The History of Mayonnaise

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call
for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to
New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was
so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they
still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year
on May 5th and is known, of course, as SinkodeMayo.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well".

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about forty minutes.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"









The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Dorothy and Ed met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. During the next couple of weeks Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.


And so.... on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' Ed said to his newfound lady friend. ' I eat, sleep and breathe golf , so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!'

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, you need to know that I'm a hooker.'

'I see,' Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added, 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.

A Chinese dude walks into the optometrists office for an eye exam and his doctor says, "Hey, looks like you have a cataract!", The Chinese man replies suavly, "No I don't, I drive a rinkin-contanenter."

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year Buddy would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,

'Edna, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Edna replied,

"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.''

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Buddy replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, ‘Is this a union house?’

‘No,’ she replied, ‘I’m sorry it isn’t.’

‘Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’

’The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,’ she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, ’Why yes sir, this is a union house. ‘We observe all union rules.’

The man asked, ‘And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’

‘The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.’ ‘That’s more like it!’ the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

‘I’d like her,’ he said.

‘I’m sure you would, sir,’ said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, ‘but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next.’

NOW YOU Know what’s wrong with the AUTO industry.

And why they want a BAILOUT.

Ugliest Suit...

When the store manager returned from lunch, he was surprised to see that his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before having the chance to ask him what had happened, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that horribly, ugly suit we've had for so long."

"Are you referring to that repulsive orange and brown, double-breasted thing?" asked the manager.

"That's the one, sir," replied the clerk.

"That's great!" exclaimed the manager. "I was afraid we'd never get rid of that horrid monstrosity! That had to have been the ugliest suit we've ever had! But, tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh, that," the clerk replied. "Well, after I sold the guy the suit, his darn guide dog bit me!"

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his... She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .















Wait for it.

It's coming. .


























The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

















































She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

The owner of the sex shop was training the new clerk about store policies, procedures and pricing.

"The only unmarked items are the dildos behind the counter. The white ones are $10 and the black ones are $25. Everything else in the store has a price on it. I have to run some errands, so I'll be back in an hour or two."

Things went smoothly for about an hour until a customer asked about the dildos.

"How much are the dildos?"

"$10 for the white ones, $25 for the black ones."

"OOOHHH! How much for the plaid one!?!"

Thinking quickly the clerk replied, "$200.00."

"I'LL TAKE IT!!!"

An hour later the owner returned and asked how things had gone.

"Great. I wound up selling 5 white dildos and ten black dildos. I also got $200 for your thermos."

Heard on Deadliest Catch.....yeah I watch every once in a while:

"Women should remember that when they leave Alaska they are considered ugly again".

Mon and Dad were visiting their son overnight.

The father found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet and asked him if he could try one.

The son said, "I really don't think you should. They're very strong and very expensive."

The father said, "I'd still like to try one. Tell you what I'll do. We're leaving early in the morning. I'll take one of the pills and leave the money under the pillow."

The next morning the son found $110 under the pillow. He called his Dad and said, "Dad, I thought I told you those pills were $10."

Dad said, "I know they're $10, the hundred is from your Mom'"

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Radio




Dear Pine Street Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Rosecrest
Retirement Home. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now
and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I
received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was
napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into
a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this
was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Best joke I have read in a long time.

Could this be the ultimate blonde story?





Three women go down to
Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk,
and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed in the morning, though none of them can remember
what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair
and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I
just graduated from Trinity
Bible
College and believe in the
almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the
innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all
immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her
last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School
of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on
the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again
they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for
forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and
says, "Well, I'm from UCLA and just graduated
with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell
ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody
if you don't plug this thing in.

The best engine in the world is the Vagina.

It takes any size piston.
It's self lubricating.
Starts with one finger.
Every four weeks it does it's own oil change.

It's a pity the management system is so f**king tempermental.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven…which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”

“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”

Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your feet.”

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?”

Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night Mommy and her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh ! God, I’m coming!”

“If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”

The nun fainted.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,


But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying
That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

SO yesterday I was making a bait tray for my ice chest, and was drilling a few drainage holes in the tray. Upon completion, I was showing off my creation to my girlfriend when she exclaimed, "How'd you drill the holes so good?"(perfect *computer aided* grid)

I shot back, "Because I'm good at drillin' holes!"

She must not have gotten it... she didn't laugh.

A marine is finally coming home on leave from Iraq. As he gets seated he cannot help but notice that the two other people sitting sext to him are Arab males. The Marine decides to relax and takes off his shoes.

After the plane takes off the Arab man sitting on the inside of him asks if he could squeeze by to the isle in order to get a coke. The marine responds; "Stay seated buddy I am more than happy to get it for you." As the marine is getting the coke the Arab man spits in his shoe. The marine finally comes back and hands him his coke.

About an hour passes and the other arab man sitting by the window asks if he could squeeze by to go get a coke. The marine replies;"I got it my friends", and promptly jumps up to get the man a coke. While the marine is gone the other Arab man spits in his other shoe. After a short time the marine returns with the coke.

As the plane lands the marine slips on his shoes and immediatly realizes what had happened. The marine leans over and says; "You know this is getting so old, When will this ever end?" One of the arab men ask; "what are you talking about?" with a smirk on his face.

The Marine replies; "you know, all of this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes.