How much does it cost Hank?

Dinner..a few drinks..the usual. It's not the '60s any more.

Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender!
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . .. . still happy . . . with Obama?"

Good one. And universally appealling. Even the cretins pretend
to comprehend it. Aboob for example.

Norsky Furniture Dealer









Ole, a furniture dealer from Minneapolis, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Condoms do not necessarily provide totally safe sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful.
Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice,
"When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"


So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"


She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most
perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling
them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or
not?'

"Nah," says the little old man..."Costs too much!"

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....

A Canadian Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan .

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:
'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine?"

Ollie responded: 'Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded
my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '


'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin'
down da road.... '


The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question. '


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to
the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow,
Bessie'.


Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down da
road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop
sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one
ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.


By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move.
An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I
knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.


Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he
looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her
right between the eyes.


Den da policeman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
said, 'How are you feelin'?'


'Now wot da fock vud you say'!!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.


"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands around his groin.

At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered a tender and artful massage to his testicles and penis for several long minutes and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken".

I'm saving this one

* Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary"

* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......

What do the movie BrokeBack Mountain and the NFL have in common?
The Cowboys suck.

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson . . . . "And you, Tanya?............................................

" I wanna be Little Johnny's bitch!"

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
nice cold beers.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep
thinking on various topics.
Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more
painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have
come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here
is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be
nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would
like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case…………

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Two women where walking home home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.

Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.

Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"