A colleague of mine recently wrote about President Barack Obama’s popularity in Japan. When I read the headline, I thought someone had beat me to this. As a professional observer of all things insane and absurd, I’m both relieved and terrified that I was the first person on this site to find this particular bit of news. That, or I’m just the only writer here whose conscience has eroded to the point where it seems like a good idea to be reporting on these types of things.

That’s right, folks. Japan, the country that just can’t help being a parody of itself, has embraced (literally and figuratively) our President via its love of complicated, unwieldy sex toys.

To be fair, SInclair Products International is an American-based company. That doesn’t stop Japanese consumers from being some of their biggest customers. If this is where the trend leads, I can’t help but follow this disgusting bread crumb trail back to the beginning.

This is not to imply that the Japanese are the only people interested in having sex with crude or just plain creepy approximations of the human form. After all, Japanese producers of expensive polymer girlfriends are forbidden from using the name “Love Doll” because an American company already reserved it. Instead, they throw around the term “Dutch Wife”, presumably because Japanese people are like any other culture and they thrive on broad stereotypes of other societies. That, or I’m just woefully misinformed about marriage laws in the Netherlands.

There’s a broad range of Dutch Wives in Japan. It’s actually a big enough industry that there’s active competition between manufacturers. Some go for economy markets, such as the Kagami Flog Pillow. It’s little more than a 2-D hentai cartoon character painted onto an inflatable raft with a convenient hole in it. Others, like Level-D’s Supreme Loli doll, are designed to be complete fantasies. Ya know, if your fantasy is to have an intimate relationship with a paralyzed school girl who never blinks.

For those who don’t want a whole woman-facsimile or just aren’t ready to make things physical, Japanese industry ensures that dismembered dolls are available for more innocent relationships. Corporation Train has marketed the very successful Girlfriend’s Lap Pillow so even the creepy otaku can show their sensitive sides. It’s not just the guys, either. Corporation Train also produced The Boyfriend Arm Pillow. In fact, that one came out first, proving that the romantic desires of both halves of the Japanese genome are irrefutably surreal.

I’m not exactly here to pass judgment, or at least not a blanket judgment on Japanese culture. After all, The United States one-upped Japan in the bizarre sex toy department with the Fleshlight. Several varieties of human orifice found in the mouth of an oversized flashlight? That’s a pleasure product weird enough to wake Salvidor Dali.

For now, we’re going to have to accept that Japan is going to out-produce America in the worryingly odd adult toys industry. Even when we make something ridiculous like the Obama Blow-Up Doll, a Japanese manufacturer runs with the concept until its disturbingly vivid. Mark my words, in no longer than one year’s time, some enterprising otaku engineer is going to make a fully synthetic Obama love doll that has realistic dimensions and recites inspirational speeches while you screw it. Of course, it will probably also be dressed as a maid or Sailor Moon. Nothing’s perfect.