when McCain came back with 23 fish, Reid asked Obama how he was doing it.

"Harry, you're not going to believe this. He's cutting a hole in the ice."

EXPERIENCE DOES COUNT

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech, or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker into."

A cruise on the Pacific goes horribly wrong, the ship sinks and there are only three survivors, Bob,Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a few years doing what is natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie began feeling horrible about what she was doing, how it was so immoral and killed herself.

It was tragic to say the least, but Tom and Bob managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned and the inevitable happened.

Well, after a couple of years, Bob and Tom started to feel horrible about what they were doing.









So they buried Debbie.

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she
would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took
out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a
burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to
just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said,
'Your heart would be jus t below your left breast'.


Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

@Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me the President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about!

The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep [censored]!

On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama has a campaign event 10,000 to 15,000 people show up as opposed to McCains events where only 1,000 to 1,500 people are there.

The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work".