This is a safety message that you can ignore at your own peril!

I’m sending this so you are forewarned allowing you to take the proper preventive measures.


AN IMPORTANT SAFETY MESSAGE FOR OLDER MEN.


Most of my friends are over 40 and should be doing this every time they go to the beach!











The older you get, the more important it is to protect your nose from the sun.....

Hell... a little closer and he could protect his whole head!

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'


She calls on little Ralphy.



He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'




The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'




Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:




One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream..


The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.


Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'






LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH(Part 2)






Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic..


'Why?' asks the father?



'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.


'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''


'What's the f..... difference?' asks the father.


'That's what I said!'





LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH






Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'


Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'







LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR(Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.



First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'




'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.


'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'


She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.


'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''




LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER






Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.


After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'


Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'


The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'


Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business..

god damn Mingo

Ralphy cracks me up.

I was sitting at a light on the highway yesterday. Next to me was a car load of tweakers.

Suddenly, a big semi-trailer drove right over their car, completely crushing it, killing them all.

'WOW!', I thought, 'That could have been me'!


So I went right out and got my trucker's license!!!

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank...the midget."

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

So So True!

Heres one for ya.



OBAMA.

Little Johnny and a New Teacher
A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."v
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Mujibar was trying to get a job at a customer service center in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow Pink and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'


Mujibar starts Monday.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH!T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SH!T they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH!T, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SH!T you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

P.S. Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the 'Light at the End of the Tunnel' has been turned off.

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'

I told him 'I wish I had your will power.’


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!



An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks What is wrong??

The boy says Me ma is dead.

Oh bejaysus the man says. Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?

The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .

He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him "Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that feckin basket."

The Japanese government, in an act of goodwill, has promised to ship 1,000 tons of Viagra in Jan of 2012 to the U.S. to be distributed free of charge.

It's an erection year.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist who painted the picture", he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world are ya
doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow...what a worthy goal." I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

This needs to be moved, it's not a joke !

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time.. One little boy puts up his hand and
Obama asks him his name.

" Walter ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter ?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you
knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't
allowed to?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they
will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right:
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his
name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you
knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't
allowed to?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f**k happened to Walter ?"