If I had coffee in my mouth when I read that, well, I'm glad I didn't have coffee in my mouth.

Couple Sex

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

I have a freind who has gavity, the propensity to attract gay men. He had a physical at 19 for a new job and was telling us about how the doctor started to lisp when he gave him his prostate exam. "Juth relaxth....." I don't think it helped much when we took a vote and no one else under 40 had every had a prostate exam.

Penn State: the only University where you can major in minors!


Jerry Sandusky walks into an elementary school just as classes are let out for the day, when a teacher approaches him & asks, "so which child is yours?"

Sandusky replies: "I don't care, surprise me."


You may hate Jerry Sandusky, but at least he drove slowly through school zones.


On a scale of 1-10, how old is Jerry Sandusky's boyfriend?

Q: What was Jerry Sandusky's defensive philosophy at Penn State?

A: Get penetration and always cover the Tight End.



Q: If an older woman chasing a younger guy is called a cougar, what do you call an older guy chasing a young boy?

A A Nittany Lion…



What do Jerry Sandusky and Carnation Evaporated Milk have in common? A: They're both white and come in little cans...



Did you know that B.Y.U. was Jerry's first choice before Penn State. He thought it was "Bring 'em Young".



I hear Sandusky had to stop going to church. The priests kept fighting over who got to hear his confession.



Sandusky claims he's really young at heart. He says sometimes he feels like a 60 yr old stuck in a 10 yr old's body.


BREAKING NEWS:

Jerry Sandusky has attempted suicide by jumping into the sea...

The Coastguard found him bobbing up and down on a small buoy!


And saving the best for last:
Sandusky is set to remake two Schwarzenegger films into one...

It's going to be called Kindergarten Predator.

Two middle-aged married couples decided to go on a weekend get-away together.

They had all been friends for a long time and on the first night, after plenty of alcohol, they decided to do some wife swapping, provided that there would be no questions asked the following day.
One of the men thought this was a perfect deal since his wife was menstruating that week.

They all agreed and just before retiring to the bedrooms with each others partners, the men made a deal: They would would put notches in the butter at breakfast the next morning, indicating how many times they came.

The next morning the one man, proudly, put two notches in the butter and passed it on to his friend. A respectable performance for a man in his age. He was dying to know how his friend faired with his menstruating wife.

He sat there with a grin on his face, but it faded as his friend passed the butter on, made two notches in the strawberry jam and three in the nutella.

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco . While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay .

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown .

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.

The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have ObamaCare.

The blonde was showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner, right thigh.

Her friend asked her why she would get such a tattoo and especially in that location...

She responded, "It's really cool... If you put your left ear up against it, you can smell the ocean."

A Marine and a sailor were in the bar arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer, the Marine said, "We had Iwo Jima ."

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor said, "We had the Battle of Midway."

"Not entirely true," the Marine said. "Some of those pilots were Marines. Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway."

Taken aback, the sailor said, "Point taken."

Then the Marine added, "We were born at Tun Tavern."

The sailor replied, "We had John Paul Jones."

The argument continued until the sailor came up with what he thought was the topper: "The Navy invented sex."

The Marine didn't blink. "Well, that may be true," he said, "but the Marines introduced it to women."

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drug store.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drug store and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely, but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells
the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest
shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone
else does."

COWBOY TOMBSTONE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah!
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are:


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR AN EXTREMELY HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted!......................

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend after they had just finished having great sex. For the next hour she continuously rubbed his testicles, something she said that she'd always enjoyed doing.

As he lay there enjoying the feeling of her touch, he turned to her and asked, "why do you enjoy doing that so much?".

She replied, "Because I really miss mine".

When you pay too much for your cable bill, you feel ripped off.

When you feel ripped off, you stop watching TV and surf the internet.

When you surf the internet you find porn.

When you find porn, you put together a collection of best azz photos.

When you put together a collection of best azz photos, your wife
catches you and you don't get any for months.

Dont be the guy with the best azz photo collection who is not getting
any....Get Direct TV.

I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could read the newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can use my iPad.'

I tell you what, that damn fly never knew what hit it.

A guy was telling his buddy, you won't believe what happened last night...

My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop.

Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.

Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again.

And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it."

"Holy sh!t", replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said...

"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on President Obama's reelection campaign."

I just took something out of my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 79. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. It's not too far to walk home afterwards and it's on the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!