Maybe, but your response is funny enough to leave it here.

You've obviously forgotten that you're retired and I have a job.

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury and cutting
firewood, lifting sacks of feed and bales of hay, she dragged him down
the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed
the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're
not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said ...

"Nope....You are!
I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!!!"

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY


After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count…..


'1'




'2'




'3'




'4'




'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , parts of Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia , Oregon, Florida and All of Washington DC .

A few of the guys were sitting around, drinking a few beers and talking about their favorite sex positions.

One of the guys says, "I think my favorite is the 'Rodeo' position".

"What's that one?", they ask.

He says, "That's where you get her on all fours and start pounding her doggy style. Once she starts getting worked up, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'this is your sister's favorite too'...then you try to hang on for eight seconds."

My personal favorite bear defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in
.22 short! I've found over the years when hiking in bear country I never
leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know the first rule when
hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". For those of you who
may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a
friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is
someone to go get help. I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in
northern Idaho . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she
MAD! We must have been near one of her cubs. Any way if I had not had my
little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. That's right, one shot to my
brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a
brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my safe!

In a recent survey, 1,000 married men were asked why they enjoy blow jobs.
Two pecent said they like the warm, moist sensation, three percent said it makes for the best foreplay and 95 percent said they simply like the peace and quiet.

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was an illegal Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

The Marines found they had too many NCO's and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any NCO who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The NCO got to choose what those two points would be.

The first NCO who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second NCO who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Gunny who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.”

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two NCO's had received. But the old Gunny insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Gunny to ‘drop em’, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Gunny's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The old Gunny calmly replied, “Vietnam.”

Frank was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going in such a hurry at this time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the effects of smoking and the ills of staying out late.

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the North Dakota prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress. (kinda like a Coog uniform)

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.



Moral of the story:

If the U.S.government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

:groan:

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at anyway?"

NOTES FROM THE EDGE

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP Petroleum

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish dirt-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy, ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Muslims
Why don't you all commit suicide and make everybody happy
Sincerely,
Your mothers

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I
should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I
lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have
curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa !!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing
commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct
answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but
I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new
bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they
drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next
thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular
people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross has just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our
garden hose only reaches the driveway.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

" Texas , sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there.

"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Texas .."

"Get outta here!" the boy said. "Who'd she play for?"

HOT new workout video, the Tug Toner!

http://youtu.be/pWng0Equoe0

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,’ I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'I was behind you in McDonald's.'

Herman Cain.

Hah, Hah.

Fish on...

Todd