Well for the most part I am anonymous here on the site, so not too concerned about being discovered and if so...so be it..
I have been married since 1999 and my relationship with wife has been ???
..it seems like she is such a wimp..no camping, no willingness to go fishing, NO outdoor sex, no help outdoors in the yard, me doing the dishes (90% of the time), most of household chores ie: dusting, vacuming, firewood, firebuilding, woodstove cleaning, all homeowner mishaps/failures (fall upon me), she has gained a LOT of weight. Lovemaking to her seems like a chore, it seems she has to be in a good mood, She sleeps ALOT and watches Oprah a lot, tonight I went and got dinner on Mothers Day (takeout) she ate dinner in her bedroom.

OK get the picture....
Positives....she makes 80 grand, I make 50, she does all of the books , bill paying and shopping, she is pretty, is a good mother, extremely faithful, we have 8 yr old daughter whom is absolutely awesome,

I recently coached her basketball team and am currently coaching her softball team, going to the state hershey trackmeet in three events in June.
I love her to death.
I read recently in relationships that one or both need to feel that the other is giving 110%. Personally I dont feel this, and i have never worked so hard in all of my life.
I am 41 currently battling demons with an out of wedlock child I fathered when I was 19. Our relationship is 98% non existant. I paid child support till she was 18 but she dislikes my wife and therefore has little/no relationship with us.
I know this is a strange place to seek advice but I have received sound advice for here before. Just curious as to people's thoughts. I haven't jumped to any decisions but I keep having this dream of a divorce. Thanks in advance for any responses.

first things first, get the 80 grand part out of your head...

do you love her? THAT is the main question... if you do, you should be able to work through it...

not to be a dick, but hows your weight? could both of you maybe go to a gym together once or twice a week and work out together?

exercise can increase sex drive quite a bit... you could even start with walks around your neighborhood... do it WITH her...

i dont have any answers on the kid situation.... be a dad is all i can tell you...

Well first when see is not looking, get in her purse and get your balls back, and then lay down the law.

Move on.......

It's past my bedtime, so all I'm gonna say is .......to quote SZ......

Good Luck.

Seriously.

divorce should be the last answer...

i dont see any mention of communicating about these problems with her.

it might sound shallow, but her income would be a factor on the plus side for me as well. with whats going on in our world right now, financial security is very important.


it is nice out, do daily walks with her for 30 min to an hour every day. try to maintain a pace that will actually get her and/or you tired.

i would definitely talk to her about the problems though, i dont know her personality but sometimes if you phrase questions like, is there something i am doing or have done to cause you to ______ (gain weight for example) it might cause her to feel bad and motivate her to lose weight. but that depends on her personality, could make it worse as well.
what im saying is, pointing the finger at her through context might not resolve problems the most efficient way possible.

Advice is cheap, divorces are expensive.
I would want to know that the woman has no health, mental or
physical issues. That means a complete physical for her and perhaps
a bit of counseling. If her attitudes about sex and sharing your life
are not engendered by any of the above problems maybe you
need to make her an offer she can't refuse. levity
Some folks are just incompatible. Some grow up and progress,
some do not,If that is the case make yourself a new life.
But don't forget your obligations to children.

Beware, amatuer marriage counselers are very dangerous,
because most of them have their own issues.
But hell redhook needs some competition.
Good luck.

Get a sitter for the kid, take the wife out and have a talk. Let her know you aren't happy. Discuss what you think you could do better for the relationship, what you need from it, and what you would like. Ask her to share the same.

Every couple goes through ups and downs. Confront it, don't shy away from it.

If you want to get a divorce, just get one. If you want to make it work, then get your asses in counseling.

Only two options so far as I'm concerned.

Fish on...

Todd

Actually, I liked Dogfishes response the best. So far. So it seems you might be a bit off Aunty. This is just cyberspace anyway.

Sol Duc-
I could look at that girl all day with an amused sort of admiration but as an answer to a sincere question I think the video definitely lacks relevance. However, some dancing airhead might be perfect for you.





Sandu-
I have used this forum several times as a sounding board for equally, if not even more difficult topics and I commend your honesty. This board is a great source of info and advice and has never let me down.


I am not a religious person at all and that is exactly why my marriage fell apart; she found religion. I was raised or saturated in a strict Catholic environment and that is what just drove me away while she just kept getting more and more involved. Our resentments were such that we lived in separate ends of the house and otherwise she would stomp back and forth and slam cupboard doors. We tried counseling, five different ones actually, but it all came down to a mutual unwillingness to compromise and I regret not trying harder even though our principle issues were at a core level. Now, five years later, I am with an amazing gal and I have rebuilt my life but I would be lying if I didn't say my life and my kids lives would be profoundly better if my ex and I could have pulled it together. I hear the same type of opportunity and separation of interests in your story and that is the direction of my reply...


In my opinion, you made a promise to your wife and indirectly your daughter that, as a dad, it is your obligation to just try. Invest in your wife. Invest in your daughter. Find some common ground and maybe that is something as simple as a walk after dinner as was already suggested. Ask her what would make her happy and then do it together. I also wouldn't recommend confronting the weight issue directly- tell her YOU aren't happy and that you think you need to be more active, that YOU want to try a new diet, that YOU want to start a gym membership, it could be anything like country line dancing for Pete's sake... and you want her to come with you for moral support... that you NEED her help. Spend some positive time with her even IF that means watching Oprah. You could even use it as a bargaining tool- "I'll watch one episode of Oprah if you shut it off and come with me tonight."


In my experience there is no such thing as the grass is greener or that starting over is a better plan. Losing things your daughter ("joint custody" is a myth unless you actually live next door) money, retirement, friends, future etc are brutal.


I will also add, as a contradiction, that I stayed five years longer than I should have because I felt I was doing what was right or better for the kids and I was wrong. It was a misconception because our individual houses are happier now and so are they. They love visiting me and instead of spending lots of time together where everyone is tense or at odds, our time is completely positive. I guess when it is time to go, it is time to go.

Outdoor sex is important for a marriage. I built a private balcony directly off our master bedroom, it overlooks the pool. Has a sturdy rail.

Just figure out a time to be honest with your wife, a good rule of thumb (this works for employees, kids you are coaching, friends, whomever) is to give her 3 things you are happy with and 1 thing you would like to work on and how you would like to go about it. Another thing, I noticed is that she does the books and shopping, etc, this can be much more stressful than the physical chores you are doing. Trust me, if my wife gave me the choice of doing the dishes and bathing the kids over running the books, I would take the former every time.

My wife really has no interest in the outdoors either, but I have never gave it a second thought. I don't think it is even something that should matter if you are compatible most other ways. You speak of lethargy on her part, watching Oprah, probably some "real housewives of whatever" too. IMO a lot of lethargy found in Americans come from their diet. Highly processed foods cooked in hydrogenated oils just make you tired, they give you enough energy to get through the day and just crash out at the end of it front of the TV.

I think if you could get her to go for it, start by trying to work on prepping and eating whole clean foods together. Preparing meals together, making the shopping list, etc, could be a good start.

But it might be

Fish on...

Todd

Classic! i will have to run that one by my wife........

That is where my wife and I started from when she withdrew from me while I was building the house. Without knowing what she needs, and her knowing what you need, you have limited chances of success. Talk.

I absolutely agree with Salar and Aunty that your wife sounds depressed. And, realistically, maybe she should be. I actually think that being a middle-aged woman must be incredibly difficult because, in many cases, society values women for their looks and youth. It must suck to go from an item of desire to something else.

I've also noticed that many women lack a true passion for something. Many men do to but having something that you REALLY like to do provides motivation and something to look forward to.

You probably won't "win" on the outdoors thing unless you buy a crazy RV and coddle her. Even then, she probably won't like it. You should have been able to figure that out long ago. If this is a sudden change, then refer back to the depression issue.

The hardest part for you is surely mental if you really do feel like you are putting a ton of work for the family (chores, etc.) and she fails to acknowledge your contributions.

I really do wish you luck. The fact you've already reached this point isn't good but honest communication is really your only chance of having things get better. A chance is better than nothing.

-AP

Best advice so far. lol

Eclairs?

Women gain weight when they are unhappy.

Take her on a vacation...to Saudi Arabia...which should make her appreciate her life here.

I'm not too sure I'm with you on this one, Saundu. Your post seems a bit selfish. Granted, I don't know you, your wife, or any of the backstory, but I'd say that I'm pretty close to being in your shoes in that:

-married since 1999. Both of us work, have 2 kids, and maintaining our relationship has required a lot of work, tears, blood (well maybe not blood), sacrifice, communication, the willingness to adapt as we change, more tears, etc. We're still married and our relationship is strong. Doesn't mean that it's been easy.....and that I don't work my [Bleeeeep!] off, and so on.....




Has been what? How has your relationship been in the last 13 years? Great, bad, average, not what you expected?



Was she a "wimp" and did she camp, fish, etc back in 1999?

Has she changed?

Get over the chore thing. You two both work. Add kids to the mix and both of you should be doing an equal amount of chores.

I do the dishes, vacuum, house mishaps, and much much much more. OTOH, I do not do the laundy, cook all meals, shop for food, clean the bathrooms, etc, etc, etc. Both of us work our asses off, complain bitterly about it, but in the end, the daily/weekly/monthly grind happens...and we make it happen.

Welcome to 2012 and the age of working parents with children.



I'm sure you've aged well too, Prince Charming

Hate to break the news to you, but a relationship (including SEX) does involved work. Lots of it. The kinda work that most guys do not like.

You know, the cuddling, hand-holding, hugging, talking, being "romantic" crap that all us guys have to endure to get some!

Some of us have just learned quicker than others that that's how the "game" called "marriage" works.

It's not just about you....which is what your post reeks of. It's about both of you. You seem to be missing the other half of the relationship here.....




Why is money an issue here? That's never a positive in a relationship...unless your goal was to marry rich....and by those standards, you are coming up short.




Sure, but I think it's most important that both sides of the relationship feel loved, wanted, etc. Seems that is missing....

Dogfish and Aunty have given good advice. Start with talking. Find out *her* side of the story. If you think it's medical, get help. If not, get some counseling.

Last bit of advice....if you do opt for a divorce, hire a really good attorney, listen to exactly what they tell you to do, and be the one that files *first*.
.