Bush Losing Core Supporters

WASHINGTON, May 11 - President Bush appears to be
losing support among a key group of voters who had hitherto stood
firmly with the president even as his poll numbers among other
groups fell dramatically.

A new Gallup poll shows that, for the first time, Bush's approval rating has
fallen below 50% among total ****ing morons, and now stands at 44%. This
represents a dramatic drop compared to a poll taken just last December, when
62% of total ****ing moron expressed support for the president and his
policies.

The current poll, conducted by phone with 1,409
total ****ing morons between May 4 and May 8, reveals that only 44% of
those polled believe the president is doing a good job, while 27% believe
he is doing a poor job and 29% don't understand the question.

The December poll, conducted by phone with 1,530total ****ing morons, showed
62% approved of the president, 7% disapproved and 31% didn't understand the
question.

Faltering approval ratings for the president among agroup once thought to be
a reliable source of loyal support gives Republicans one more reason to be
nervous about the upcoming mid-term elections.

"If we can't depend on the support of total ****ing
morons," says Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), "then we've got a big problem.
They're a key factor in our electoral strategy, and an important
part of today's Republican coalition."

"We've taken the total ****ing moron vote for granted," says Rep. Tom
Feeney (R-FL), "and now we're paying for it. We've let the Democrats
control the debate lately, and they've dragged
discourse back into the realm of complex, nuanced issues. So your average
total ****ing moron turns on his TV and sees his Republican Congressman
arguing about Constitutional law or the complexities of state
formation in the Middle East, and he tunes out. He wants to hear
comforting, pandering, flattering bromides and he doesn't want to hear a
logical argument more complex than what you'd find on a Bumper
sticker."

For Feeney, the poll is a dire warning that Republicans can ignore
only at their peril. "This should send a signal that we have to regain
control of the debate if we want the support of our key constituencies in
the coming election and beyond. We need to bring
public discourse back into the realm of stupidity and vacuity. We
should be talking about homosexual illegal immigrants burning flags.

We should be talking about the power of pride. We
should be talking about freedom fries. These are the issues that resonate
with total ****ing morons."

But some total ****ing morons say it's too late.
Bill Snapple of Enid, Oklahoma is a total ****ing moron who voted for Bush
in both 2000 and 2004. But he says he won't be voting for Bush in
2008. "I don't like it that he was going to sell our ports to the Arabs.
If the Arabs ownt he ports then that means they'll let all the Arabs in and
then we'll all be riding camels and wearing towels on our
heads. I don't want my children singing the Star Spangled Banner in
Muslim."

Total ****ing moron Kurt Meyer of Turlock,
California also says his once solid support for Bush has collapsed. "He
invaded Iraq and all those soldiers died, and for what? We destroyed all
their WMDs, but now their new president is making fun of us and
saying he's going to build nuclear bombs and that we can't stop him.
Well, nuclear bombs are even worse than WMDs, so what did we accomplish?"

Laura McDonald, a total ****ing moron from Chandler,
Arizona, says she is disappointed that the president hasn't been a
more forceful advocate of Christian values. "This country was
founded on Christian
values," she says, "but you'd never know it looking
around and seeing all the Mexicans running around. I thought Bush was
going to bring Jesus back into the government. Instead, Christians
are being persecuted worse than ever before in history, because all these
Mexicans come here and tell Christians that we have
to respect their religious beliefs. So now it's illegal for children
to pray in school. Soon it will be illegal for them to speak English."

Not all total ****ing morons have turned their backs
on the president. Jeb Larkin of Topeka, Kansas says he still fully
supports Bush. "He is doing a great job. He is a great president. He is
a real decider. I have a puppy. His tail sticks straight up and you
can see his butthole."

And not all Republican lawmakers are concerned about
the poll. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), for one, does not find it a
cause for anxiety. While he agrees that his party should not take total
****ing morons for granted, they "really don't have anywhere else
to go. They're never going to be able to understand someone like Al
Gore or John Kerry or anybody intelligent and articulate who
wants to talk about substantive issues. Just try having a conversation
with one of them about global warming. They'll say, 'Oh, but Rush
says volcanoes
consume more ozone than humans do.' I mean, they're
morons! Total ****ing morons!"

"They've got nowhere else to go," Alexander
reaffirms with a smile, "and they always vote."