In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked, why the dog
was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained, "that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'."

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, "Watch
this."

He told Sniffer to search.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to
his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The policeman said, "Good boy," and he turned to the man and said, "That
woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number
and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man.

Once again, the policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The
policeman said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note
of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The policeman then told Sniffer to search again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh!t all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out
how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the
Policeman, "What's going on?"

The policeman nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "Sh!t, I didn't recognize you."

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

You Know You're Getting Old When...















Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.





Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.





Your back goes out more than you do.





The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.





You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.





You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.





Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.





You wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before.





You don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.





It takes twice as long to look half as good.





Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.





People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"





You can live without sex but not without glasses.





The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style.





You look forward to a dull evening.





Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.





The pharmacist has become your new best friend.





There's nothing left to learn the hard way.





You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.





You start video taping daytime game shows.





You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.





Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.





You look for your glasses for half-an-hour, then find they've been on your head all the time.





You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.





Happy hour is a nap.





You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."





You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.





You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.





You sing along with the elevator music.





You are proud of your lawn mower.





You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.





Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.





The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.





Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.





Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.





Your ears are hairier than your head.





You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.





It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.





You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.





The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.





You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.





Your childhood toys are now in a museum.





You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.





You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.





You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.





You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.





You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.





You got cable for the weather channel. Old Folks MTV!





Your new easy chair has more options than your car.





Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.





Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.





You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.





You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.





You get into a heated argument about pension plans.





"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.





Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."





You buy a compass for the dash of your car.





You take a metal detector to the beach.





The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.





You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.





You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.





You don't remember being absentminded.





You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.





Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.





Your drugs of preference are now vitamins.





You tip more and carry less.





You read more and remember less.





You get propositioned by AARP.





Younger women start opening doors for you.





You begin to become invisible in the dating and mating game.





The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don't give you a ticket.





You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters.





You are no longer 'promising'.





Younger men ask you for advice.





You work on your short game.





Youthful injuries return with a vengeance.





Youthful indiscretions harden into bad habits.





You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a new car.





Your medical expenses go up 50%.





A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.





You learn where your prostrate is.





You develop a knack for wearing hats.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Ted, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Ted must have experienced.

"Ted was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Ted's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Ted.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Ted is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Ted Smith. I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Two lawyers were at lunch.

One lawyer says to the other lawyer- "Man, I sure would like to screw that girl over there."

The other lawyer looks over and says, "Out of what?"

Commercials.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dwR-F79MjU&feature=related

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.” The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.”

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So, where does he go when he leaves?”

Bob looked up and said, “Your house!”

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..




A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


Father O'Malley answers the phone.. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'


An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says..
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Ah, the joke thread . . . this reminds me that while we were in Belize, when people learned we had been fishing they couldn't wait to ask us if we had heard about the one-armed fisherman down in Placencia. It seems he caught a fish . . . this long. haha

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

Subject: Car Keys



Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search
in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door,
I came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed
that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I
always call her "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but
then I heard her voice.
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and
get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your car."

Yep it's the golden years.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he
looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now
that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.'

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

A recent study discovered that Burbon & ice cause brain damage. Vodka & ice cause liver damage. Whiskey & ice cause kidney failure.
&*&&* Damn that ice!

Puns

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. However, he says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop
quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro is a rip off !

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

The Colonoscopy

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy
in Rochester, MN. I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting
friends in San Francisco, where the California nurses are allegedly much
more gentle and accommodating...not to mention attractive.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, a very gorgeous nurse came in and
began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection,"
the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.