This place needs a good joke thread.................I'll start things off............................
A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
"He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that"...
"He is going to try and feel your breasts, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that".
"But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that a whole LOT, but don't you let him do that. It will disgrace the family!!!!!!!!."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted. "Grandma, he tried everything just like you said he would. He tried to kiss me, I gave him a little smack. He tried to fondle my breastus's, I gave him a little smack.........and then he DID try to get on top 'o me, and disgrace the family, just like you said!!!!".
.................."so Granny, when he tried, I just wiggled out from under his smelly self, I jumped up quick like, I hiked up my "softer side of Sears" dress, I got on top of HIM, and then I went to town and disgraced HIS goll-durn family six times in a row!!!!!!!"
A Yuppie wanted to act all tough and sh!t, so he bought a copy of Gray's Sporting Journal and decided to go pheasant hunting. He had all the expensive Filson gear, the jacket, the boots and the $6K Italian double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, blasting a nice pattern of #6 shot right through his Filson $500 hunting pants, turning his penis into a perforated slab of Swiss cheese.
Obviously, he freaked and his Microsoft millionaire hunting pal took him to the ER, where Vhawk administered to his needs. Vince made sure he was operated on by the best penis specialist on the West Coast.
When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."
The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?? Surely he must be a famous penis specialist, like you??"
"heh, no, he's not. My brother is a famous concert flutist. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye".
A smarmy Bellevue lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from Clyde Hill and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Bothell. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says: "What for?" Deputy says: "You didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "My good man, If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket, you ruffian!"
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the feces out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
I must give full credit for this gem to the notorious Backyard , he of 20-steelhead days, a tungsten liver and 110 foot casts with his off hand...here's to ya Chris!
Kinda risque-but here goes.... A night nurse at a nursing home loved to get her kicks by standing spread eagle over the old guys in their beds, wearing no panties, hiking up her skirt and proclaiming "Super Pussy!" One night, as she performed this trick for a new arrival, the old guy looks up at her, thinks for a minute, and says "I think I'll have the soup!"....
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals." "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because that mutt is a F'in bald-faced liar. He never did ANY of that sh!t!!!!!!"
A guy is drinking in a bar and gets really drunk. He's so drunk that he throws up on himself. He says to the bartender, "my wife is going to kill me, she just bought me this shirt and I puked on it". The bartender says, "put $10 in the pocket and when you get home, tell your wife that your friend got drunk and puked on you and he gave you $10 to get the shirt cleaned". So, the drunk goes home and his wife greets him at the door and asks him what happened to his new shirt. The drunk husband replies, "my buddy threw up on me and he gave me $10 to get the shirt cleaned, there's $10 in my shirt pocket." She reaches in his pocket and pulls out a $20 bill. She says, "this is $20, not $10". The drunk husband replies, "he sh!t in my pants, too".
Mingo, those anti-terrorism pictures are hilarious! "If you are trapped under debris, conserve oxygen by not farting" I'm cracking up in the computer lab, and people are starting to look at me funny.
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ..
'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.
A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"
"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.
"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."
The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours in every position and orifice imaginable. The genie runs the enthusiastic wife through a veritable treasure trove of porno moves, kama sutra chapters and tantric action that leave her gasping for air.
After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
A guy was in the pro shop before his tee time and spotted a friend across the shop just comng in from a round. He went over, greated his friend and asked him how he did. His friend answered in a very rasping voice " Not so good.". The guy asked his friend if he had a bad cold or something. His friend replies "No, I'm not sick but I did get hit in the throat with a nine iron.". "What happened?", the first guy replies. His friend says "You know out by the 12th hole there's that cow pasture. Well, I teed off and hit it right into the pasture. I went over the fence and into the pasture to find my ball. There was woman out there looking for her ball also. I then noticed one of the cows kinda wiggling her ass kinda funny. I went over and lifted the cow's tail and damned if there wasn't a golfball stuck right in her under her tail. The ball was a Dunlop so I knew it wasn't mine. I called to the woman and said "I think I found your golfball." She came over and I lifted the cows tail and said "Does that look like yours?" And she hit me in throat with a nine iron."
A dude, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law was hit by a tour bus and passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, OR I can put together a very warm memorial service right here, so you can bury her here in the Holy Land for the low-low price of just $150.00!!!!"
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $150.00 and have her be buried forever right here in the Holy Land???
The man said, "Look man, I'm no dummy.....I went to Sunday School and I know for a fact that a man died here nearly 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I will NOT take that chance!!!!!
JIM'S ANNIVERSARY PRESENT Jim was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Jim got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think tho, you thee, my python weally doethn't give a thit."
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came to the senior center from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Amazing Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every valued, Senior-citizen, AARP -card-carrying member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch that's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.
"Snap!" said Claude. Two hundred pairs of gnarled old fingers snapped in unison.
"Giggle!" said Claude. Two hundred old mouths cackled like schoolkids in unison.
"Touch Your Nose!" said Claude. Two hundred index fingers touched two hundred old noses in unison.
Suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SH!T!" yelled the Amazing Claude.
It took three weeks to clean up that senior center.
Little Johnny is sitting in his 3rd grade classroom and his hot female teacher is asking math questions. She asks him, "if there are three crows sitting on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" Little Johnny answers, "none, because when you shoot one, the other two fly away."
The teacher replies, "no, the answer is two, but I like the way you think".
Little Johnny then says, "I've got a question for you teacher........there are three women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones, one is biting hers, one is licking hers, and the other one is sucking hers............which one is married?"
The teacher blushes and answers, "the one sucking hers".
Little Johnny says, "no, the correct answer is the one wearing a wedding ring,............ but I like the way you think."
Dear Abby, I am a young man who recently became involved with a very beautiful young lady. I want to get intimate with her and start a physical relationship, however, she has told me she has an illness, but I can't remember if she said it was Emphysema or gonnorea... What should I do? Confused.. Dear confused, If she coughs, f**k her!!!!
A cowboy goes into a tattoo parlor, tells the artist he wants a tattoo of John Wayne on one upper thigh, and Hopalong Cassidy on the other thigh. Not only that he wants a money back guarantee that the finished product will look like the real cowboys. Artist says, when I'm finished, you can ask anyone you see who the tattoos are. If they say anyone but John Wayne and Hopalong Cassidy, you can have your money back. The cowboy agrees, and the artist performs his work. The cowboy then proceeds oputside, where he spies a wino laying along the ditch. He walks up to the wino, drops his pants and says "do you know who these guys are?" pointing at his new tattoos. The wino looks up, thinks for a minute and says "Yea, I know who those guys are.. The one on the right is John Wayne, the one on the left is Hopalong Cassidy, and that ugly one in the middle is Willie Nelson!!
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it? "The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very red-faced.
Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're married."
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
A guy went to the docter. Doc asks him what's the problem is. Guy says "My pen!s is turning an orangey color." Doc asks him questions, runs some tests and can't find anything wrong with the guy so he asks him more personal questions like where he works, where he lives, if he's married and what he does for entertainment. Guy says "I'm a fishing guide, I live in Poulsbo, I'm not married and for entertainment, I watch porn and eat cheetoes.".
Two steelheaders from Forks are having a drink in a tavern. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating some french fries, begins to cough. It becomes apparent that she is starting to choke and is in distress.
One of the steelheaders looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman is turning blue and shakes her head no. The steelheader lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked, she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again and the steelheader proudly strides back to his table.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I aint never seed nobody do it."
The boss had to lay off somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like sheit."
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
Science has proven that at some point in there life 95% of woman will contain intellegent DNA...............unfortunatly most of them will spit it back out! Tim
Little kid asks mom one day, Mom, where do babies come from? Mom says the stork brings babies.Little kid thinks for a minute, then asks If the stork brings the babies, then who f**Ks the stork?
Also, if the stork brings babies, what kind of bird performs abortions? A swallow!
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her like an alter boy.
an old classic..................
So this lumber mill, in Oregon, is running three shifts a day in season and is having a hell of a time getting enough workers to fill all their positions (this was a long time ago). One day and old guy walks in, tap-tap-tapping along with a red tipped, white cane, and makes his way to the hiring boss. Well, what the hell do you want! barks the boss. I come here to git a job, says the old guy....HAHAHAHAHA! roars the boss man, you gotta' be kidding me you old fart, why your'e as blind as a bat! what the hell do you think you could do here in the mill, anyway? I can grade fresh lumber as it comes off the chain, replys the old guy. The boss man's eyes widen and then he sputters into a fit of belly laughs so hard he falls to the floor and rolls around bustin' a gut for five minutes or more. He finally stands up, wiping tears from his eyes and says, GRADE LUMBER! you idiot! ya' caint even see, how the hell you gonna grade lumber? Well, says the old man, I been doin' it now fer 30 years and ain't never seed' a board in my life, I jest smell 'em as they go by and yell to the sorter what kind of lumber it is so he can send it down the right chute. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! laughs the boss, I don't believe that fer a minute, but I'll tell you what, I'll give you a little test just to see, and if ya' can pass it....well I might hire ya! Calling several of the crew together, he fills them in on the set up and they all agree to have a little fun at the old boy's expense. The boss set's the old man up at a spot on the chain and calls for the first board....the old man bends over and sniffs when he hears the lumber on the rollers....snif, snif...thet's a Spruce he says. Well gol' dang!, yer' right says the boss, send the next one he yells.....the old guy sniffs again and says, thet one's a Cedar....CORRECT! again says the boss. After several more try's with correct answers on each one, the boss decides to pull a dirty trick and get's Sally from the front office to come in, and after filling her in on the scam she agrees to take all her clothes off and lay on a table. (it's a joke son) The boss brings the old timer over and say's....Here's yer final test mister, ya' guess this'n right and yer hired....but I know you won't be able to guess what kind of lumber we got a lay'n on this here table. With that he winks toward the other guys then say's, OK do yer' stuff ol' timer. Snif, snif, snif.......snif, snif snif w-e-l-l, I caint be sure, HA! I knew it said the boss...no wait a minute says the old timer, turn thet board over and let me try again. Sally looks at the boss and he nods his head, so she turns over on her belly and again the old boy sniffs a few times then straightens up and says.....Ha, you boys thought ya' could fool me but thet thar's a sh!t house door off'n a fishin' boat!
>Tacoma Barbie: >This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. >Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops.
>Seattle Barbie: >This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often working late. Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.
>Bellevue Barbie: >This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named Honey. Also ! available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche. > >Everett Barbie: >This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Monroe Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confed! er! ate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus. > >Monroe Barbie: >This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his episodes with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Fred Meyer. > >Sultan Barbie: >Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out PFD form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Red Apple. > >Vashon Island Barbie! :>This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI. > >Olympia Barbie: >This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts, prerferably made of latex or diamond-plate. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment", but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer.
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, and then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his turban-wearing a$$ AWAY!!!."
Seattle Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.
Bainbridge Island Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom, in Seattle. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named "Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter development McMansion. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.
Bremerton Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this teen Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Sailor Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.
Port Townsend Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at Swains.
Port Hadlock Barbie: This recently-paroled Barbie comes with a glass pipe, sunglasses, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth labkit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at local area thrift stores.
Quilcene Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Chimacum Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss and a see-through halter-top. Purchase her Ford pick-up truck with gun rack separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Frank's Surplus.
Brinnon Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six-pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart, in Shelton.
Discovery Bay Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Does not work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer.
Posted by: Anonymous
Re: The Joke Thread - 02/19/0702:08 PM
Should have waited till later this eve to read this thread...too freaking funny for this early in the day!!
First time sex! It's not dirty! A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 15 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. "I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dummy!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money."
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it, too, with the insurance money."
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on N.E. 8th in Bellevue. She was coming from her hair appointment and was late for her jazzercise class and after-class rendesvouz with the instructor.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
This is how it manifests: I decide to water my lawn. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flo wers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the lawn isn't watered, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, I don't remember what I did with the car keys, and my neighbor called to tell me he turned off the hose that was flooding the driveway.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Laugh hard 'cuz if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE-----VERY WELL STATED.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them . . CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives
for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Screw Ma Lil' lived way out west Of all the sports she like Fu$kin best She searched and searched for miles around but could not find two cocks that could fu$k her down
Then one day from over the hill came Piss Pot Pete With fifty pounds of swingin' meat It was as long as my arm and as thick as my wrist and had a nob on the end as big as my fist
The sight they chose for the kill was behind the sh!t house and over the hill Lil used a fence post and a dab of lard Pete killed a mule just a getting it hard
They fu$cked for weeks, months, and hours They tore up trees, roots, and flowers And then when Lil breathed her last dying cough There sat Ol' Pete just a jacking off
In light of he fact that I have to use SOMEONES name in this little ditty, I use the name of everybodys favorite curmudgeon on this site..SOL!!! .... (ahem)...
Big Ol' Sol was a son of a bitch He wrecked his car in a whorehouse ditch He saw one hundred of 'em Lined up against the wall, And bet fifty bucks he could screw 'em all He screwed ninety-six, and could'nt do more, So he backed off, jacked off, Then screwed the other four... Big Ol Sol, he went to hell, Screwed the Devil, and screwed him well, One hundred little devils, Runnin' 'round the halls, Yellin' GET RID OF BIG OL' SOL, BEFOR HE SCREWS US ALL!!!!
No offense intended, Sol, but sometimes ya gotta take one for the team!!
this one from a stud who caught the biggest fish ever landed on a fly (no joke, I've met this guy, it's for real!), a 600 lb mako shark.....here's to ya Alpine!
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court last Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use, and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court next Monday." Monday, the two guys were back in court. The judge asked the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." The judge was quite impressed and said, "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
The first guy said, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o
"And told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," replied the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" the judge asked the second guy.
"Well, your honor I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" The second guy answered, "I used a similar approach." (He draws two circles)
o O
The second guy continued, "Well, I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your ass BEFORE prison...................."
A woman walks out of a Store wearing a brand new fur coat she just purchased. Some PETA people were picketing the store with anti fur signs and whatnot. One guy agressively approached her and said "Lady do you have any idea how many animals had to die for that that fur coat?' She said"Do you have any idea how many animals I had to f*ck for this fur coat??!!!"
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Montana rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
The place still smelled of vomit, even after all the pine-sol & mopping. But that was life on the river. All in all it had been a slow day at the Duc On Inn. True, due to its location cantileverd over the tailout below Barks hole it attracted its share or river rats & lowlifes. Today had been much like the the last week or so, typical for late Novermber. Bob Ball had been by sipping a sparkling mineral water, while his clients slammed shots of wild turkey chased by red bulls, gearing up for the drive back to White Center.
True Pat Graham had been tossed out an hour ago for pukeing all over the pool table, but then he had been thru a tough day. Knocking back 12 draft Molson Ice's in 15 minuites will do that to a guy, he was sleeping it off in the bed of his pickup.
He had lost an oar "stam style" on the upper Calawah, then having his dryrotted POS back-up snap after a few strokes. He & his cracker frontseaters were in for a tough ride, while Pat rowed his DB canoe style, pissed as all get out. Seeing the guys up front were deaf it took an hour or so of pat screaming at them to know something was up, nailing every rock in the river & spinning like a cheap ride at the fair I guess they just thought it was the way Ol' Patrick did it, and it was kind of fun
First off, I'm Polish, so I hope this doesn't ruffle anyone's feathers... A guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a beer... After making some small talk with the bartender he asks the barkeep if he wants to hear a pollock joke. The barkeep says "I'm Polish, and you see that big bouncer over there?, well he's Polish too.. and that other big bouncer over there, well he's Polish too, so are you sure you wanna tell a pollock joke?" The guy thinks for a second and says You know , you're right, I don't, because I would'nt want to have to explain it three times!
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, Girl Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intellig ent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Girl Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua .
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .....
Blonde gets pulled over for speeding... Officer asks for her license .. Blonde says "whats that?".. Officer, taken aback but remains cool calmly says "Thats the little thing with your picture on it that tells me you're qualified to drive a car". Oh, OK replies the blonde and pulls her license out , handing it to the officer. Officer then asks for her registration, to which the blonde replies "what's that?".. The officer , stifling a grin coolly replies "It's the piece of paper that tells me you own the vehicle, ma'm" Blonde retreives the document from the glovebox and hands it to the officer, who at this time thinks to himself, this has got to be one of the dumbest blondes I've ever seen and decides to take a chance. He proceeds to drop his fly and lets it hang out through the drivers window in her face.. The blonde rolls her eyes, lets out a heavy sigh and says "Oh no, not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"
1 whorehouse, 3 men....1 guy going in, 1 already there, and 1 leaving....what nationality are they?.. Guy going in, well he's a Russian... Guy already inside, ..Himalayan.. Guy leaving... He's Finnish!
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out she barely said good morning let alone "happy birthday"
I thought... Well, That's marriage for ya... But the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word so when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent
As I walked into my office, My secretary Jane said, "Good morning boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock when jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch... Just you and me?" I said, "Thanks Jane, That's the greatest Thing I've heard all day! Let's go..."
We went to lunch but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, It's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment I'll be right back."
Ok, I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday"
Have you heard about the 5 kinds of Sex ? The 1st is the when you first meet kind. some call it jungle sex, where your'e so hot for each other you do it the car, the bathroon, the kitchen table, etc. The 2nd is the after you're married sex, you know with the scented candles, the sexy negeliges and the silk sheets. The 3rd is the after the baby is born kind, SHHHH!!! you'll wake up the baby!! The 4th kind is where you pass each other in the hallway and yell F---k YOU!! at each other. And the 5th kind is where she drags you into a courtroom and F---ks you in front of a room full of strangers.
Guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks half and pours the other half on his hand. He does this six times more throughout the evening. Finally, the curious bartender asks him "Why do you keep pouring your beer on your hand?" The guy replies "Oh, I'm trying to get my date drunk"
I saw my dad pull this one off so many times when I fished with him as a kid. I always knew he would use it sometime during the day, especially if we were fishing with newbies. As we would approach a good hole, the old man would say "God, we killed them in here last year". Most the time the person would ask what we were using to catch the fish. The old man would reply "Pussyfors". Almost every time, the person would reply, "What's a Pussyfor?" My dad would then reply, "you dumbass, you don't know what a pussy's for?"
While I was in boot camp, we were lined up for inspection, with the drill sergeant walking up and down the ranks, performing his inspection when one recruit let go a tremendously loud fart. Everybody was struggling to maintain their state of attention and be serious, when another guy in the back says "Lt. Who?".... Everybody, including the drill sergeant lost it.. Funny! But then the sarge got control and dropped us all for 50 pushups. Easiest 50 pushups I ever did!
Poor guy A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary :
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
An elderly couple went on vacation to the Holylands. While on vacation the wife died. The husband went to the local mortuary to arrange a funeral. The men at the funeral home told him it would cost $50,000 dollars to box her up and ship her home. They told him It would only cost $100 to bury her in the holylands.
The men from the funeral home asked what the man wanted to do with his wife of 50 years. He told them to box her up and prepare her for shipment home. The men from the funeral home were shocked. They ask the elderly man why he would pay so much to send her home.
The old man replied.............. " A long time ago a wise man died and was burried here. Later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
President Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.
Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military.
Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.
Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.
He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice. "It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool...They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "Now, what's wrong .. this ain't workin'?"
Good gosh, Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into achair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this white guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!" "What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
There was this fella who painted all the outside walls of his house, but he didn't really have enough paint, so he kept watering it down with paint thinner in order to cover all the surfaces. And then, alas, before the paint had dried, there was a terrible storm and lots and lots of rain, so the paint all washed off. And then a deep, loud, shattering, thundering voice came out of the clouds, saying: "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"
Three blondes (Natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder .
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a family member is doing better."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Are you a family member?"
"Yes, Yes I am.."
"Hold on.. let me look at her records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!"
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?"
"Neither!
I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!.. and NOBODY ever tells me sh!t!"
A man walks into his living room and is shocked to find his 20-year-old daughter using a vibrator on herself. She tells her dad, "I'm sorry dad, but I'm ugly, fat, and can't find a man, so this machine is going to be my partner for the rest of my life."
The next day the daughter walks into the living room to find her father holding her vibrator in one hand and a beer in the other hand. She asks him "what's going on?" He answers, "I just thought I'd have a beer with my son-in-law."
Farmer John had an old rooster that was under performing in the henhouse. He decided to buy a new younger rooster in hopes of increasing his flock. When the new rooster arrived, the old one walked up to him and stated, I know you are younger and in better shape than I am, but I am a proud rooster. Could we make it look like I fought to keep my job? The young rooster quickly agreed, knowing that he could defeat the old rooster in any contest. The old rooster said they should race for 10 laps around the henhouse. When the race started the old rooster surprisingly got out to an early lead. After four laps he was still ahead, but the young rooster was finally gaining on him. Then a shot rang out and the young rooster collapsed in a pile of feathers. You could hear the farmer tell his wife. Gol dang it Emmy thats the last rooster we buy from Ferguson, four of them this month and all of them have all been gay.
John came down with a very painful inflamation of his penis after a long weekend in the Hong Kong. He immediately went to a urinologist who told him he had caught a very rare asian venerial disease. "I am sorry," he said, " but there is no known cure. The only thing we can do is cut it off." John, scared to death asked if there was anything at all he could do. "well," he said, "there is a really good Asian Naturopathic Doctor down the street that might be able to help. Since he is from the area and deals with unconventional methods, maybe he can come something else." John immediately makes an appointment and visits the Asian Doctor, Dr. Huen. The Dr. Heun looks him over and says, "you have caught a very bad case of Hong Kong V. D. Have you visited your normal doctor yet? I bet they told you they would have to cut it off, didn't they?" " Yes, he did!" John replied. " oh those stupid american doctors." Dr. Huen laughed. "All they want to do is chop, chop, chop... Look, "he says, " all you have to do is wait three weeks. It will drop off all by itself."
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds e ach, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."
Girl's Biker Bar A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....
This one is a variation on my joke previously posted about pollocks.. Read the whole thread before you post... It's OK, good jokes have a life of their own....
Three male Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow and one black, were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black lab said.... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his >toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, >"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to >heaven?" > > Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom >and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the >comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." > > Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started >adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she >started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. > > The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and >there stood Grandma's minister. > > The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" > > The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her >boyfriend."
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches > > straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, > > I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather > > have a job." > > > > The social worker behind the counter says, "Your > > timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a > > very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and > > bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. > > You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll > > supply all of your clothes. > > Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. > > You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas > > holiday trips. > > You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. > > You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the > > garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year." > > The guy, wide-eyed, says , "You're Bullshittin' me!" > > The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started > > it."
A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. The owner, walks up to him and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.
The blind man eats and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose,sniffs, and says,
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't at all bad for a 60-year-old. We drank and talked a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter together.
I said no.
We drank a bit more; then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went with her back to her place.
She turned the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom! You still awake?"
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
One day a horned-up gal tells a young lad that she wants him to put his penis into her vagina. The lad says, "No way! My mom told me you gals have teeth down there." The gal says, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," and then peels up her dress and spreads her lips so he can see for himself. The lad replies, "No wonder you don't have any teeth, look at the shape your gums are in."
This super hot chick is sitting in a bar with three guys that stutter, and it's pissing her off listening to them talk. So she says, "I'll get down on my knees and blow the first one of you morons that can tell me where you're from without stuttering." So the first guy says, "Ca..Ca...Ca...California." She says "Fuc% you, loser." Then the next guy says, "Ne...Ne...Neewwwww York." She says, "Loser." The third guy concentrates really hard, takes a deep breath and says, "Miami." She says, "Good job," and gets down and sucks his dick. At the moment he cums in her mouth he says, "B...B...B...Bea...Beach."
A guy goes to his doctor. "Doc, my eyes are bulging out of the sockets. What can you do to cure me?" After looking at the guy's charts and examining him the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but the only medical cure is to cut off your testicles." "Are you sure?" "Yes. But you can get a second opinion if you like." After seeing four more doctors who all gave him the same answer, the guy decides to have the surgery. A month after the surgery, the guy is depressed and decides to buy a new suit. The tailor starts to measure and calls out measurements to his apprentice. "Chest: 38! Inseam: 34! Waist: 36!..." "Wait a minute!" the guys says. "I wear 30-inch waist pants!" The tailor looks up at him and says, "Are you crazy? That would make your eyes bulge out."
Evolution of Math in the United States Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 2000
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2007 Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?
A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Puget Sound. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, 'Listen, you've got a lot to live for... I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, 'And I'll make you happy, and you can make ME happy.' The girl nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. 'What the hell are you doing here?' the Captain demanded angrily. 'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, 'she explained. 'I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly), he's 'taking advantage of me', so to speak. 'He sure as hell is, lady,' the Captain said. 'This is the Bremerton Ferry!'
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular... He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK squirrel OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak. Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
thats not a joke...its an anecdote. no punchline....whatsoever...jsut a really cute story
You always have to make sure when you enter the bar your wingmen have the signals down...embarrasment can only ensue through a wrongly interpreuted signal " YOU said to keep drinkin you were fine!" " NO ! i gave the sign for the D.U.F. rescue( dumb ugly friend) and you directly disobeyed me!"
Strokin it, its in the bag, if this chick and i arent doin the no pants dance in a few hours i"ll be a monkeys gay uncle, and i will blame your drunk a$$
I totally just farted and kept a straight face, get over here and watch this sh!t
two girls sighted, the fat one is naturally yours
come over and get this one, shes had so much to drink she would go home...with you.
BACK THE F*** up, i spotted her, made the jokes, scored the number, you are officially mooching off the me and its pissing me off..go back to the fatty..be happy i gave you that..we will laugh about it later
whos got the balls ! i got the balls!
Whoopdideedooo, just heard her life story and i dont think she's will puttin out tonight, get me a freakin beer .
sorry i am broke, your going to have to pay....
i am about to get up and grind on her...er...dance with her. then make out with her. keep a close eye out for her "friend" the hippo
Nailed her boys! stuffed her like a thanksgiving turkey gobble gobble gobble ..get me a beer.and a handiwipe
its waaaaaaay bigger than this
think outside the box....she was yours...now she is mine...
Look at the funbags on that hose hound.....
I will squeeze them before i am done with this beer.
assuming "THE CAPTAIN STANCE" i am obliterated, since words are not able to come out of my mouth intelligably, i will have to resort to funny poses, and faces.
ey yo boughto MR. Roboto.....
what do you mean you dont need another beer...of course you do
shhhhh she almost heard you say my real name that time....baaaaadddd
STINKY COOTER ALERT! Shes bakin a loaf of bread and it aint sourdough ABORT!
wait your turn i am almost finished....i bought her beer all night anyway
the horse is in the barn and neighing
YOU! come here...make out with me...i am the kissing bandit
what!?!? no they're....ok...my beer goggles are on...i am tellin you ...she is HOT bro!!
One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water to his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?"
Mike said, "Yes, I did!" Terry's wife said, "Well, you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay. She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work."
Mike said, "I'll see you then." The next day Mike went over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she said "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
Little Johnnie was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the currents one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, and then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just like the doctor would. Sis’s boyfriend must not be as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
I guess he was getting sick also. Pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, Sis got worse and began to moan, sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This is when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants some how. It jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it, she got really scared. Her eyes got big, her mouth fell open and she started calling out to god and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen. I should have told her about the one down at the lake.
Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back.
Sis then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on its head. He helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there limp and some of its insides hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again and by golly, the eel wasn’t dead. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats… they have nine lives or something.
This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car is parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen." I asked, "When is a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up). He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He screamed, "Stop calling me." I said, "Make me." He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole." He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass." I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work
A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmmm..." mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, "Hmmm, I see the problem," said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, s nip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip,snip,snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table and pull his pants up.
Then to walk around and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The midget said, "That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?"
The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,
"F--- you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a Master Card "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant! wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000 Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!
A woman goes to her OB-GYN and asks, "Doc, can I get pregnant from anal sex?" Doc replies, "Of course, where do you think lawyers come from?"
Next Why do you never eat out a woman first thing in the morning? Ever try to open a grilled cheese sandwich?
Blonde jokes How do you tell a blonde woman has a blonde boyfriend? Her belly button is always sore. How can you tell when a blonde has been using a vibrator? Her front teeth are chipped.
One more oldie What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? Either an odd looking veggie, or a piece of a$$ that will make your eyes water.
For the ladies Why do you never hear single girls fart? They don't get their a$$holes until they are married.
While visiting Scotland George decided to visit a rustic looking Pub. He ordered up some ale and sat down at the bar next to a man who appeared to be very disappointed with life. The man looked up at George and just started talking. My name is Lonnie McDonald, Ya see this bar is is the finest bar in all of Scotland? I built this bar with my own two hands. I cut down the walnut tree selected just the right grain. Then I shaped it, sanded it and finished it. Do they call me McDonald the bar builder? No!!
Ya see that stone wall in the courtyard? It is the strongest most perfect stone wall in all of Scotland. I built that wall with my own two hands. I cut the stones to shape brought them here and mixed the perfect morter. Then I built it to perfection. Do they call me McDonald the wall builder? No!!
Ya see that magnificient sailboat out in the harbor? I abuilt that boat with my own two hands. I selected and cut just the right trees. I carved them to size and mixed a perfect sealent of pine tar. It is the most seaworthy boat in all of Scotland. Do they call me McDonald the boat builder? No!!
But ya get too drunk one night and f**k one goat and what are ye forever known as??
A little boy goes shopping with his mother, and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
While Waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's Skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that Women have teeth down there?"The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky Stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little Boy Grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing To her crotch.
"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!" "Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself.." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek." No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have Teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I don't have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised.
In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is a crock of [censored], and it stinks." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.." And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects." And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. And that, my friends, is how [censored] happens.
This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a > bad day at work think of this guy. > > Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in > Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. > > Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio > station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was > sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. > > Hi Sue, > > Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. > > Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling > down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you > to make you realize it's not so bad after all . > > Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you > with a few technicalities of my job. > > As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.. I wear a suit > to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is > quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel > powered > industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the > water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. > > It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is > taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and > I've used it several times with no complaints. > > What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the > hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my > whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. > > Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to > itch. So, of course, I scratched it.. This only made things worse. > > Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out > from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had > happened. > > The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into > my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the > jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was > not as fortunate. > > When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually > grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. > > I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. > His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with > five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. > > Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three > agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes > before I could > reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I > arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. > > As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter > running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub > it on my butt as soon as > I got in the chamber. > > The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for two days > because my butt was swollen shut. > > So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much > worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. > > Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. > > In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. > > Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." > > The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. > > She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.
A new worker for social services notices that a woman that was recieving a welfare check for 6 kids was due for a visit. Upon reaching her single wide mobile home, he asked her if to verify how many children she had. She informed them that she had 6 boys. "could I see them?" the social worker asked. "Sure, They are just playing down the street" , she replied. She then opened the door and yelled "Tommy!!" at the top of her lungs. In less than a minute 6 boys from 5 to 11 years old ran in the door. "Wow" the social worker exclaimed, "how did they all know to come when you yelled Tommy?" "Oh", said the mother "I named them all the same so it would be easier on me." "well, yeahc" says the social worker, "but what about when you only need one of them. What do you do then?" "Thats easy." said the Mother, "I just use their last name."
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?' This man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
----------------
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a super hottie deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a boat, liquor store, and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t.
Sad sad tale about a man named Decker cursed from birth with a corkscrew pecker spent his whole life on a futile chase searching for a girl with a corkscrew case.
He finally found her but now he's dead cause the goddamned thing had a lefthand thread.
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother. ____________________________________________
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from. ____________________________________________
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
____________________________________________
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
____________________________________________
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. ____________________________________________
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ____________________________________________
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. ____________________________________________
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic. ____________________________________________
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. ____________________________________________
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? The one who can eat that last donut.
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout..... "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"
SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known yosince you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see George W. Bush and Dick Cheney before I die" whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to the White House and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Bush and Cheney would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Bush commented to Cheney "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Cheney couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Cheney's hand in his right hand and Bush's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the priest's face.
Finally Vice President Cheney spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Cheney "Amen" said Bush
The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,"Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends"
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart- attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread- eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
A Woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?' His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat' I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone!' 'Well, that is wonderful.' His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?' The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bath room and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'Boy that was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two! It was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife qu ietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, 'She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!' His funeral service was last Saturday.
What does Michael jackson and Cavier have in common? They both come on a little white cracker
A man wakes up after a hard nights drinking and sees he has 3 rings on his dick. One pink ring, and 2 brown ones. He rushes to the doctors office and asks the doc what they are. The doc says the first one is lip stick, relieved the man lets out a sigh. The doc says the second one is poop, the man says well that might not be bad. Then the doc says the third on is copenhagen...
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" ; The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Two families moved from Afghanistan to Seattle.........................
When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet…in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win.
A year later they met at Starbucks...
The first man said, "My son is playing baseball for Newport High School, is shortstop, with berry berry quick arm and also, heavy power batting! Also, I had "Mickey D's" breakfast, compete with Apple Pie like all true Americans. Now, I will finish thees "Starbuck" over priced yuppie beverage before I head out to pick up case of Bud Light. I am so f'ing AMERICAN Lee Greenwood writes patriotic songs to my SCROTUM! So......... how about you?"
New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #5: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule #10: I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule #11: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months (e.g. 27 Months.) "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before my kitty could say "F**k!, the Rottweiler ate him!"
THE BODY BUILDER TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT AND THE BLONDE SAYS, WHAT A GREAT CHEST YOU HAVE. HE TELLS HER, THAT'S 100 LBS. OF DYNAMITE, BABY. HE TAKES OFF HIS PANTS AND THE BLONDE SAYS, WHAT MASSIVE CALVES YOU HAVE. THE BODY BUILDER TELLS HER, THAT'S 100 LBS.OF DYNAMITE, BABY. HE THEN REMOVES HIS UNDERWEAR AND THE BLONDE GOES RUNNING OUT OF THE APARTMENT SCREAMING IN FEAR. THE BODY BUILDER PUTS HIS CLOTHES BACK ON AND CHASES AFTER HER.
HE CATCHES UP TO HER AND ASKS WHY SHE RAN OUT OF THE APARTMENT LIKE THAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, I WAS AFRAID TO BE AROUND ALL THAT DYNAMITE WHEN I SAW HOW SHORT THE FUSE WAS!
A heads up for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen August 4th , 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also September 1st, 8th, twice on the 11th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend, providing I can get some more wallets by then.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”
I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference
- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow .
So a guy gets hit by a pickup in an intersection and a midget hops out of the pickup and says "I'm not happy"., and the other guy answers "Then which one are you"?
So a guy gets hit by a pickup in an intersection and a midget hops out of the pickup and says "I'm not happy"., and the other guy answers "Then which one are you"?
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" ; The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Oh god that is awesome seastrike...Best joke I've heard in a while...
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
A couple was invited to a Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He protested, but she said there was no need of his good time being spoiled.
After taking an aspirin and sleeping for an hour, the wife awakened without pain and decided to go the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have fun seeing how he acted when she wasn't around. She soon spotted her husband dancing and flirting with all the women.
The wife started flirting back and eventually he whispered a proposition in her ear. They went outside to one of the cars and had a good time. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, hid her costume and got into bed. When he got home she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "You know I never have much fun when you're not there."
She asked: "Did you dance much?"
He said: "I never even danced once. Pete and me and some other guys went in the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor - Wisconsin Style"....
The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Hayward, Rice Lake, Balsam Lake, Chetek, over to Eau Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to Milwaukee.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with Minnesota license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:
Brett Favre is Gay. Hillary in 2008. Deer hunting is murder. Go Vikings!
The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive wins.
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor - Wisconsin Style"....
The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Hayward, Rice Lake, Balsam Lake, Chetek, over to Eau Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to Milwaukee.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with Minnesota license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:
Brett Favre is Gay. Hillary in 2008. Deer hunting is murder. Go Vikings!
The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive wins.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story : If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: [censored] might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy (2) Not everyone who gets you out of [censored] is your friend (3) And when you're in deep [censored], it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked
for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.
A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: “Two Prostitutes - $50.00.” A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: “Jesus Saves.” “How come you don’t stop them?!” asked one of the girls. “Well, that’s a little different,” the officer replied… “their sign pertains to religion.”
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:
An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies
"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies
"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!
"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.
A young man on acid walked into a dentist's office and said, " Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." "Yes, I know," the man said. The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?" The man replied, "The light was on."
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then, the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
Then, he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... "I'll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal! That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me." The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met , but, somehow, now it's my fault."
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.'
Did you fart, cause you blew me away. Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure is special. My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in. Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them. If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"
The man responded. "Well, I can think of one thing, once, on a trip to the Black Hills of in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed and asked, "When did this happen?"
A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
Posted by: Anonymous
Re: The Joke Thread - 12/15/0703:07 AM
Vaseline
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale ' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a HUGE stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and they have sex right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, And her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs he mom, they too have sex on the dinner table, and has his her every which way.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
"All right, that's enough, I'll do the &%#@!! dishes!"
A teacher is teaching sex education to a 4th grade class.She pulls down a roll up poster of women and points to the breast and asked the class who can tell me what these are? Little Tommy raises his hand and says I know I know .Ok Tommy what are they? They are breast and my mom has two of them . Very good Tommy. Then the teacher pulls down a picture of man amd points to the penis and asked who can tell me what that is ? Again little Tommy raises his hand ,the teacher says ok Tommy what is it .It's a penis and my daddy has two them.The teacher laughs and says he doesn't have two of them . Tommy says he sure does he has one about this long he pees with and one this long he brushes my moms teeth with .
> > > Some humor for you today: > > > > > Subject: To be a Republican you need to believe: > > > > > > 1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary > >Clinton > > > > > > 2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's > > > Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, > > > and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion. > > > > > > 3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but > > > trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international > > > harmony. > > > > > > 4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our > > > highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. > > > > > > 5. A woman can 't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but > > > multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all > > > mankind without regulation. > > > > > > 6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in > > > speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. > > > > > > 7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. > > > > > > 8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, > > > then demand their cooperation and money. > > > > > > 9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing > > > health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance > > > companies have the best interests of the public at heart. > > > > > > 10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science , but > > > creationism should be taught in schools. > > > > > > 11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable > > > offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which > > > thousands die is solid defense policy. > > > > > > 12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the > > > Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the > > > Internet. > > > > > > 13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but > > > George Bush's driving record is none of our business. > > > > > > 14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're > > > a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our > > > prayers for your recovery. > > > > > > 15. Supporting "Executi ve Privilege" for every Republican ever born, > > > who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.) > > > > > > 16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national > > > interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant. > > > > > > 17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for > > > wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb. packag e of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I loo ked at the s ix items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
There was a time when people were much less mobile and tended to live and work in smaller communities. Even cites were smaller, and people had to learn to live together under all circumstances. So if you were going to insult someone, a simple "You're a jerk!" would not do. It would linger. A proper insult had class, like these examples:
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emot ions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill, to which Churchill replied:
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you her e."
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, The wife figures out a solution.
She writes: 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.
If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and Fifty times.
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said: "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog sh!t in place of the gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a fukking train going around the shitty tree. And when I go outside I want to see a nice ass bike leaning up against the goddamn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny rolled over into a pile of dog [censored]. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog sh!t by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the motherfucker!"
A man has killed many big game animals in his life and now he wants to shoot a grizzly. He goes to Alaska, finds a good stand and waits until a bear comes out in the clearing below him. Boom! He shoots and sees the grizzly drop. He runs down to the clearing, but there's no bear. He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around only to have the bear knock his rifle out of his hand. The bear hovers over him and he knows he's dead, but then the grizzly speaks and says "I could maul you for hours or days before you die, or, you can give me a blow job and I'll let you live." The hunter thinks for a moment and decides he'll be able to get even if he survives, so he does the deed.
One week later, he goes out to the same stand with a new scope sighted in on his gun and waits. The same bear walks out in the clearing. Boom! The bear drops in it's tracks. He runs down to the clearing, but no bear. He feels a tap on his shoulder. "You know the routine," says the bear.
One week later, new gun, new scope, 100 rounds of practice at the shooting range, the hunter goes back. Out comes the bear - he aims, takes a deep breath, aims again, then pulls the trigger. The grizzly is a big heap in the middle of the clearing, but he waits. After several hours, he goes down to the clearing, but no bear. He feels the tap on his shoulder.
The grizzly looks at him and says, "You're not in this for the hunting, are you?"
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, 'That's a karate chop from Korea. Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That's a judo chop from Japan', he says. The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold. The Newfie says to the bartender, 'When he wakes up, eh!, tell him that was a f---in' hockey stick from Canadian Tire'
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."
President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"
Bush says, " I'm planning WW III." The guy says, "Really?What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to the bartender and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a [censored] about the 140 million Muslims".
DEEPLY PROFOUND THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer , then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?
2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Curley the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day you work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready; for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, '6.'
The judge said, 'Then I will give you 6 days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?'
Best explanation to share with your congressman, who clearly does not understand this complex principle.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.
'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings). The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
'I only got a dollar out of the $20 declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, 'but he got $10!'
'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!'
'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics University of Georgia
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Chuck. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there. Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught—worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob—stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they're getting closer....."
There are two statues, one nude male and one nude female, facing each other across a path in Central Park. They've been facing each other for about a hundred years when one day the statue fairy descends from the heavens and grants them life for one hour. He looks at her and says "are you thinking what I'm thinking?" She gets very excited and says "You bet, I can't wait!" So they hop down off their pedestals and the next thing you know there are twigs, leaves, dirt, and feathers flying everywhere. The statue fairy returns after a while to tell them they have five minutes in human form. Out of breath, he says to her "do you want to do it again?" She says "yeah, but this time, you hold the pigeons down and I'll sh1t on them!"
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it ?" Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral.
Three men show up at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter greets them and informs them that there is an entrance exam composed of one question: Do you know what Easter is? The first guy says "Sure, that's when the bunny rabbit comes with candy and gifts and the children search for hidden easter eggs." Saint Peter says "I'm sorry, but that is incorrect, and you can't come into heaven." The second man says "I thought that guy had it right - is it when that little green guy comes around with his pot of gold and we drink a lot of green beer?" Saint Peter says "No, that is very wrong, and you can't come into heaven." Saint Peter looks to the third man. The third man clears his throat and says "Easter is when we remember Jesus giving his life upon the cross for our sins on Friday and his resurrection on Sunday." Saint Peter is very pleased and says "No one has gotten the question right for decades now." The third man says "There's more." Saint Peter is puzzled but says "Go on my son." The third man says "when Jesus died, they placed his body in a cave and sealed it with a boulder. Every spring, they take the boulder off the cave, and if Jesus comes out and sees his shadow...."
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian man. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later, the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't miss the Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The very old Italian man stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
Well," said the Italian, "my eyes aren't what they used to be."
The fourth grade teacher asked for someone to use fascinate in a sentence. Little Mary tried but used fascinating so the teacher went one. Little Joanie tried but used the word fascinated. So, finally the reluctant teacher called on little Billy, the class clown.
"My aunt got a new sweater that has ten buttons. But, her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
These are a few Steven Wright-isms I needed to share with you kind people just to start the Year off correctly!! This is the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement, and amusement. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, . . . but she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever . . . so far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't!
I was sitting on the bus when on walked this beautiful, blonde, chinese girl. She sat next to me and said "My therapist says I'm a nymphomaniac that's only turned on by jewish cowboys."
One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent's room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished, Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!' Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when it's your mom, is it.
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then le! ave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...! "
Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks, Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 .. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 .. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing!!, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you [censored] kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull [censored]. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, “Oh, me boyos, someone’s got to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be then?” They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse. “Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.” Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.” “Tell him to drop dead!”, says Murphy’s wife. “I’ll go tell him.” says Gallagher.
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’ ‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees. ‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’ She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp. ”What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender. ”Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy. ”That little O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.” ”That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.” ”Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?” That I did,” said Paddy, “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’ ‘Just water,’ says the priest. The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’ The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk, “for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. ‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’ ‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. ”Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”. ”Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?” ”That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.” ”Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.” ”I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?” ”It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.” ”Oh my dear Jaysus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?” ”Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?” She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?” She says, “That he did, Father.” The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?” ” She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, for the love of god, put down that damn gun…’ “
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ The man said, ‘I do, Father.’ The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’ Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ ‘Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply. ‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’ The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’ O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’ Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied,"Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPH Y returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class . Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."
Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY........
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time? "Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.
A man that was not so virtuous dies and finds himself at the gates of Hell. He’s terrified as Satan opens the gates. But Satan is really friendly and tells the guy “don’t worry, we’re all about indulgence here, you’re gonna love this place.” As the man walks through the gates he sees an endless line of doors before him, and in the distance a gray haze. He asks Satan what’s going on and Satan says “let’s see what’s behind door number one.” Inside it is summer vacation land. People are swimming, boating, etc. The guy says “wow, this is great.” Satan says, “We’re all about fun and indulgence here, you haven’t seen anything yet. Let’s check door number two.
As they walk to the next door, the guy notices the haze in the distance is smoke rising from the ground and he asks Satan what it is. Satan says, “Don’t worry, it’s nothing. Look at this place!” Inside, it is winter wonder land. The man sees Sol and Addicted snowboarding down one of the slopes, the lodge is full of snow bunnies, and the powder is perfect. The man exclaims “This is awesome Satan!” Satan says, “We’re all about fun and indulgence here. Let’s check door number three.”
As they walk to door number three they get closer to the smoke and now the guy sees flames coming out of the ground also, as well as hearing noises. “What is going on down there Satan?” “It’s nothing, really” Says Satan. “Check this out.” Inside is Vegas land with gambling, booze, showgirls, etc. The man really likes this too, but Satan says they have a lot of doors to check, lots to indulge in, so they set out for door number four.
As they walk the guy hears screaming and wailing coming from what now is obviously a large pit in the distance, with the flames and smoke. He bolts from Satan and runs to the edge of the pit. Horrified, he looks down and sees people being burned and tortured by demons, animals ripping people apart, others are being impaled with spears, and he falls to his knees and cries out “oh God, please save me!” Just then, Satan catches up to him and puts his arm around the man’s shoulders. “Don’t worry, this isn’t for you – the Catholics insisted on it.”
This photo was taken by an FAA Agent operating under deep cover at the Boeing Renton factory. Due to upcoming IAM Union negotiations, FAA fears are being realized.
It has become apparent there is some serious sabotage going on that has resulted in strategic placement of tiny window cracks in aircraft in the final assembly stage. This photo has sparked a huge investigation.
These cracks can expand and blow apart under pressure like that experienced at 30,000 feet.
If you fly on a regular basis, this photo will give you chills. Be warned, it will be hard to shake..........................
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
I knew it was going to happen, but we just didn't know when. Here it is! Men's answer to Maxine. Meet ------- MAX
Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. --------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ---------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. --------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'&a mp;nb sp; --------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't There is a clock on the oven. --------------------------------------------------------- Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. --------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. --------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. --------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. --------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. --------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. --------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, Az.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too,
Joe was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, Joe came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.
At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.'
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said Joe. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'
The robot walked around to Joe and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.
When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the sh*t out of her, not once, but three times.
An elderly couple are sitting in church when she leans over to her husband and says "I just let a very long,silent fart,what should I do ?" His reply,"change the battery in your hearing aids!"
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' (You've gotta love this..) 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Drafting Guys over 60 ----this is so Funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier----
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry" We are imp atient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the "New army" now, "Get down and give me ... er .. One."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. Also, we won't get in trouble for mistreating prisoners. We won't take any.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Three couples were interested in joining a new church. The minister of the church explained what was required to join the church. It was very simple. Abstain from sex for two months.
The minister welcome two couple into the congregation, when they returned after two months. The third couple was young and only the man arrived at the church. He told the father, he had failed the test. The father consoled him and ask the young man to explain the situation. Well, he said, we just recently got married. My bride likes to wear short skirts and one day, she spilled to coffee beans on the floor. I just couldnt help myself and I took her right on the floor. I just couldnt lie about it.
Well, the father said, Im sorry to hear that. It wont change anything, you wont be able to come back to the church on Sunday. The young man was not suprised. Father, safeway told us the same thing.
This man happened to be looking for a pet to keep his wife company, while he was out of town. He noticed a parrot in the pet store and asked the store keeper about it. The parrot was extremely intelligent and could easily repeat what he heard. The unusual thing about the parrot was that he was missing one foot. For balance the parrot actually wrapped his johnson around the perch bar for balance. The store owner explained, this bird is unusual. The bird had informed the wife, that the husband was having an affair. The man thought interesting, this bird could keep my wife company and keep an eye on her. Well the owner was very happy to sell this parrot, since most people thought it was a bit odd. The man bought a cage and brought the parrot home.
His wife was not really interested in the parrot and but decided to keep the parrot anyway. As usual the man left out of town and returned about a week later. He got home and his wife was not in. He decided to see how the parrot was doing. He said hello and the parrot said hey baby your hot". That was a strange response, he thought. He said youre pretty hot too." The bird said wanna get laid? Oh MY GOD! he thinks. Was there a man in this house and the bird replied, yes. Oh my God Did the man get laid? Bird replied, Im not sure. "What happened" Well they started kissing said the bird, What happend then? "They started taking off her cloths" Then what happened. "Then he took off his cloths" Then what happened. Well I got wood and fell of the dam perch.
There was this guy who lived about an hour outside of a busy city where he worked but he lived on a farm out in the country side. He woke up late one weekday morning and didn't have time to get some eggs, milk and make a breakfast for himself. Pissed off, he had to leave and head for work cause of the long drive ahead of him.
He drives the same interstate every day, but this morning, there was this new fruit stand on the side of the road he had never passed before. Hungry because he didn't have his usual breakfast, he stopped by to pick up something to eat. The fruit stand had everything. Just a ridiculous assortment. Being a Florida boy, he loved peaches. So he bought two of them and started eating them on his way to the car because he was so hungry. He took his first bite and turned around immediately and walked back to the stand. He went up to the guy running the stand and said "Dang! These are the best peaches I've EVER had. Whats the secret?" The fruit stand guy responded: "These are genetically modified peaches. I found the tastiest peach in the world and duplicated it's genes into the peaches I grow so now all my peaches taste the best!"
The guy, just astounded at the technology, goes "So, like, you can make fruit taste like anything?" The fruit stand guy goes "Yea, basically. I can make a fruit taste like anything. I can make apples taste like oranges, I can make chocolate flavored bananas, grapes that taste like lemonade, beer flavored strawberries. Yea. I can make any fruit taste like anything. I can get any flavor you want. Want to try something?"
So the guy goes: "Well, I've always been a fan of Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches since I was a young boy, do you have those?" "Of course" said the fruit guy, and handed the man a peanut butter and jelly peach. The guy sunk his teeth into the peach, chewed and swallowed it and said "That is the best strawberry jelly I have ever tasted! But I don't taste any peanut butter?" The fruit stand guy said "Ohh, turn it around" So the guy turned the peach around, took a bite and said "Ahh, this is the most delicious and creamy peanut butter I've ever tasted!"
The guy finished his PB&J peach, and was still looking to try more of this amazing new fruit. The fruit stand guy said "anything you can imagine, I have. Try me. I guarantee it" So the other guy, being pretty outgoing on this one, says "Well, this is weird, but do you have women flavored fruit? Like the taste when you eat a girl out?"
"Of course" was the answer, and he was handed a peach that looked like just a normal peach, but this one was formulated to taste like a woman. So the guy, hesitantly, takes a bite, and spits it out immediately... "EWW, this taste like feces, I meant for the fruit to taste like p*ssy!" The fruit farmer, goes: "Turn it around to the other side!"
Journalist David O'Brien from Cork, Ireland writes:
'We in Ireland cannot figure why you Americans are even bothering to hold a presidential election this year. On one side, you have a cackling bitch who is a lawyer, married to a disbarred lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a lawyer bitch who is not proud of her country. On the other side, you have a war hero who loves his country and is married to a good-looking woman who owns a beer distributorship worth 100 million dollars.
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your Front lawn?'
'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, they're having a yard sale.'
Fishing had been really poor for a couple of weeks at the lake, except for one old timer that came in with limits everyday. People got suspicious and called the game warden to say they thought the old timer had to be doing something illegal. The game warden showed up at the boat ramp the next day and waited for the old timer to show up.
When the crusty old fart showed up the warden asked "mind if I ride along in your boat today?" The old man shrugged his shoulders and said "help yourself, but don't get in my way."
They headed across the lake into a quiet, secluded cove. The old timer opened his tackle box, pulled out a stick of TNT, lit it, then dropped it over the side. The concussion rocked the boat, then several fish boiled to the surface. They warden screamed "YOU CAN'T DO THAT - IT'S TOTALLY ILLEGAL AND DANGEROUS!"
The old fart pulled out another stick and lit it, then tossed it in the wardens lap and said, "Are you gonna talk, or are you gonna fish?"
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away,' said the little old lady. 'I haven't got any money.' 'I'm broke!' She proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Dont be too hasty,' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. & ;nbs p; 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well, I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.'
There is a fly. He is going across the river and isnt going to make it. He starts going down much to the shagrin of a trout. He knows that flyis going down and when he does is going to jump up and eat him. On the bank, there is a bear and he sees everything happening. Figures when the trout jumps he will reach out and grab it. On a hillside behind the bear is a hunter. Through his high power scope he sees everything going down. Figures when the bear reaches out for the trout he will have a perfect shot. Behind the hunter is a cougar. The cougar is eye balling a mouse that is eye balling a cheese sandwich in the hunters pocket. The cougar is a keen eyed, witty and cunning creature as was all know and so ofcourse he sees everything about to happen. He knows that when the fly falls the trout will jump up, the bear will reach out, the hunter will shoot the bear, the cheese sandwich will fall out of the hunters pocket, the mouse will grab it and drag it, the cougar is going to jump for the mouse and snag it. So it happens, the fly falls, the trout jumps, the bear reaches out, the hunter shoots, the cheese sandwich falls, the mouse grabs it, and the cougar jumps for the mouse, but the witty, cunning little creature missed and rolled all the way down the hill into the river and got all the wet. So what is the moral of the story?
My pal Paul and I stopped at a bar after work Friday and got a little carried away with the cognac and Paul vomited on his work shirt.
Of course he started whining about how his girl was going to be very disappointed with his drunkardness when he got home. So I gave him some advice. Advice any sober person could have pulled-off.
I took the ten dollar bill he had laying on the bar and put it in his shirt pocket. I told him "When you get home and she starts nagging, just tell her an old wino puked on you, and gave you ten bucks for the cleaning bill.
Paul guzzled a few cups of coffee and hit the road for home.
Upon arriving, his gal immediately started to point out the obvious.
"Look at you...drunk, you stink and you threw-up on yourself. How disgusting!"
Paul said "No honey, really... a drunk guy bumped into me on the way home and vomited all over my shirt. He even gave me five dollars for the cleaning bill, its in my shirt pocket"
Pauls angry woman took the money from his pocket and said "You said he gave you five dollars but theres a ten dollar bill here"
Paul paused, looked his woman in one eye and said, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too"
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. &nb sp;I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild a nimals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to t he bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."
"The bad ne ws is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. "
President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Cheney and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a [censored] about the 140 million Muslims."
I bought a new truck yesterday and had to return to the dealer today because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, ' Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, ' Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck , but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Ass Holes!' Immediately God Save the Queen began to play, sung by Ronald Reagan and Charleton Heston, backed up by Arnold Schwarzenegger and George W Bush, with Tom DeLay on guitar, John McCain on drums, Laura Ingraham on harmonica, Ann Coulter on tambourine, Antonin Scalia on spoons, Clarence Thomas on sax and Richard Nixon on scotch.
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote his son a letter and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie. At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son: Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses..... The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....'I would have gotten out today.'
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans. Not really knowing what a McCain fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a McCain fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a McCain fan?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat." The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat Little Johnny answere d, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat." Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "Well, if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a McCain fan."
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
3 guys, an accountant, an architect, and a salesman would get together at their favorite watering hole every week and proceed to get into one hell of an arguement, complete with screams and shouts. Friday afternoon came and the bar owner decided he had enough of this crap so when the 3 guys came in and started arguing about who had the smartest dog, the bar owner came over and said, " Guys, I've had it up to here with your arguing, you are driving my other customers away. Each of you give me $100 to hold, go get your dogs and we'll decide who the smartest one is. So it was...
The accountant went first. He threw 6 dog biscuits out on the floor and commanded, "Ledger, go do your thing." The dog bounded out and arranged the 6 dog biscuits into two absolutely straight columns of 3 biscuits each. The accountant was very proud.
The architect went next. He threw 6 dog biscuits out on the floor and commanded, "Slide Rule, go!" The dog raced on the floor and arranged the dog biscuits into two equilateral triangles. The architect turned to the salesman and said "beat that".
The salesman threw 6 dog biscuits out on the floor and let his dog named Hunter go out on the floor. Hunter ate the biscuits, f*cked the other two dogs, and took the afternoon off. The salesman was $200 richer......
A man who had just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde Mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk 20 stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grat eful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 % for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quit e well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the UPS man dead on the porch.
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged---my wife won twice last week."
If this doesn't make you laugh just go ahead and close your casket!!!
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.... But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.... Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles las t week?'
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.' 'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'
Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?' Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collec ted.' The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?' Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.' 'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'
Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted.. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'
'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-he re and r-r-r -r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds."Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some o f the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack. 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Ret urns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock. 2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane pain t bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1957 - Ants die. 2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confisc ated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
> >>GOTTA PEE > >> > >>Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very > >>faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten > >>over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. > >> > >>Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they > >>stopped in the cemetery. > >> > >>One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take > >>off her panties and use them. > >> > >>Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties > >>and did not want to ruin them. > >> > >>She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a > >>wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. > >> > >>After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. > >> > >>The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his > >>normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he > >>phoned the other husband and said: > >>"These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the > >>worst. My wife came home with no panties!!' > >> > >>"That's nothing" said the other husband, > >>"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... > >> > >>"From all of us at the Fire Station. > >>We'll never forget you.'' > >>
EUREKA, CA—A local mountain lion came face-to-face with a group of hikers and made it out alive, sources reported Monday. Wildlife officials are crediting the courageous cougar's quick thinking, catlike reflexes, and 150 pounds of coiled muscle with successfully fending off the human foot travelers. Enlarge Image Mountain Lion
The quick-thinking cougar managed to escape by going for his attackers' vulnerable torsos.
The mountain lion was reportedly enjoying a quiet afternoon walk around Redwood National Park, on the same path it had taken almost every single day for the past three years, when it heard a rustling sound emanating from the underbrush. Upon investigation, the large feline noticed that a pack of hikers—one adult male, two young children, and an adult female that it instantly recognized as the mother—had crossed into territory that the cat had clearly marked as its own via tree scrapings and urine.
Outnumbered four to one, the cougar, fearing for its life, somehow managed to stay calm. It remained perfectly still in a crouched position and stared directly at the hikers, in the hopes that they would simply pass by. The hikers, however, were undeterred. They began shrieking loudly, clapping their hands, and throwing sticks and rocks at the animal in an apparent attempt to injure it.
"Nothing can prepare a mountain lion for an encounter with four hikers," said park ranger Kenneth Meiggs, noting that it is unusual to find hikers in that particular area of the woods. "In order to defend itself, the cougar had to rely on pure instinct alone." Enlarge Image Anatomy Of An Assault
Armed with nothing more than four-inch claws, razor-sharp teeth, and a 5.4-meter vertical leap, the mountain lion lunged at the adult male hiker. In a defensive measure, it pinned the hiker to the ground, thus disabling the man's primary means of attack. After a brief struggle, the animal was eventually able to lock onto the hiker's skull with its jaw.
"Repeated biting of the skull and face is the textbook way to fend off a human attack," said Mike Kasperski, biologist and author of the book Hikers: Shadows In The Forest.
The mother, however, became increasingly aggressive due to the presence of her young. She reportedly ran toward the mountain lion with a four-inch-wide log and began striking it upon the head. Not knowing what else to do, the feline tore a foot-wide hole in the hiker's stomach, but the enraged female continued to fight, poking the feline in the eye with her finger. The cougar, in a last-ditch effort for survival, whipped its claws across the woman's throat, killing her instantly.
Remarkably, this brave mountain lion is only 4 and a half years old.
"It's amazing what some mountain lions are capable of when faced with the most dire of circumstances," Meiggs said. "To think that those hikers were a mere 20 yards away, and the lion walked away unscathed…. Wow."
The two younger hikers received small lacerations on their legs and chest, while the adult male is being treated for massive head trauma and internal bleeding. The mother, identified as Cyndi Thalls, 38, of Pacoima, CA, was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I think it's safe to say those hikers will think twice before getting into another tussle with this feisty little fellow," Meiggs added with a chuckle.
Following the incident, the mountain lion retreated into the woods, escaping with nothing more than a few minor scratches and a blood-covered snout. At press time, it is resting comfortably on a large rock.
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech, or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker into."
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be jus t below your left breast'.
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
@Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me the President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about!
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep [censored]!
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. Y ou would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all....
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley, we'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. 'How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,&nbs p; put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
I, _________________________ (fill in blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood ethically challenged politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a __________________ ( cold beer, Margarita, Bloody Mary, Martini, Rum & Coke, shot of Wild Turkey, or whatever) it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the hypocritical members of the Legislature (State or Federal) enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case.
I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know them, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own damn business.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry , officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. 'I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying .
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I’m Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party."
"How about that Senator Barack Obama? You know what he's doing? He's going door to door, knocking on doors, and it's fascinating. It's kind of like a throw-back. I don't know if he changed any votes, but today he came home with a big bag full of Halloween candy. How about that? But it was a little embarrassing when he rang a doorbell at two of McCain's houses." --David Letterman
"The third presidential debate took place in our neck of the woods, out on Long Island. ... I watched the debate, and, honestly, there was no question, no question who looked more presidential. Bob Schieffer." --David Letterman
"But here, I mean, they're going right down to the wire here. You've got Barack Obama and you've got John McCain. And oh, my God, what a soap opera, what a soap opera this has become. I mean, it's the 'Old and the Restless.'" --David Letterman
"Did you notice how energetic and aggressive John McCain was during the debate? I think somebody added Red Bull to his Mylanta." --David Letterman
"Every debate's had one of these, where there's kind of an embarrassing moment, one of the candidates got confused. It happened again earlier tonight, John McCain, they're sitting at desks. That was the new breakthrough for this debate, sitting at desks. And John McCain kept asking about a senior discount on the grand slam breakfast." --David Letterman
"I don't want to say John McCain is old, but he's the only guy who fantasizes about Cloris Leachman on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" --David Letterman
"How about that Sarah Palin? Do you like Sarah Palin? She's exciting. She's interesting, isn't she? And she was at the debate, and she was blinking McCain's answers in code." --David Letterman
"You know, that's what people are saying, they're saying that Sarah Palin is transmitting, every time she blinks, it's some sort of coded message that she's transferring over the television to the public. I remember the same thing, Hillary Clinton, same thing. Do you remember that? She used to actually -- this is true -- she used to send coded messages by opening and closing her pantsuit." --David Letterman
"Ladies and gentlemen, I got an update on Vice President Dick Cheney. He was admitted to a hospital earlier today, abnormal heart rhythm. But he's doing fine. He's okay. He's already sitting up, sneering at nurses. And he'll be out shooting hunting buddies again soon." --David Letterman
Earlier this evening, the third presidential debate was held. And this is interesting, Hillary Clinton was sitting in the audience. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, in fact, when John McCain was attacking Barack Obama, you could hear Hillary yelling, 'Get him!'" --Conan O'Brien
"Sarah Palin had her motorcade stop at a Wal-Mart so she could buy a bag of diapers. That's true. Yeah. Palin said she wouldn't have made the stop for diapers, but John McCain's completely out." --Conan O'Brien
"Josh Brolin, who plays President Bush in the new movie 'W,' says at first, he wasn't sure he should take the role, because it would be such an acting challenge. That's what he said. Brolin says he prepared for the role by getting up every day, running five miles, and then bashing himself in the head with a hammer." --Conan O'Brien
"Hillary Clinton said on Fox News there's no chance of her running for president again -- this year." --Jay Leno
"You know, an article in the Washington Post today said that some medical experts believe Joe Biden may have had Botox. In fact, you know how they could tell? His expression didn't change when they asked him about his hair plugs." --Jay Leno
"Oh, he's not the only one, yeah. Now they're accusing John McCain of being pumped full of formaldehyde." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama unveiled his economic plan this week. Obama said the one word in everybody's mind, and that word is j-o-b-s. Immediately afterwards, President Bush accused Barack of talking in some kind of secret code." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said, today, if it wasn't for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channel openly rooting for him isn't enough. You gotta get that last one." --Jay Leno
"Well, the market went down over 700 points today. Oh, that reminds me. You know, we turn our clocks back soon. We're turning it back to 1929, I believe." --Jay Leno
"Hey, look, I don't want to say the stock market is unstable, but this morning, the opening bell was rung by Paula Abdul." --Jay Leno
"And they gave out the Nobel Prize for economics this week. Interesting. It went to a highly intelligent economist. His theory is a little hard, I think, for the average person to comprehend. I'm going to break it down. This is his theory. He determined that it was bad business to give loans to people who can't pay them back! Apparently, we don't understand that in this country." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney was treated today for an irregular heartbeat. His doctors aren't sure what caused it. They figured it was either stress or the sudden drop in oil prices." --Jay Leno
"Actually, doctors shocked his heart back into a normal rhythm after it lost rhythm. Losing rhythm. See, that's when you know you're really, really a white guy. When you lose so much rhythm, you need hospitalization." --Jay Leno
"This is not your typical debate. Anheuser-Busch, the beer company, underwrote it. They paid for everything, which is a little bit odd, because Cindy McCain, as you may know, owns an Anheuser-Busch wholesaler in Arizona, and also because it's just weird to have alcohol play such a major role in a presidential debate. I don't know much about running for president, but it seems to me that John McCain is not spending nearly enough time working the 'my wife can get us free beer' angle." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Meanwhile, this is kind of a cute thing. Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart in Ohio, so she could pick up a package of diapers. I guess she ran out of diapers, so they pulled over and she went in and everyone followed her. Which is kind of cute, but it turned out Senator McCain didn't need them." --Jimmy Kimmel
"All the cable news channels were buzzing about what we could expect to happen at the debate. This morning on CNN, Kyra Phillips was introducing her expert analysts, and well, see if you catch the very subtle Freudian slip [on screen: Phillips introduces Republican strategist Leslie Sanchez as a CNN contributor, but it sounds like she says the word c**t twice before spitting out 'contributor']. It's cable, you can say whatever you want." --Jimmy Kimmel
"This is an interesting. Scholastic, the company [that] used to sell books when we were in school. They polled 250,000 American school kids and that they asked who they liked for president. Overwhelmingly, they picked Barack Obama over John McCain. And not only did McCain finish behind Obama, he also finished well behind Batman, the Wiggles and Dora the Explorer. So, you know, a poll like this may seem to be trivial, but believe it or not, this is true, it has correctly predicted who is the president will be every election year since 1960." --Jimmy Kimmel
"As we speak, Barack Obama and John McCain have just finished their third and final debate. Now, in the latest New York Times poll, McCain trails by 14 points. So it is clear what this debate needed to be for him [on screen: people saying McCain needs a game-changer in the final debate]. Hopefully he can change that game to golf. That way the lowest score wins." -Stephen Colbert
"But I personally [am] not worried about John McCain. The Lord is on his side. After all, John McCain's led a very Biblical life. Like his namesake Cain, he is not afraid to go negative on a brother. Like John the Baptist, he paved the way for the new Messiah [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin], and like Moses, he takes advice from a Bush who is going up in flames." --Stephen Colbert
Irie, don't know what you were drinking when you posted that (maybe some of TODDBAMA & KKIDEN'S Kool aid).. but you may want to be careful throwing that "R" word around. Thought you lefties were first and foremost, "Politically Correct"???
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I was listing to bad joke friday and heard this one. It;'s pretty bad...
So, the other day I was driving down the road when I saw an older indian woman walking in a heavy rain storm. I pulled over and let her in. As we started down the road, I asked where I could take her. She smiled, patted my leg and said, " You're passionate honey". I was taken back a little and didn't know how to respond so I asked agian. Again she answered, "you're passionate honey." I must have had a puzzled look, because she said a little louder, " the liquior store honey, you're passionate."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
There’s an old Marine Corps tale about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines in the field, and afterward told the ‘Gunny’ that the men smelled bad. The lieutenant’s suggested solution was for the men to change their underwear.
The Gunny responded, ‘Yes sir, I’ll see to it immediately!’
The Gunny went straight to the squad tent and announced, ‘The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowsky, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!’
THE MORAL: A candidate may promise ‘change’ in Washington , but don’t count on things smelling any better.
One day, back in the time of sailing ships, the lookout of a British patrol ship shouted down to the captain "two pirate ships to starboard!"
The captain said to his first mate "go to my cabin and get my red shirt." The first mate comes back and helps the captain change shirts. The captain commands them through battle with the pirates successfully. Back at port, one of the crew asks the captain why he put on a red shirt. "The odds were against us two to one, and if were wounded in battle, I did not want you to see the blood stain on my shirt so that you would not lose hope and fight on to victory." The crew were impressed.
The next day on patrol, the lookout shouted down to the captain "ten pirate ships to port!!!"
The captain looked to his first mate and said "go get my brown pants."
One day, back in the time of sailing ships, the lookout of a British patrol ship shouted down to the captain "two pirate ships to starboard!"
The captain said to his first mate "go to my cabin and get my red shirt." The first mate comes back and helps the captain change shirts. The captain commands them through battle with the pirates successfully. Back at port, one of the crew asks the captain why he put on a red shirt. "The odds were against us two to one, and if were wounded in battle, I did not want you to see the blood stain on my shirt so that you would not lose hope and fight on to victory." The crew were impressed.
The next day on patrol, the lookout shouted down to the captain "ten pirate ships to port!!!"
The captain looked to his first mate and said "go get my brown pants."
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
A Montana cowboy was watching his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
The cowboy looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NAS satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government”, says the cowboy.
“Wow! That's correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required,” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now get my dog out of your trunk.”
Barack, His wife Michelle and Oprah are on a private jet and Barack says" If I were to throw a 1000 dollar bill out of this plane I would make one person very happy." Michelle responds, " If i were to throw ten 100 dollar bills out of the plane I would make ten people very happy." the Oprah responded " oh yeah, If I threw 1000 hundred dollar bills out of the plane I would make 1000 people very happy" The pilot listening to this leans over to his co-pilot and says" listen to them back there talking about how many people they could make happy with their money. I could throw all three of them out of the plain and make 56 million people very happy.
From my brother in law, it made me laugh, IN THE GARDEN
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry juice along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply. "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said "I thought money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was "No, the love of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool, it can be used for good or bad."
I was starting to feel better, but still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, senior, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned. “Oh my God,” he said to himself, “it really works!”
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dalbo . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Minnesota and it is legal for me to retrieve what I've shot; if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in this county. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger, besides, how hard could this old guy kick. So he agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Politics Explained FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
I'm Really Gonna Miss Systematically Destroying This Place
BY GEORGE W. BUSH DECEMBER 1, 2008 | ISSUE 44•49
Oh, America. Eight years went by so fast, didn't they? I feel like I hardly got to know you and methodically undermine everything you once stood for. But I guess all good things must come to an end, and even though you know I would love to stick around for another year or four—maybe privatize Social Security or get us into Iran—I'm afraid it's time to go. But before I leave, let me say, from the bottom of my heart: I can't think of another country I would've rather led to the brink of collapse.
Boy, oh boy, if these Oval Office walls could talk. Seems like it was only yesterday that I started my first term despite having actually lost to Al Gore by more than a half million votes. Hmm. We were all so young and peaceful then. Gosh, gas was still under $2 a gallon! On my watch it peaked at more than twice that. Never getting it up to $6 or ideally $7.50 will be one of my few regrets when I leave office.
It's just gonna be so hard packing up my things and heading off into the sunset come January. I wish I could go on forever giving massive and disastrous tax cuts to the wealthy, taking the country from a surplus to a deficit—nearly $500 billion this year, likely to pass $1 trillion next year, fingers crossed—and just generally doing irreparable damage to the very underpinnings of our economy, but, well, I'm afraid the Constitution says I can't. And not even I can overrule the Constitution. Though Lord knows I tried! Initiating blanket wiretaps without warrants, suspending habeas corpus for prisoners in Guantanamo, infiltrating an unknown number of nonviolent civilian antiwar groups without permission… such wonderful memories. I'm going to cherish them forever.
My fellow Americans, I only hope that every time you have your civil liberties encroached upon by the Patriot Act, you'll think of me.
Everywhere I look brings back memories. The Blue Room is where Laura and I put up our first White House Christmas tree. Down the hall, in the East Room, is where I concocted my favorite signing statement to circumvent the anti-torture guidelines of the Detainee Treatment Act of 2005, and—ooh!—right across the way is where Cheney and I decided to use the death of 3,000 Americans on 9/11 and the nation's subsequent fear of another attack as an excuse to carry out our long-standing plan to invade Iraq. I should really get a picture before I leave.
Speaking of pictures, whenever I look at the dusty old newspaper photos of those tortured prisoners at Abu Ghraib or the crumpled ruins of that bridge in Minnesota, I can hold my head up high knowing that I truly fucked this nation—physically and symbolically—beyond repair. I only wish I had the time to destroy a couple more major American cities.
And Cheney, I almost forgot about Cheney. What a guy, huh? I can't believe that in a few short weeks he's never going to talk to me again. The stories I could tell you about what went on in some of those back rooms—well, you wouldn't believe me if I declassified the memos. I don't know, maybe in 20 years, when the economy has rebounded and the people displaced by Katrina have rebuilt their lives from scratch with almost no federal assistance, Cheney and I can meet up again in the Rose Garden and reminisce over the good old days, when it seemed like there was no part of this great country we couldn't ruin forever.
What am I going to do once I'm no longer president? I've gotten so used to waking up every day, playing fetch with the dogs on the White House lawn, and then spending a lazy afternoon shredding every last bit of our good will abroad in a mind-boggling display of diplomatic incompetence.
The worst part about leaving is knowing I can never screw up anything this big again. Don't get me wrong, I'm only 62. I could still bankrupt an oil company, or become the next MLB commissioner and ruin baseball. But I'll never get the opportunity to [censored] up on this massive of a scale again. Even if you put me back in charge for another term, I could only take the U.S. from a rapidly declining world power to not a world power at all. I don't mean to gloat, but I think it's safe to say that no one can ever unseat the American empire like I unseated the American empire.
Still, I have to admit, sometimes I think I could've dismantled so much more. The very fact that the environment still exists, that a mere 4,000 troops have died in Iraq, that there is still the slightest glimmer of hope for the future left in this nation—it's easy to feel like maybe I didn't do my job. But no, no, there's no use having any regret. I fucked everything up the best I could and that's good enough for me.
You know, I've got a few weeks left. I could still illegally fire some U.S. attorneys for political reasons, or finally get rid of that pesky separation between church and state. Or maybe I could just bomb a place. Like Russia. But this time, I would really savor it.
As long as I live, America, I'll never forget irreparably ruining you. Unless we all die in a nuclear war or calamitous environmental disaster brought on by my neglect. Either way, I'll see you all in heaven!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year .Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year .Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year .Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The 'iTit' will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts........ and not listening to them.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
,,,,,,,, And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Last night I stopped to help a pretty woman change her flat tire. I asked her if she has a spare. To which she repiled " yes, its in the trunk". As I was getting the tire from the trunk, I told her " I have never helped a pregnant woman change a flat tire" She gave me a puzzled look and said," I'm not pregnant" to which I repied, " I'm not done changing your tire"
You have to be very careful how you explain things to kids. . .
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good, and the comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back side, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes The Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains Of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. A fter several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down, we all know he will pay dearly for ever saying these things but it was a sacrifice to do so. may he rest in peace!!!!!
Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear " the Rules " From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something, Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said, "OK take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God Dr.Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?'"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much [censored] (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of [censored] it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough [censored], please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the [censored] you can handle.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. Oneis from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesotacontractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about$900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to theWhite House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the otherguys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractorwhispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy fromTennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan works.
Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government.
He's the one who will figure out how this "bail-out" is going to work.
Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government.
He's the one who will figure out how this "bail-out" is going to work.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball.’
Man: ‘That’s nice’
Boy: ‘Want to buy it?’
Man: ‘No, thanks.’
Boy: ‘My Dad’s outside.’
Man: ‘OK, how much?’
Boy: ‘$250′
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: ‘Dark in here.’
Man: ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball glove.’
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
Boy: ‘$750′
Man: ‘Sold.’
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, ‘Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.’
The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.’
The Dad asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Boy: ‘$1,000′
The Dad says, ‘That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church, to confession.’
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The priest says, ‘Don’t start that [censored] again; you’re in my closet now.’
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Ryan dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
I bought a new Ford F350 and returned to the dealer yesterday > because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained > that the radio was voice activated. > > "Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, > "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" > came from the speakers. > > Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant " Georgia On My > Mind" replaced Willie Nelson. > > I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, > "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, > "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs. > > Yesterday, some Mexicans ran a red light and nearly creamed my new > truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "*ss Holes!" > > Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane > Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The > Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan > Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on > spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch. > > Daymn, I LOVE this truck!
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; your confidence will be restored! ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,' -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.' --Mariah Carey
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,' --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,' --A congressional candidate in Texas
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.' --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.' --Keppel Enderbery
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable .
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye. Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win..
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney.. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for > the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield > on business for four weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a > depositor of the bank. > > The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security > for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. > > The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced > the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the > car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% > interest. > > Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at > the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a > $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's > underground garage and parked it. > > Four weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest > of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your > business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a > little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you > are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow > $5,000?' > > The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York City , can I park my > car for four weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says "My body hurts, wherever I touch it. It's agony." "Impossible!", says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast, and screams, then she pushes her elbow, and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then she pushes on her thigh, and more screaming. Pushes her ankle, more screams, and everywhere she touches, makes her scream. Doctor says, "you're not really a redhead are you?" Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." I thought so", the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place.'
On a man's 66th birthday, he got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Native American reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. The man drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to the patient, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then immediately say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."
The patient was encouraged.. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How does one stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man responded,"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom . When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, or... ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as SinkodeMayo.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes, she says, "I remember it well".
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!" There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about forty minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Dorothy and Ed met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. During the next couple of weeks Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.
And so.... on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' Ed said to his newfound lady friend. ' I eat, sleep and breathe golf , so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!'
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, you need to know that I'm a hooker.'
'I see,' Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added, 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.
A Chinese dude walks into the optometrists office for an eye exam and his doctor says, "Hey, looks like you have a cataract!", The Chinese man replies suavly, "No I don't, I drive a rinkin-contanenter."
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Buddy would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.''
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, ‘Is this a union house?’
‘No,’ she replied, ‘I’m sorry it isn’t.’
‘Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’
’The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,’ she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, ’Why yes sir, this is a union house. ‘We observe all union rules.’
The man asked, ‘And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’
‘The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.’ ‘That’s more like it!’ the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
‘I’d like her,’ he said.
‘I’m sure you would, sir,’ said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, ‘but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next.’
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his... She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
The owner of the sex shop was training the new clerk about store policies, procedures and pricing.
"The only unmarked items are the dildos behind the counter. The white ones are $10 and the black ones are $25. Everything else in the store has a price on it. I have to run some errands, so I'll be back in an hour or two."
Things went smoothly for about an hour until a customer asked about the dildos.
"How much are the dildos?"
"$10 for the white ones, $25 for the black ones."
"OOOHHH! How much for the plaid one!?!"
Thinking quickly the clerk replied, "$200.00."
"I'LL TAKE IT!!!"
An hour later the owner returned and asked how things had gone.
"Great. I wound up selling 5 white dildos and ten black dildos. I also got $200 for your thermos."
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Rosecrest Retirement Home. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from UCLA and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven…which part of your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your feet.”
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?”
Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night Mommy and her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh ! God, I’m coming!”
“If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'
SO yesterday I was making a bait tray for my ice chest, and was drilling a few drainage holes in the tray. Upon completion, I was showing off my creation to my girlfriend when she exclaimed, "How'd you drill the holes so good?"(perfect *computer aided* grid)
I shot back, "Because I'm good at drillin' holes!"
A marine is finally coming home on leave from Iraq. As he gets seated he cannot help but notice that the two other people sitting sext to him are Arab males. The Marine decides to relax and takes off his shoes.
After the plane takes off the Arab man sitting on the inside of him asks if he could squeeze by to the isle in order to get a coke. The marine responds; "Stay seated buddy I am more than happy to get it for you." As the marine is getting the coke the Arab man spits in his shoe. The marine finally comes back and hands him his coke.
About an hour passes and the other arab man sitting by the window asks if he could squeeze by to go get a coke. The marine replies;"I got it my friends", and promptly jumps up to get the man a coke. While the marine is gone the other Arab man spits in his other shoe. After a short time the marine returns with the coke.
As the plane lands the marine slips on his shoes and immediatly realizes what had happened. The marine leans over and says; "You know this is getting so old, When will this ever end?" One of the arab men ask; "what are you talking about?" with a smirk on his face.
The Marine replies; "you know, all of this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes.
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd you do?" "First Place!," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?" They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" "I'm entering," says Pinocchio. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.
Little Johnny is sitting in his history class one monday morning.
Teacher says to the class, "Ok kids, on Thursday we will be having a quiz on the battle of the Alamo. If you answer my question correctly, you can have Friday off for a three day weekend."
Little Johnny is stoked for a three day weekend. Fishing, shooting frogs, etc. He spends all week studying on the battle of the Alamo.
Thursday morning comes, and Little Johnny knows everything about the battle of the Alamo.
Teacher says, "Ok kids, here is the first question. In what state is the Alamo currently located?"
Little Johnny is shocked at how easy the question is. He raises his hand, but the teacher calls on a little mexican boy sitting in the front row. Little Juan jumps up and says, "Texas."
Teacher says, "Very good Juan, have a great three day weekend." Johnny is pissed! Such an easy question.
Teacher sasy, "Ok kids, second question. In what year was the battle of the Alamo fought?"
Johnny is again shocked at the easy question. He quickly raises his hand and waves it at the teacher.
The teacher however, calls on a little mexican girl in the front row. Little Juanita stands up and yells out, "1835!" Teacher says, "Very good Juanita, have a great three day weekend."
Johnny is pissed! Another easy question.
Teacher says, "Ok kids, last question. Who was the leader of the Mexican Army at the battle of the Alamo?"
Johnny is so excited that he knows the answer. He again quickly raises his hand and begins waiving it at the teacher.
Teacher calls on a little mexican boy sitting in the second row. Little Miguel stands up and yells out, "Santa Anna!" Teacher says, "Very good Miguel, have a great three day weekend."
Little Johnny is so pissed! He blurts out, "Where the F*** did all these mexicans come from?"
Teacher says, "Who said that?"
Little Johnny smiles and says, "Davy Crockett did bitch, see you on Monday!"
"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants"
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Italy, South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California . There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.
Dear Joe The Advice Guy: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become very distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila
******************************
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . > > > > After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman > > > > asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. > > > > > > > > The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. > > > > He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores > > > > than let liquor touch my lips." > > > > > > > > The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice." >
Little Johnny is sitting in his history class one monday morning.
Teacher says to the class, "Ok kids, on Thursday we will be having a quiz on the battle of the Alamo. If you answer my question correctly, you can have Friday off for a three day weekend."
Little Johnny is stoked for a three day weekend. Fishing, shooting frogs, etc. He spends all week studying on the battle of the Alamo.
Thursday morning comes, and Little Johnny knows everything about the battle of the Alamo.
Teacher says, "Ok kids, here is the first question. In what state is the Alamo currently located?"
Little Johnny is shocked at how easy the question is. He raises his hand, but the teacher calls on a little mexican boy sitting in the front row. Little Juan jumps up and says, "Texas."
Teacher says, "Very good Juan, have a great three day weekend." Johnny is pissed! Such an easy question.
Teacher sasy, "Ok kids, second question. In what year was the battle of the Alamo fought?"
Johnny is again shocked at the easy question. He quickly raises his hand and waves it at the teacher.
The teacher however, calls on a little mexican girl in the front row. Little Juanita stands up and yells out, "1835!" Teacher says, "Very good Juanita, have a great three day weekend."
Johnny is pissed! Another easy question.
Teacher says, "Ok kids, last question. Who was the leader of the Mexican Army at the battle of the Alamo?"
Johnny is so excited that he knows the answer. He again quickly raises his hand and begins waiving it at the teacher.
Teacher calls on a little mexican boy sitting in the second row. Little Miguel stands up and yells out, "Santa Anna!" Teacher says, "Very good Miguel, have a great three day weekend."
Little Johnny is so pissed! He blurts out, "Where the F*** did all these mexicans come from?"
Teacher says, "Who said that?"
Little Johnny smiles and says, "Davy Crockett did bitch, see you on Monday!"
Little Johnny is sitting in his history class one monday morning.
Teacher says to the class, "Ok kids, on Thursday we will be having a quiz on the battle of the Alamo. If you answer my question correctly, you can have Friday off for a three day weekend."
Little Johnny is stoked for a three day weekend. Fishing, shooting frogs, etc. He spends all week studying on the battle of the Alamo.
Thursday morning comes, and Little Johnny knows everything about the battle of the Alamo.
Teacher says, "Ok kids, here is the first question. In what state is the Alamo currently located?"
Little Johnny is shocked at how easy the question is. He raises his hand, but the teacher calls on a little mexican boy sitting in the front row. Little Juan jumps up and says, "Texas."
Teacher says, "Very good Juan, have a great three day weekend." Johnny is pissed! Such an easy question.
Teacher sasy, "Ok kids, second question. In what year was the battle of the Alamo fought?"
Johnny is again shocked at the easy question. He quickly raises his hand and waves it at the teacher.
The teacher however, calls on a little mexican girl in the front row. Little Juanita stands up and yells out, "1835!" Teacher says, "Very good Juanita, have a great three day weekend."
Johnny is pissed! Another easy question.
Teacher says, "Ok kids, last question. Who was the leader of the Mexican Army at the battle of the Alamo?"
Johnny is so excited that he knows the answer. He again quickly raises his hand and begins waiving it at the teacher.
Teacher calls on a little mexican boy sitting in the second row. Little Miguel stands up and yells out, "Santa Anna!" Teacher says, "Very good Miguel, have a great three day weekend."
Little Johnny is so pissed! He blurts out, "Where the F*** did all these mexicans come from?"
Teacher says, "Who said that?"
Little Johnny smiles and says, "Davy Crockett did bitch, see you on Monday!"
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!
1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ( Carol Shea-Porter ) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2.I got a call from a Kansas Congressman' s ( Moore ) staffer ( Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massac husetts .''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife ( Landra Reid ) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5.An aide for a cabinet member( Janet Napolitano ) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6.An Illinois Congresswoman ( Jan Schakowsky ) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I exp lained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, ( Jerrold Nadler ) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide ( Lindsay Ross ) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I=2 0need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman ( John Adler ) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? '' Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
An oldie but goodie from the past (slightly edited) that seems even more accurate now than it did in 2004.
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ"? The man replied, "130". So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool".
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about the weather, football, baseball, action movies and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool".
A third guy came into the bar. As with the others, the robot asked, "What's your IQ?" "I'm not too sure," the man replied, "but someone told me that it's about 70." "That's cool,' the robot said. "So, what's the Republican Party up to these days?
All these doctors from around the world were togethor talking the German doctor said we are so advanced we put a pigs kidney in a man and had him looking for work in 4 weeks, the russian doctor said I can top that we put a new heart in a man and had him looking for work in 2 weeks, then the american doctor said I can do ya one better we put a black man in the white house and had every man looking for work in 2 days.
An inexperienced hunter hired a guide to take him elk hunting in the back country. He met the guide at a trailhead. They unloaded horses and rode up the trail in search of elk. About a mile in a tweaker ran out of the bushes and the guide promptly shot him. The hunter was upset and said "you just killed him, you can't do that!" The guide let him know that in those parts it was perfectly legal. They continued their hunt and the guide managed to shoot 2 more tweakers, but they didn't encounter any elk. They rode back to the trailhead where they discovered some tweakers breaking into their fancy rigs. The hunter shot as many as he could. Then sirens blared and cops came out of the bushes to arrest the hunter. The hunter let them know it was his understanding that it was legal in those parts. The officer in charge said that indeed it was legal to shoot tweakers, but against the law to shoot them over bait.
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired to -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
Two therapists were having lunch when one said to the other "I had a terrible Freudian slip with my wife at breakfast this morning." The other therapist asked "What happened." the first says "I meant to ask her to pass the butter for my toast." "What did you actually say?"
A small zoo in Washington state, near Forks, obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available to service her.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of KK Irie, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. KK Irie, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. KK was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?
KK showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First," KK said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," he said, "she must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth," KK Irie said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," KK said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500."
A young newlywed elementary school teacher was trying to get her class to remember her new, married name, as they were constantly calling her by her maiden name. She drew a picture of a cat on the blackboard and addressed the class by saying, "Class, I've got an easy way to remember my new name . It sounds like pussy cat, but the second letter is an "R", so you say it Prussy. It's very simple." The next day she asked her students if they remembered her new name. They all looked confused as they tried to think of how she told them to remember, until little Charlie's face brightened up and his hand shot into the air.Relieved, she called, "Yes, Charlie?" Smiling smugly at his classmates' failure, and his own genius, he proudly pronounced her name as,"Mrs. Crunt!"
A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer replies, "Yes!" The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG !!!, shoots him in the head and kills him! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man,"Did you see me rob this bank?"The man calmly responds ... "No, but my wife did."
An elderly man and woman were sitting together eating lunch at a nursing home. The topics of long since passed spouses comes up. After a while they began discussing what they missed about their former letationships. The woman says, "I sure do miss cuddling in the evening by the fire." The man replies, "I miss sex, what I miss more than anything was her holding my penis." After a while the conversation came to a close. the man says, "would you mind holding my penis? I am not asking for anything other than that." The woman thinks about it for awhile and finally aggrees.
Several weeks go by and they routinely meet on the fronch porch and she holds his penis while they talk.
One day she sees him with another woman next to him on the front porch. She become very jellous and approuches the situation. She angrily asks, "what does she have that I don't?" He replies.....
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, And said, 'Here - try these on'.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
' Hmmm,' said Mike.. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here - you try on mine.'
He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
A man goes out fishing by himself out in puget sound and never returns. his wife files a missing person report with the local authorities. several weeks later a sherriff knoks on her door and she answers. the officer tells her he has some good news and some bad news. she asks for the bad news first. the officer says that they have found her husbands body at the bottom of the sound in about 60 feet of water and that they had recovered the body but that it was covered with shrimp and crabs and that it was in bad shape. the wife then asked for the good news. the officer replied, we are pulling him up again tomorrow and that she is invited to the seafood feast.
Just saw these two and thought you might enjoy . . .
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis..."
====================================
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.' The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.' She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
T he next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP..
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP..
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, ... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,....'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. .. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
A nun got on a bus and sits behind the driver. She tells the bus driver she needs someone to talk to, lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies.
The bus driver agrees, but the nun explains she can't have sex with anyone who is married, because it would be a sin. The bus driver says "No Problem... I'm not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin. So she'll have to take it up the a$$.
The bus driver agrees again and being the only people on the bus. They go to the back of the bus, and takes care of business.
When they were done and he resumed driving. The bus driver said "Sister. I have a confession to make.
I'm married and have three kids."
The nun replies, " That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is John and I'm on my way to a costume party."
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life".
Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop.
Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.
The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead, but it was old. You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy.
Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy ..
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'
What on earth did you say to them?' asks Nancy .
I just knocked on the door and, when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.
HOW TO SING THE BLUES ... by Stretch Melon Clinton
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St.Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places: a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived. d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care
Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.................
1. Talk about skylera huge breast! 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. It's Cool Whip time! 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 5. That's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that! 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits..
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
Three priests were going to take a flight to Pittsburg. Two of them were very young and one was older. When it was time to purchase tickets the only counter available had an attractive female attendant who happened to be topless. The older priest instructed one of the younger ones to buy the tickets. He told the yooung one to buy three tickets to Pittsburg and ask for the change in nickels and dimes. When he approached the desk the first young one stammered, "can I buy two tickets to Tittsburg", he became embarressed and went back to the others without buying the tickets. The next young priest said " let me buy the tickets", and off he went. When he got to the counter he said "I need three tickets to Pittsburg and I want my change in nipples and dimes". He was so shook up he couldn't finish the transaction. The older priest went up to the counter to show the younger ones how it was done. When he ordered the tickets he said "I need to buy three tickets to Pittsburg and I want my change in nickels and dimes". He added "young lady dressing the way you are is wrong and when you get to the Pearley gates Saint Finger will be shaking his peter at you!"
What's the difference between a golf ball and an escalade?
Tiger can drivea golf ball 300 yards...
The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him.
She replied "I don't know 4 or 5 times, I think. Put me down for a bogey".
Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are said to be named "Elin Woods…clubs you can beat Tiger with...
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
WAIT FOR IT....
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says: "Yes ... How did you figure that out?" "Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they have sex.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
Your Duck is Dead-- A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it is now $150."
President Barack Obama was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate. Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.” At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of sh!t it can no longer fly.
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!" Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have [censored] in it!" The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!" The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we can not increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change.......I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes homedrunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.
Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes homedrunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!" Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
For the snow bound and those who like laughter. Long but funny.
THIS IS TO PREPARE US FOR THE BIG STORM AHEAD AND ALL THOSE IN THE FUTURE. IF THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU LAUGH THEN YOU DIDN'T READ IT.
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my behind on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I really hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the darn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The darn snow plough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he is lying.
December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snow plough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the jerk who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darn snowplough.
December 25 Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the darn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snow plough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars for the beating I gave him. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir.
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions.”
The husband turned to his wife and said, Honey, that's a bunch of crap... I bet you cant tell me anything that will make me both happy and sad at the same time.
She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis.”
How depressed was he? He was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, government, health care, real estate prices, the stock market, the federal deficit, Iraq, Afghanistan, global warming, his savings, Social Security, and credit card debt...that he called the Suicide Hot line...He got a call center in Pakistan ..told them he was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if he could drive a truck...
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”.
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, Can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't Even know the way to the Post Office."
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
It must be funnier if you're a Republican. Which I'm not. And I'm not impressed. I mean, as humor goes, you've captured the essence of meaninglessness. I suppose you think that makes me a Democrat. Or I just lack a sense of humor. But look how stupid your joke is laid out. American and Republican are singular. Had Democrat been singular, you'd have been left with "crat" as the last 4 letters, which really reveals how meaningless your joke is. So Democrat is exhibited in plural form to make a point so stupid, I think it's way beneath you, cuz you seem like a decent and reasonably intelligent person, for a conservative.
Yeah, that's better. But in usual tendency to overthink some things, I'd always thought WTF meant "what the f___", but now I got to thinking it means "when to f___."
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The hillbilly said to the doctor,
'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
(You'll love this.)
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , parts of Georgia , and West Virginia ..
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?' 'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.' 'Pension sex?' 'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.' 'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife During a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting You a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found Her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony Of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... He could also fly.'
Three gay couples are vacationing down south...a tragic accident kills one partner from each couple.
In mourning at the funeral home, each partner talks among the group what they will do with thier lovers remains...
Partner #1 says "oh my man, he just loved to fly, I am going to have his remains cremated and I will spread them from an airplane so my lover can fly on forever.
Partner #2 says "we just loved to sail around on our boat, I am going to have my man cremated and spread his ashes in the seas.
Partner #3 "well my man was all man, and I miss him. I am going to spend all weekend cooking a special pot of chilli. I am going to slow cook his ashes into the chilli than eat the whole thing.
The others looked stunned, and asked why would do something like this?
"My man is going to tear up my ass one more time!"
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East .. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
A professor at Bonghit University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, KK raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
KK replied with a nod and a grin and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So KK, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
KK replied, "Sh!t, from way back there I thought you said GOATS."
Best joke of the year right there.............................
KK and Todd are on a Montana fishin trip. One afternoon they decide to hike quite aways across a field to fish a bend in the river. When they come across a fence line they spot a sheep with it's head caught in the wire. Todd being the horny guy that he is quickly strips off his waders and really gives the sheep a good humping, KK watching in amusement. Todd finishes up and as he turns away from the sheep he asks KK if he wanted to give it a try. As KK quickly drops his waders he answers I sure would but I might have some trouble keeping my head stuck in the fence.
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it's never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favorite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.)
I think we should try to do more for our lovely wives!! Enjoy, Ozzy
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his..
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found :
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and egs hurt, I no come wok. ' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say white round-eye bossman……..me feel great!!!/ I be at wok soon ......... oh yes, one more ting….boss man, you got LEALLY nice house!!! '
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely....they think he should actually be able to engage in his favorite activities that require a healthy, flexible scrotum!!"
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife AGAIN......... the word is STERNUM!!!."
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59. So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers", he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share?"
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings). Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
The boat wouldn't start today and I can't figure out why, but at least I got laid.
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree butt naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
"This just ain't gonna be your day.........cupcake...."
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
A little old lady dragged two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One was ripped by now, and once in a while a $20 bill fell out on the sidewalk.
A cop came up: "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh really? Darn it!" she said. "Thanks for telling me, I'd better go look for them."
Not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It really ticks me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
So now on game days I stand behind the fence by the hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers ready. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!" " Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
This is pretty amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark ". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list until you have done the math.
Try this test and find out what movie is your FAVORITE movie! This amazing test can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
IT WILL TEACH YOU A LOT ABOUT THE TYPE OF ENTERTAINMENT YOU REALLY ENJOY!!!
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find the movie you are most likely to enjoy from the list of 18 movies below.
Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth honey, and show him.
Re: The golfer at the dentist... - 09/23/1010:10 AM
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.....with his junk flopping around for all to see.
His buxom sexy assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
The 60 year old boss always fancied himself quite the stud.
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you happen to glance at my big awesome Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was a crusty, beat-up old mini van with two flat tires..
Re: The golfer at the dentist... - 10/08/1008:26 PM
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all....
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a triple whiskey, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher pursed his judgmental lips up like he was sucking on a lemon and replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let DEMON ALCOHOL touch my lips!!!"
The cowboy picked up his three little bottles of whisky and handed them all back to the attendant, saying "Me too ma'am, DAMMIT! I didn't know we had a choice!!!!"
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home. I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.
I asked her, “Does your father feed you like that when you eat at home?”
“No,” she replied. “but my father’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”
A guy gets in a bad car wreck and wakes up in hell. He is scared but the devil assures him its not so bad down here. Devil says, you like to drink? Guy says ya. Devil says great all mondays we drink all day. Devil says you like to do drugs, guy responds ya. Devil says great we do drugs all day on tuesdays. Devil asks you like to gamble? Guy says hell ya. Devil says we gamble all day on wednesdays. Devil says are you a homosexual, guy says hell no. Devil says well you are not gonna like thursdays then.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing: FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning woman. "Hi there little girl, I'm Sarah Palin, What do you have in the basket?" she asked. "Kittens," little Suzy said. "How old are they?" asked Palin. Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Republicans," answered Suzy with a smile.
Palin was delighted. As soon as she returned to her car, she called her PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, they agreed that Palin should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens. So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN & FOX. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Palin got out of her limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," she said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes ma'am," Suzy said. "They're Democrats."
Taken by surprise, Palin stammered, "But -- but yesterday, you told me they were REPUBLICANS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm.....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply..
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh!t my pants!!!!!.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You will probably think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase....The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the Kid on the bike.
The Minnesota Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading into Minneapolis. For the first offense, they give you 2 Vikings tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Minnesota Vikings
Q. What do the Vikings and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q. How do you keep a Minnesota Viking out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A. An Imposter.
Q. What's the difference between the Minnesota Viking and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Minnesota Vikings does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody Knows
Q. What do the Vikings and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold..'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied...... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
+++++++++++++
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'early this morning I got a phone call saying that My mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'why don't you go home for the Day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here..'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Subject: Tricks I like with words (and ideologies)
Did you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?
And that "eat" is the only word that, if you take the first letter and move it to the last, spells its own past tense, "ate"?
And if you rearrange the letters in "Tea Party Republicans," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Shut the [censored] up you free-loading, progress-blocking, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, violent hypocrites, and deal with the fact that you nearly wrecked the country under Bush and that our president is black, so get over it."
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
HELL EXPLAINED (BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT) The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by this student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well: Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when It expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, Which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, It will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... Leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
Saw the Doctor today- She said "How do you feel" "Good" I said Hmmm, you don't look so good. Looks bad, feels good. Let me look that up...Looks bad, feels bad, no thats not it...looks good ,feels good no no. Oh hear it is, Looks Bad, feels good ....
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.".
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the '1/4 - ouncer'.
Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car
and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail
before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk,
where I find the can of Pepsi
I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm.
I decide to put it in the refrigerator
to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye.
They need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back
on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote; someone had left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight
when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember
that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den
where it belongs.
But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers. Quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check
in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what
I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out
why nothing got done, I'm really baffled because I know
I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman , Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights..
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East ....
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.'
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'
The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .
'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, But I do believe it's a-comin'.'
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here? "I'm a humper", said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away.
"The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped."
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
A Russian and Ole, the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could. "So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!" "Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
Bill Russell, of the Boston, Celtics, commented to a ref as passed "gee, I'm sorry" or "that's too bad". Did this all game. Late in the game, the ref asked hime why he was saying that. Bill's reply was "I'm sorry your folks never married".
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.' He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. 'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.' With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
Today's word is................. Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was Trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the Teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I Only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
Two guys one old one young Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart When they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, And I guess I wasn't paying attention To where I was going. The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too...' I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate' The old guy says, 'Well, Maybe I can help you find her.. What does she look like?' ' The young guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, With red hair, Blue eyes, buxom, Long legs, And is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?' To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours.' *******************
Paddy O'leary goes to confession and tells the priest "I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month".
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..
I bought the wife a Toshiba laptop for Christmas It connects via our home wireless network She asked if it would work in the car I said no, you won't be able to connect to the internet in the car She said, what do you mean ? It says Satellite on it !
Incredible Dear Abby Letter, From Hyattsville, MD Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Hyattsville, MD, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Washington and one of my sisters, who lives in Rockville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Bladensburg. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Jessup for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Alexandria and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Duke fan???
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
The ignorant Redneck went to the hospital As his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, Nurse Natalia says "Congratulations, Your wife has had quints, 5 big baby boys." The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a GOTdamn brick chimney." Nurse Natalia replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, The babies are all black."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, " Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep......and the other time..... I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
A golfer is doing very poorly on the links and in frustration says to his caddy, "you must be the worst caddy in all of Scotland!". the caddy replies, "ach, man, that would be too much of a coincidence".
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, “I’m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“[censored]!” said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Vince?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee and A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
> > A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an > airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want > to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a > conversation with your fellow passenger."
> > The little girl, who had just started to read her > book, replied to the total stranger, "What would > you want to talk about?"
> > "Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about > global warming, universal health care, or stimulus > packages?" as he smiled smugly.
> > "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics > but let me ask you a question first.
> > "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow > turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces > clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
> > The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, > thinks about it and says, "Hmmm I have no idea."
> > To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel > qualified to discuss global warming, > universal health care, or the economy, when >you don't know [censored]?" And then she went back to > reading her book.
A unionized public employee, a tea party activist and a CEO are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen cookies in the middle of it. The CEO takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the tea partier and says, "Watch out for that union guy... he wants a piece of your cookie!"
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
‘Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK., the little girl says and then pensively asks, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that evening at home the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. ‘You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds,' the little girl states confidently.
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
A couple, Veronica and Carl, decide to go golfing one weekend to a countryside course far outside of the city. During one of the holes Carl takes a wild swing and the ball smashes a window of a nearby mansion. In a panic they both hurry to investigate.
"Oh, dear. We should see if anyone's home," says Veronica.
"Are you kidding," Carl said in a mildly concerned manner. "This window looks like it costs half a year's salary! Let's just forget it, they probably won't even notice this side anyway."
"It's the size of a garage door... We have to, at least, apologize. Who knows who's mansion this is," cautioned Veronica.
Reluctantly, Carl agreed, and they both walked to the front door. As Carl reached for the door bell, Veronica realized that one of the main doors is open. She pushed the large, beautifully carved wooden door gently and stepped in.
"What are you DOING?!" Carl remarked.
"Taking a look inside," Veronica said with a devilish smile.
"We smashed his window, and now we're breaking into his house?"
"YOU smashed his window!" Veronica exclaimed.
"Oh, I see. So when we find jewelry it's going to be my turn again," Carl said sarcastically.
*Dirty look from Veronica.*
As they journeyed through the mansion and enjoyed the spectacle of paintings, furniture and ornaments, they came to a large hall with what appeared to be a handsome, well-dressed man sitting in an ancient-looking chair fit for a king.
"Welcome to my abode," he said in calm manner that almost demanded respect and attention.
"Oh my gosh, we are so sorry for the window," Veronica said obsequiously.
"It will cost you..." the man said in a stern manner.
"I guess, we can forget all about that Vegas trip, honey," said Carl, tilting his head up in a heavy sigh, as he bemoaned his current predicament.
"...However, I am not unreasonable," the man said, as he stood up from his chair, towering over the husband and wife.
The couple, eager to listen to the alternative, were shocked when the man revealed himself.
"I am, what some would call, a genie. This mansion, you see, is my prison. Although it feels strange to think of this place as a prison, I have come to accept it as my home. You are my first visitors in over 4000 years, and.. well.. even genies can get lonely." He looks over yearningly at the wife, as he finishes his revelation.
"Oh, no. Not gonna happen, pal," Carl says shaking his head. After a sudden Eureka moment, he looks up and asks, "if I agree to this, do I get my three wishes?"
"You shall," says the genie.
Veronica at this point, scared, confused, and even excited all at once, "what if I don't agree?"
"Then you and your husband forgo your Vegas trip to pay for the repairmen," reminded the genie.
"Goddamn it. Just.... Get it over it," said Carl in exasperation.
The genie holds Veronica's hand and leads her upstairs. He stops and turns to Carl, "you can use the chair, if you like."
"So what, I can FEEL like a king while you plough my wife? Ass hole," Carl thinks to himself as he gives a fake smile and nod.
After a good hour of pleasure for the genie, and undoubtedly Veronica, he turns to her and asks, "how old is your husband?"
"Thirty six. Why?"
"Wow. And he still believes in genies? I'm the personal assistant, by the way. My boss is away on vacation to Vegas. Now, feel free to change and get out of here, before I let the dogs loose."
Two WSU cougars decided to do a little ice fishing on a chilly winter morning...
Loaded with gear, they headed to the nearest ice and began drilling a hole to start fishing....
Soon after they arrived, they heard a loud, billowing voice..." There are no fish in that hole!!!" They decided to fish there anyways, and as time passed, they weren't catching anything...
The two men moved locations, brought the auger out, dug another hole, and began fishing. Again, they heard the same voice.. "THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE." Skunked again, the two cougars were wondering where the prophetic voice was coming from and why it was always true?
They set up a new hole, dropped there lines, started fishing, and they heard the same thing..... "THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE." and again, they weren't getting any fish
The two cougs thought amongst each other, and could only come up with one option for who was speaking to them.
"God, is that you?" one of them asked.
and over the intercom came the same voice.... "NO, ITS ERNIE, THE ICE SKATING RINK MANAGER!"
A bear walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer.
The bartender replied, "No beer for bears in the bar!"
The bear was confused and he repeated his request.
The bartender replied, "No beer for bears in the bar!"
At this point the bear is pissed. The bear growls, "Look buddy, give me a beer or I am going to walk to the end of the bar and eat that lady over there".
The bartender, once again replies, "No beer for bears in the bar!"
So... The bear walks to the end of the bar and eats the lady.
The bear says, "Bartender, see what you made me do? Can I please have a beer now?"
The bartender replies, "No beer for bears on drugs in the bar!"
The bear is now thoroughly confused. "I am NOT on drugs!" the bear says.
The bartender replies, "That was a bar-bitch-you-ate"...
Went to the bank the other day and my Proctologist was in line in front of me. He was cashing a check so he reached into his pocket for his pen but pulled out a thermometer instead and exclaimed "GDIT some asshole's got my pen"
When we get older we think differently don't we. This is a touching story. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio forwards the following letter:
The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Agnes Baker
Happy and Sad A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
A 65 year old man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained
consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge
pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be o.k., you'll walk again and
everything. However, your main "male part" was severed in the accident
and we couldn't find it".
The man groans.
The doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming
and we now have the technology to build a new "male part" for you. They
work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".
The man perks up.
"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. Her koochie may not be able to handle the extra size, even though YOU would feel like a porn star carrying that big stick. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed BUT you’d pocket the extra $4 grand!!. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with
A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriff's Dept. was being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a S & W .45 ACP pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.
"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream..
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH(Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic..
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f..... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR(Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business..
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride.
"Wow...what a worthy goal." I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride.
"Wow...what a worthy goal." I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride.
"Wow...what a worthy goal." I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
This needs to be moved, it's not a joke !
Maybe, but your response is funny enough to leave it here.
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count…..
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , parts of Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia , Oregon, Florida and All of Washington DC .
In a recent survey, 1,000 married men were asked why they enjoy blow jobs. Two pecent said they like the warm, moist sensation, three percent said it makes for the best foreplay and 95 percent said they simply like the peace and quiet.
Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that. Sincerely, Logic
Dear America , You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada
Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying... Sincerely, Google
Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985
Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead. Sincerely, BP Petroleum
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids, Please make one for every skin color. Sincerely, Black people
Dear Scissors, I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin
Dear Customers, Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
Dear World, Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish dirt-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy, ok? Sincerely, The Mayans
Dear White People, Don't you just hate immigrants? Sincerely, Native Americans
Dear iPhone, Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely, Every iPhone User
Dear Trash, At least you get picked up... Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant
Dear Muslims Why don't you all commit suicide and make everybody happy Sincerely, Your mothers
On that note.. ... .. A man joins the foreign legion and they station him out on a tiny fortress in the middle of the desert, a long way from the nearest human settlement.
A few months go by and he starts to feel horny. He asks his commander what the men do when they start to get lonely. The commander hesitantly replies,
"Well, I guess you've been here long enough, so I'll tell you." He takes the guy out behind the fort and shows him an old camel, "Her name's Lucy. Just take her out whenever you feel lonely, but don't ride her too hard, she's not as young as she used to be!"
The man is appalled, "No way!! That's disgusting!" The commander shrugs and walks off.
A few more months pass and a few more after that. Finally the guy is so horny he just caves in. "Fine! I give up! I'll do it!!"
He takes old Lucy out behind a sand dune, unfurls his pants and goes at it.
After he's done, he walks Lucy back to the fort. He's ashamed, but nolonger horny. The commander looks over to him, "Back so soon?"
The man replies, "Well, I was gone half an hour... how long does it take YOU?"
The commander scratches his chin, "Oh, I'd say it takes me at least 2 days to get into town."
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is And how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
Jesus walks into a bed and breakfast and goes up to the front desk and lays three nails on the counter and says do you have anywhere to put me up for the night?
I fired a guy once for a similar stunt..Ohh I'm so sick I can't make it in today so I spent all day finishing up his work and as I'm driving home we meet at an intersection. He's trying to slide down in his seat with a new boat behind his truck..
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called La Residenza."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, also, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and, if we'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Please tell me, my child…Who fvcked up your hair?"
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over tothe counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Biker : "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Biker : "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Biker : "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Biker : "You better believe it."
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good,'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Biker : "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Ah, the joke thread . . . this reminds me that while we were in Belize, when people learned we had been fishing they couldn't wait to ask us if we had heard about the one-armed fisherman down in Placencia. It seems he caught a fish . . . this long. haha
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Rochester, MN. I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the California nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating...not to mention attractive.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, a very gorgeous nurse came in and began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."
I have a freind who has gavity, the propensity to attract gay men. He had a physical at 19 for a new job and was telling us about how the doctor started to lisp when he gave him his prostate exam. "Juth relaxth....." I don't think it helped much when we took a vote and no one else under 40 had every had a prostate exam.
Penn State: the only University where you can major in minors!
Jerry Sandusky walks into an elementary school just as classes are let out for the day, when a teacher approaches him & asks, "so which child is yours?"
Sandusky replies: "I don't care, surprise me."
You may hate Jerry Sandusky, but at least he drove slowly through school zones.
On a scale of 1-10, how old is Jerry Sandusky's boyfriend?
Q: What was Jerry Sandusky's defensive philosophy at Penn State?
A: Get penetration and always cover the Tight End.
Q: If an older woman chasing a younger guy is called a cougar, what do you call an older guy chasing a young boy?
A A Nittany Lion…
What do Jerry Sandusky and Carnation Evaporated Milk have in common? A: They're both white and come in little cans...
Did you know that B.Y.U. was Jerry's first choice before Penn State. He thought it was "Bring 'em Young".
I hear Sandusky had to stop going to church. The priests kept fighting over who got to hear his confession.
Sandusky claims he's really young at heart. He says sometimes he feels like a 60 yr old stuck in a 10 yr old's body.
BREAKING NEWS:
Jerry Sandusky has attempted suicide by jumping into the sea...
The Coastguard found him bobbing up and down on a small buoy!
And saving the best for last: Sandusky is set to remake two Schwarzenegger films into one...
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are:
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR AN EXTREMELY HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend after they had just finished having great sex. For the next hour she continuously rubbed his testicles, something she said that she'd always enjoyed doing.
As he lay there enjoying the feeling of her touch, he turned to her and asked, "why do you enjoy doing that so much?".
Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . .. . still happy . . . with Obama?"
Ole, a furniture dealer from Minneapolis, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
* Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary"
* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening"
Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case…………
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide .
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children .
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you . . .
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal . 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot . You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family . What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! What is a Kimber 1911 cal . 45 ACP? Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day . Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior . I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus . This is all so confusing!
As part of my Kidney Transplant, there was a catheter placed from the new kidney into my bladder. Yesterday was removal day. What they do is go up the pipe, grab the thing and gently YANK IT OUT!
I had a male nurse preping me for the procedure. As he starts to do his job, cleaning with the iodine and such, he says "it's not uncommon to get an erection while I'm doing this" I told him I didn't and wasn't going to. He said "I was talking about me."
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.
"Twenty Euros,” she whispers."
Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty Euros.
He takes up her offer and they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes, when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer..! "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to me wife," the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know!"
"Well, neither did I," said Paddy, "til ya shined dat feckin light in her face!!!”
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started ...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And that's when fight started....
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. And then the fight started ....
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started.... Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible. "My loving wife of 45 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started.....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too.' And then the fight started.....
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started....
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.
An old Jewish man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "It WORKED! They’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
A professor at the University of Washington was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
Paddy was in New York ..
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening of drinking. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
"Mary... Mary...."
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. "
THE MORE YOU READ THE FUNNIER IT GETS......COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY. THIS COULD PROBABLY HAPPEN TO ANY OF US AT ANYTIME.
$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change When the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, And there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, Like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, Relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, Only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, And strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, And then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, And suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).
Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said,"Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?" Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty." The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who the FVCK told you they'd be women?"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber "that was the cleanest shave I've had in years, but what would have happened if I'd accidentally swallowed that little ball?"
The barber replied- "No worries hombre, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner. DAD: Son, where were you today during school? SON: At school *robot slaps son* SON: Ok, I went to the movies. DAD: Which one? SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again* SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star. DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad* MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*
> The Blonde and the Lord > > > > A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. > > > She'd seen and read many books on the subject, > > > and finally getting all the necessary tools together, > > > she made for the ice. > > > After positioning her comfy footstool, > > > she started to make a circular cut in the ice. > > > Suddenly, > from the sky, a voice boomed, > > > > "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." > > > Startled, the blonde moved further > down the ice, > > > poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. > > > Once again, from > the heavens the voice bellowed, > > > "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." > > > The blonde, > now worried, moved away, > > > clear down > to the opposite end of the ice. > > > She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. > > > The voice came once more, > > > > "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." > > > > She stopped, looked skyward, and said, > > > > "IS THAT YOU, LORD?" > > > > > The voice replied, > > > > > "NO, MAAM, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"
IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted 10 dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" No, I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless man replied. Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food? I asked. No, I don't waste time fishing, the homeless man said... I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive. Will you spend this on hunting equipment. I asked. Are you NUTS! replied the homeless man. I haven't gone hunting in twenty years! Well, I said, I'm not going to give you money. instead I am going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife. The homeless man was astounded. Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town.”
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
"No, he went with Mom and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
When the young boy says. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”
Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, No, "I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.
The boy thought for a moment...then says "you'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $50 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
On a scale of 1-10, how old is Jerry Sandusky’s boyfriend?
Jerry Sandusky claims he’s really young at heart. He says sometimes he feels like a 60 yr old stuck in a 10 yr old’s body.
Question: What did Jerry Sandusky want for his birthday?
Answer: A new shower curtain
Q: What do Jerry Sandusky and Carnation Evaporated Milk have in common?
A: They’re both white and come in little cans…
I hear Sandusky had to stop going to church. The priests kept fighting over who got to hear his confession.
You know it’s bedtime at Jerry Sandusky’s house when the big hand is on the little hand…
Jerry Sandusky was spotted at Wal-Mart today. Apparently he was confused by a sign that said “Boys’ pants half-off.”
One night Jerry Sandusky & Tim Curley were watching “Pirates of the Caribbean” together, when Jerry asks, “Would you bone Keira Knightley?”
Curley replied, “She’s got a skinny ass and no tits…it’d be like shagging a school boy.”
Jerry replies, “Yeah, so would I.”
You may hate Jerry Sandusky, but at least he drove slowly through school zones.
Jerry Sandusky walks into an elementary school just as classes are let out for the day, when a teacher approaches him & asks, “so which child is yours?”
LAKEWOOD, Wash. -- A toothless Lakewood man gave his roommate's arm a serious gumming after she refused to clean his ear, according to charges filed in Pierce County Superior Court.
According to the charging documents, 52-year-old Kenneth Chambers got upset with his female roommate at the Rancho Villa mobile-home park in Lakewood on Sunday over after her refusal to clean his ear and broke the door to her room off its hinges.
The victim reportedly sat on Chambers' lap and tried to talk to him, but he pushed her to the floor and bit her wrist. The victim later told Lakewood Police Department officers Chambers didn't have his teeth in but still bit down hard enough to hurt her.
According to the charging documents, Chambers choked the victim before pouring water all over her, damaging her hearing aid.
When the victim said she was calling 911, Chambers threatened to kill her, according to the charging documents.
A witness confirmed the victim's story, and Chambers was arrested.
Chambers reportedly told officers the victim hit him, and he was only trying to defend himself. According to the charging documents, he admitted to biting the victim, but said he didn't hurt her because he doesn't have any teeth.
Chambers has been charged with assault and malicious mischief.
Cinderella is going to the Big Ball. Evil Stepmother says you better be back by midnight or there will be big trouble. To be sure she is home on time and unbeknownst to Cinderella ES plants a cursed pumpkin seed in her snatch.
Cinderella gets home around 2 and the ES goes berserk. Thinking her curse had failed she demands to know who Cinderella was with. She answers -
A hillbilly brings home a skunk. His wife asks where he is going to keep it. He says under the bed. She says what about the smell. He says I think he will get used to it.
No Dr. Todd it's Howard Johnson. I am calling to inquire about the test results for my wife after her last visit.
Oh yes Mr. Johnson. I have them right here in front of me. It looks like your wife is either suffering from Aids or Alzheimers.
Oh my god Dr. Todd. That is terrible news. What should we do and how can we find out for sure ?
OK Mr Johnson, there is one simple way to find out. Take your wife out for a long drive. On the way back, drop her off a couple of miles from your house. If she finds here way home ... Don't fukk her.
This guy's wife goes into a coma and the doctor says to him, " I have a treatment in mind that's a little unconventional. You must go in there and have oral sex with her" . The guy says "Oh man ,doc are you sure??" The doctor says "Yes I have seen it work" and the guy says "Well ok I'll try it". 5 minutes later he comes out and says " Doc,she's chokin..."
These two older ladies (like Hank's age but not quite as old and decrepit) are on a bridge overlooking a river. One of them says " You know Barbara I have always wanted to pee off a bridge like a man." Her friend says " Do it,nobody's around ." So she drops her panties pulls up her skirt and says"Look Barb I'm going to piss in that canoe down there ." Her friend says " That's no canoe,it's your reflection."
Posted by: Anonymous
Re: The Joke Thread - 05/13/1901:50 PM
Hank goes to the dr. He says "doc I'm so old and deaf I can't hear myself fart! " The doc says "take 2 of these every day for a month." Hank,Frank,whatever his fkn name is says "Will it make me hear better?" Doc says "No but it'll make you fart louder."
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.
He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 50 men here on the post & no women. And, Sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the sergeant, "So is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir....they usually just ride the camel into town where the women are."
Posted by: Anonymous
Re: The Joke Thread - 06/09/1910:58 PM
One night two drunks (sol duc and spoonhead)were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So sol cuc says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."
Spoonbread, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"
Cuck says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"
Gay assed Spoonshed says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."
So they buy the hot dog and sol spunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price,spoonhead drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.
The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, spoonhead(get it,head?)says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."
Sol Duck says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"
You know avid. You remind me of myself, back when I was young and stupid.
I think the last smartest thing that came outta your mouth was a penis.
I got one for everybody...What is 6in long, 2in wide and makes every woman happy...... A 100$ Bill.
Avid is retarded and sucks cock?
Posted by: Anonymous
Re: The Joke Thread - 06/10/1910:01 PM
Originally Posted By: Dan S.
Originally Posted By: Spoonfedhead
You know avid. You remind me of myself, back when I was young and stupid.
I think the last smartest thing that came outta your mouth was a penis.
I got one for everybody...What is 6in long, 2in wide and makes every woman happy...... A 100$ Bill.
Avid is retarded and sucks cock?
glad I am not the only one who sees just how fkn stupid spoonhead is. He burns himself on a post by post basis here on the ds. For him we know what ds stands for .
You two cvnts know what I mean. You both can go back to reaching each other around.
Dan: hey vapid can you scratch my back? Vapid: even better, I'll suck you off at the same time. Dan: let me invite the cheer squad and I'll take all your loads.