I love the stuff you guys find. Here's one I found today:

A guy goes into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. While he's enjoying it, his monkey is running wild around the place. It jumps up on a pool table, picks up a cue ball, and puts it in his mouth and swallow it.

The bartender was already a little miffed about a monkey being in his joint. He says, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what'd he do this time?" comes the reply.

"He just picked up one of our cue balls and swallowed the damn thing whole!"

"Oh man, I'm sorry. He's been eating hard things lately, but never something this big. But I'm sure it will pass thru as the other things have, and I'll bring it back the next time I come in."

A couple weeks later the guy comes back in with his monkey and gives the cue ball back to the bartender. After ordering a drink the monkey starts running around the place again. It finds a dish of peanuts and picks one up, puts it up his butt, then takes it out and eats it.

The bartender is discusted and says, "Did you see that! Your monkey just stuck a peanut up his ass and took it back out and ate it!"

"Oh, don't be too suprised at that" says the patron, "ever since passin that damn cue ball he's been measuring everything before he eats it".

RT
Your a goofy somofaB even at 4:00AM

Due to recent events this joke may not be as bad as it sounds.

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" -- all the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" -- all the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." -- half the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" -- all the choirboys stood up !!

LOL UFK!
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A hiker in the woods ran into a huge mean bear. Against better judgement he panicked and turned and ran as fast as he could (which can trigger bear attacks - better to walk slowly backwards toward a tree).

He ran hard until he came to a stop at the edge of a mountain cliff of immence height. He turned to see the bear in pursuit and closing in fast.

With his hopes dim he got down on his knees, opened up his arms skyward, and shouted "Dear God, give this bear some religion!"

With that the skys suddenly darkened and lighting railed in the near distance. The bear pulled up short and looked around in confusion for a moment. Then this mean bear also got on his knees and said "Thank you Lord, for this meal I am about to receive."
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Who says prayers aren't answered?

What's it taste like to perform oral sex on an old lady??

Depends....

LMAO!!!!!

I told you I had it in me...

...lets see how long it takes for someone to ask "How do you know?"

Subject: What is politics?

A small boy asks his dad "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The Nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the Future is in deep $hit."

After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself. A week or so later, her came home to find a message on his answering maching. It was from a young woman at the company where he'd placed his order.

"I dont know if its good news or bad"
She said "but your Headstone is ready."

Dances Out :p

What's the definition of a consultant?

A guy who knows over 100 ways to make love but doesn't know any girls.

This guy wasn't feeling so good so he went to see the doctor. After a lengthy series of tests and a long wait, the doctor finally comes in and tells the guy that he's going to immediately admit him to the hospital.
"So what do I have doc?"
"I'm afraid you have HAGS."
"HAGS? What's that?"
"It's an acronym. It means you have Herpes, Aids, Gonorrea, and Syphillus. All at the same time...HAGS."
"That sounds bad Doc, so what are you gonna do?"
"Well, once we get you into your room, you will be fed nothing but pancakes, pizza and tortillas."
"That sounds like a wierd type of treatment. Will it help?"
"Treatment?! Who said anything about treatment? It's the only food that'll slide under the door!"

What do you call a 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A good START!!!!!!!!!! :p
Dances Out

A few jokes for single and married men.

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* Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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* I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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* Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

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* The most effective way to remember your wife's or girl friend's birthday?
Forget it once.

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* Women will never be equal to men until:
They can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

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Do you know why RT wears Levi 501's?
Because the sound of zippers spook the sheep!

RT's Three BIGGEST Lies!!!!
1st- He tells everyone his boat is paid for.
2nd- He says he won his truck at the rodeo.
3rd- He said he was "Only" helping that poor little sheep out of it's pen!

Don't fall off the chair laughing at these. They're actual comments written by New York City teachers on their pupils report cards as part of their final narratives. All the teachers were reprimanded, but these are still great!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is gone

Hope I don't get in trouble,

A farmer has three sons. Two smart ones and one dumb one. They all come of age about the same time. To see if they are ready to be in the real world the farmer gives each one a duck and says to go out and sell it. The two smart ones decide to head for the city. The dumb one heads off into the woods. In the woods he meets a hooker. The hooker asks if he wants to do it. He says sure but has no money, only this duck. She says ok, I will take the duck. They do it and after she says, Wow that was great. Do you want to do it again? He says yeah, but he has nothing to give her. She says that is ok, they will do it again and she will give him the duck back. So they finish and he walks off. Just as he reached the end of the wood and the main road, the duck flies out of his hands and gets smashed by a truck. The truck stops and the driver gets out. He says I am so sorry about the duck here is five bucks. The boy says it was my only duck. The driver offers ten bucks. The boy says but my Dad gave me the duck. The driver says fifteen bucks take it or leave it. The boy takes it and heads back to the house. At the house the other brothers are back also. Their Dad comes out and says ok, you two, what did you get for the duck? They said we got five bucks each. Dad is impressed and turns to the dumb one. Ok dummy what did you get. He says I got a [Bleeeeep!] for a duck, a duck for a [Bleeeeep!], and fifteen bucks for a f*cked up duck.

Two guys are stranded in the snow on a ski trip. Looking for some help they find their way to an old farmhouse and knock on the door. The door opens and a drop dead gorgeous woman answers.
"What can I do for you boys?" she asked.
"We need to call a tow truck. Can we use your phone?"
She lets them use the phone and they are able to reach a tow truck driver, but he won't be able to make it out until the next day. They explain this to the woman and she offers them lodging for the night.
"You'll have to sleep in the barn. I am a recent widow and it wouldn't look right for me to have two young men spending the night in my house." She added.
So off to the barn they go. The next morning their car is pulled from the snow, and they go on their merry way......

6 months later, our heroes are sitting in their apartment when there's a knock on the door. One of them get up and answer the door and it's the postman with a certified letter for the guy that answered the door. He opens it up and reads it, then looks at his buddy and asks,
"Remember when we got stuck in the snow?"
"Yeah," his buddy answers.
"Remember that barn we slept in?" he said. "You didn't go in and have your way with that woman and then tell her you were me did you?" He added.
His buddy confesses, "Yeah, I'm afraid that's exactly what I did. If you're in a jam because of it, I'll fix whatever needs fixing."
"There's no problem at all," the guy says. "It's just that the lady died and left me everything! THANKS BUDDY!!!"