Dig deep and GIVE this holiday season, these poor unemployed athletes NEED YOUR HELP!

http://youtu.be/_4I-8Fsu68g

2 gay guys are walking down the street. They see a dog laying down licking his balls.

1st gay guy says "I wish I could do that."
2nd gay guy says "Ya, but he might bite you."

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.


He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

On that note.. ... ..
A man joins the foreign legion and they station him out on a tiny fortress in the middle of the desert, a long way from the nearest human settlement.

A few months go by and he starts to feel horny. He asks his commander what the men do when they start to get lonely. The commander hesitantly replies,

"Well, I guess you've been here long enough, so I'll tell you." He takes the guy out behind the fort and shows him an old camel, "Her name's Lucy. Just take her out whenever you feel lonely, but don't ride her too hard, she's not as young as she used to be!"

The man is appalled, "No way!! That's disgusting!" The commander shrugs and walks off.

A few more months pass and a few more after that. Finally the guy is so horny he just caves in. "Fine! I give up! I'll do it!!"

He takes old Lucy out behind a sand dune, unfurls his pants and goes at it.

After he's done, he walks Lucy back to the fort. He's ashamed, but nolonger horny. The commander looks over to him, "Back so soon?"

The man replies, "Well, I was gone half an hour... how long does it take YOU?"

The commander scratches his chin, "Oh, I'd say it takes me at least 2 days to get into town."

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is
And how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

A blonde watching the news hears that two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

She sobs and cries, "Oh my goodness, that is so sad! How many is a brazilian?"

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today...Dr Oz on TV said that to reach inner peace we should always finish things we start, and we all could use more calm in our lives during the hectic Holiday season. I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him,"How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that’s an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range.."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled.

"Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

If Santa went to the OP for three days of fishing, where would he go?













Hoh!Hoh!Hoh!

What is Santa's favorite Poker hand?

3 Queens.













HoHoHo!

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall
was packed.

Walking through the mall, the surprised wife looked up and noticed her
husband was nowhere around and she was very upset because they had a lot to
do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, "honey, remember the jewelry store we went
into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we
could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"


His wife said, crying, "yes I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's [Bleeeeep!]?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid...

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'




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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"

Jesus walks into a bed and breakfast and goes up to the front desk and lays three nails on the counter and says do you have anywhere to put me up for the night?

My boss phoned me today and said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said "Of course, what is it?"

"Could you speed it up a little? I'm behind you at the boat launch."

I fired a guy once for a similar stunt..Ohh I'm so sick I can't make it in today so I spent all day finishing up his work and as I'm driving home we meet at an intersection. He's trying to slide down in his seat with a new boat behind his truck..

How do you keep beavers out of your backyard ?

Put up a goalpost.