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#614996 - 08/07/10 12:00 PM Looking for marriage counselors
chasbo Offline

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 822
Loc: oly
For our 35th wedding anniversary my wife announced that she is unhappy and was planning on leaving me. At this point we are considering counseling . (After 35 yrs, we probably know more about what marriage is about than most counselors)

However, every time she comes up with a recommendation it comes from a single or divorced woman.

So are there any of you old salty dogs that have been through this and have had a successful experience?

And don't give that Oprah crap, thanks.

#615045 - 08/07/10 10:10 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: chasbo]
Rivrguy Offline
River Nutrients

Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 3269
Loc: Somewhere on the planet,I hope
Ah shi--. Well your second lines sets off the alarms. So unless you are a drunk, on drugs, abusive ( either verbally or physically ) she is in the " life has passed me by stage " Your choice is either community property and 35 years say you try everything OR you cut your losses and move on. Only you can know the answer BUT from what I went through.............. any doubts at all cut your losses.

As harsh as it sounds it is the way to move forward at times.

Edit here: Just had to do the latter myself recently.

Edited by Rivrguy (08/07/10 10:11 PM)
Dazed and confused.............the fog is closing in

#615054 - 08/07/10 11:10 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: ]
Hankster Offline

Registered: 01/24/07
Posts: 31892
Loc: Town in the North Bay Area
Separate and give her the opportunity to find out what part of her life has "passed her by". She just might come to the realization your marriage is her life and it hasn't passed her by...or not.

As for counselors, if you're able to sit down with your wife and the two of you can openly and honestly discuss the problems you are experiencing, you don't need one.

Then again, if you were able to do that in the first place, this whole scenario wouldn't be occurring.

Don't listen to me though. If I knew what I was talking about I'd probably still be married... grin
“Every great cause begins as a movement, becomes a business, and eventually degenerates into a racket.”
-Eric Hoffer

Modern journalism is all about deciding which facts the public shouldn't know because they might reflect badly on Democrats

#615068 - 08/08/10 12:48 AM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: ]
Dan S. Offline
It all boils down to this - I'm right, everyone else is wrong, and anyone who disputes this is clearly a dumbfuck.

Registered: 03/07/99
Posts: 15227
Loc: SE Olympia, WA
Sorry to hear that.

Did you see this coming at all?

I'd give you my opinion, but it wouldn't mean squat. So instead, I'll just wish you luck coming to a happy outcome for both of you.
She was standin' alone over by the juke box, like she'd something to sell.
I said "baby, what's the goin' price?" She told me to go to hell.

Bon Scott - Shot Down in Flames

#615076 - 08/08/10 01:42 AM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: ]
Barbarosa Offline
Juvenile at Sea

Registered: 11/17/07
Posts: 109
Loc: The Sagebrush
35 years? Shoot that squawkin old woman!!!
"You ain't got enough ass in your britches to pull the trigger on Barbarosa!"

#615086 - 08/08/10 10:47 AM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: Barbarosa]
chasbo Offline

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 822
Loc: oly
OK It's not a "life has passed her by" deal. It's an "I have spent my life raising the children and taking care of you, and now I need to take care of myself", deal.

I always figured that was what Thursday's on PP was for.

And we must not forget that I am an ASS HOLE.

#615095 - 08/08/10 11:48 AM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: chasbo]
laterun Offline
Repeat Spawner

Registered: 10/09/04
Posts: 1027
Loc: Napavine,Washington
chasbo, 1st we have to agree that all us men are a-holes. We get that way by busting our a@@ trying to make a living day in and day out. We do our best which in most cases at times is never enough. To have the nice things requires work and at times long hours. Then it becomes "you never take me anywhere" or something like that.
The worst thing for a marriage is for her to hang out or have any contact with some bitter,divorced bitch who has by mostly her own doing become a man hater.
Tell her there is a real good reason her "friend" is divorced. Some poor schmuck finally got tired of putting up with her whining.
If we took a head count of the guys who ended up better off than the woman after this settles out, it would be overwellmingly in the guys favor.
Good luck and I hope all works out for you.

#615102 - 08/08/10 12:40 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: chasbo]
goharley Offline
River Nutrients

Registered: 03/27/02
Posts: 3276
Loc: U.S. Army
Originally Posted By: chasbo
"I have spent my life raising the children and taking care of you, and now I need to take care of myself"...
Sounds like she feels the family-workload hasn't been divided equitably. Offer to reverse roles and "take care of her" for the rest of her life.
Tent makers for Christie, 2016.

#615107 - 08/08/10 01:26 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: ]
chasbo Offline

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 822
Loc: oly
"if they build up resentment, it's not going to end well."

She is remembering the bad times in great detail and reaching back 36yrs. I had no idea this resentment ran SO deep. She didn't work during the early years of raising the children. And since has worked part time as well as her glass etching, (which she loves)

And Aunty, I wonder where you got that my attitude of seems "cold and distant" from two posts?

#615130 - 08/08/10 03:32 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: ]
chasbo Offline

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 822
Loc: oly
"Chasbo, you seem less than willing to share your feelings here as far as what YOU want and need. "

I was just asking if anybody could recommend a good marriage counselor. And as it turns out here on PP, it has been a very informing discussion.

Thanks Bob for a site where we can cure eggs, smoke fish, cut bait, sell guns, and counsel families.

And Aunty need a job and motivation.

#615142 - 08/08/10 04:54 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: ]
chasbo Offline

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 822
Loc: oly
Not about you Marsha, You asked me what I want and need.

#615169 - 08/08/10 07:59 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: chasbo]
Dogfish Offline
Poodle Smolt

Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 10978
Loc: McCleary, WA
Sorry about that, Chasbo.

All my wife and I try to do is have a date night every other week, and make sure we talk to each other every day for at least 20 minutes without the kids around us. Surely we are not perfect, but this has worked for us.
"Give me the anger, fish! Give me the anger!"

They call me POODLE SMOLT!

The Discover Pass is brought to you by your friends at the CCA.

#615180 - 08/08/10 09:41 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: Dogfish]
Satan Offline
I love me

Registered: 08/22/06
Posts: 1881
Loc: Around the way
Do yourself a favor,get rid of that broad and go get some fishing time in.

See that's what happens when you seek marriage counciling advice on the dark side of a fishing website. Go see a professional. Sounds to me like your wife is an ungrateful uncommunicative bitch. but then again I just use women for sex so what good am I ,hence the first sentence of this paragraph.

I mean seriously,PP for marriage counciling? rofl

Aunty M if I had to look over at that lop sided mattress at you every morning I would shoot myself hahahaha

#615181 - 08/08/10 09:42 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: ]
Satan Offline
I love me

Registered: 08/22/06
Posts: 1881
Loc: Around the way
Originally Posted By: AuntyM
I'm a good listener in real life.

But this here is the internets

#615280 - 08/09/10 01:44 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: ]
Rocket Red Offline
River Nutrients

Registered: 02/14/06
Posts: 2540
Loc: Elma
Sorry to hear about your luck.

I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. It sounds like you are going to have to do some hard emotional work to get through this. I would say you should dig in and start doing that hard work ASAP. The resolution will shake out eventually, and it will be the right one.
WDFW - Turning outdoorsmen into golfers since 1994.

#615456 - 08/10/10 02:29 AM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: ]
Satan Offline
I love me

Registered: 08/22/06
Posts: 1881
Loc: Around the way
Originally Posted By: AuntyM
If Chasbo wanted to get rid of her and thinks of her in the manner that Avid posted, he most likely wouldn't have started the thread. After 35 years, he may actually care about his wife. The fact that she stayed this long means he has some redeeming qualities too.

Either that or he's pu$$y whipped....

Originally Posted By: AuntyM
This is no brainer. Give up Chasbo and have to endure encounters with men like Avid? That'd be stupid IMO. Like I stated earlier... the grass is not greener... It's dead and spray painted green and Avid proves it.

You kill me. There's oly one thing that's dead and green and your husband hasn't touched that in years. If Chasbo really wanted to save his marriage he would go somewhere othetr than an internet fishing site to seek enlightenment. But he posted it here and it's fair game. Just like when i posted that thread about my folks and their home troubles. I knew what I was opening my self up to. Trouble is with you Aunty M,you are like a big fat brook trout who just has to eat the bait.

Edited by avid angler (08/10/10 02:29 AM)

#615470 - 08/10/10 09:15 AM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: ]
chasbo Offline

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 822
Loc: oly
wow! bring back The King and free Bigstick

#615533 - 08/10/10 02:30 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: chasbo]
DBAppraiser Offline
Repeat Spawner

Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 1141
Loc: MA13
As one who has utilized a marriage counselor in the past, a good one can help quite a bit. My wife and I have on a couple occasions met with a counselor to work through some issues and these meetings were largely successful. However, the key to counseling working is that BOTH parties have to be willing to really try and save the relationship. This includes both parties taking a really, really hard look at themselves and being willing to constantly work to improve or modify their behaviors as well as how they respond to their partner. BUT, counseling is no silver bullet. Don't expect a counselor to give you the secrets to marriage because they don't have it. 35 years is a lot of time and memories to just cast away and it is worth saving but both parties have to be willing to save it. The benefit to counseling is that a good counselor can get both of you to communicate with each other without the discussion ending up in another argument that just creates further bad feelings and resentment.

The counselor we have visited with is located in Lakewood, WA. I don't know your location so this may not be close enough to you. His name is Phil Butterfield and the number is (253) 651-7785. Good luck to you and your wife.

#615614 - 08/10/10 07:40 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: Dogfish]
stam Offline
Model Citizen, Zero Discipline!

Registered: 11/03/04
Posts: 12426
Loc: wherever I want to be...
Dan pretty well can always be trusted to say it best.

The rest of us can fight for second place.... been divorced for a long time myself and it was the best move ever for me and all concerned, putting effort into a sinking ship can be a waste of time and energy, if it's beyond the point of no's going down, caught soon enough it's probably worth all the effort you can muster up, only you can know that and even that is hard to *know*, time away is sometimes the best way to gain perspective, and remember, a wife is a relationship and not just a habit.

The other point is that none of this may matter at all if she is done with ya' can be prince [censored] charming himself and if she don't dig ya' no more the ball is out of your court. move on.

Good luck on the counselor, and it appears that we all are wishing you the best.
Go hard, or..... go home

soremouth the works...

#615622 - 08/10/10 08:39 PM Re: Looking for marriage counselors [Re: stam]
Chuck E Offline
Three Time Spawner

Registered: 09/07/05
Posts: 1852
Loc: Kitsap Peninsula
My wife and I have been married for 38 years and have had our times of struggle. My Dad gave me the best advice concerning relationships "Ask yourself- Are you better with her or with out her?".
May not applicable in your situation but it does get it down to a simple answer. Good luck.
"I didn't care what she didn't 'low--I would boogie-woogie anyhow" John Lee Hooker

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