I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down.
While waiting, I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer.


When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused, this is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that, Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new nurse ........
"Darn it Evelyn!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

Went to the bank the other day and my Proctologist was in line in front of me. He was cashing a check so he reached into his pocket for his pen but pulled out a thermometer instead and exclaimed "GDIT some asshole's got my pen"

When we get older we think differently don't we.
This is a touching story. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness
someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio forwards the following
letter:

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a
luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a
door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all
humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.



Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens
luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that
someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten
lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio
touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if
she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.


Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your genes.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10..00

+Fried Explorer: $15..00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of sh!t, it takes all morning."

Two terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

I posted that one last year. damn funny

RIPPED OFF ON E-BAY

Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.


Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in the sun..

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
Business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a
Week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back
In two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four
weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about his quick, decisive action to set a new tone of
Accountability; the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"


From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because
she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman---
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
'What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'

Happy and Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

pretty good Aunty!

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT, "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

A young Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.

The store attendant says 'What does your mother look like?'

The kid says “How should I know?”

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

She said, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve
that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the
Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a sh!tty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and
see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

A 65 year old man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained

consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge

pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be o.k., you'll walk again and

everything. However, your main "male part" was severed in the accident

and we couldn't find it".


The man groans.


The doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming

and we now have the technology to build a new "male part" for you. They

work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".



The man perks up.


"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher
before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. Her koochie may not be able to handle the extra size, even though YOU would feel like a porn star carrying that big stick.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed BUT you’d pocket the extra $4 grand!!. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".


The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.


The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with

your wife"?


"Yes I have", says the man.


"And has she helped you make a decision"?


"Yes" says the man.


"What is your decision"? asks the doctor.


"We're getting granite counter-tops".

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriff's Dept. was being
interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good,
but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be
accepted." Then, sliding a S & W .45 ACP pistol across the desk, he says to the
man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth
dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a
rabbit."


"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.


"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"