I'm still working on the vital information for
Hanks' Keys To The Game, so while you're waiting with bated breath for that, I thought I'd take this opportunity to roll out the premiere edition of
Fawks News: Timely News For Fawksfans.
I recently took a quick trip up to Fawksville for a tour of the practice facility because I wanted to get a first hand look at the state-of-the-art digs for myself. I was guided on the tour by my Bay Area Home Boy, Marshy. (That's Marshawn Lynch to those of you who aren't tight with the Beast Mode like myself.)
He showed me around, introduced me to Petey Carroll, and then left for the morning workout. I took the opportunity to ask Petey some probing questions about his coaching philosophy, his getting acclimated to the Seattle area, the culture shock of no longer seeing thong-wearing hotties on the southern CA beaches and a plethora of other topics.
I mentioned to him seeing the Faints game and offered my congrats. I also pointed out to him his annoying habit of chewing gum with his mouth open that I caught on the pre-game show. He told me he was trying "really, really hard to stop that disgusting problem" but it seems he "never learned the social graces while attending Marin J.C. like that Harbaugh guy that went to Michigan on scholarship did".
Not to worry Fawksfans, he's working on it...
My next question was how he was handling the stress of the playoffs and being the HC of the first team with a losing record to make it. He was quick to respond that he had tried many things to deal with the problem and so far, sex with barnyard animals has become his go-to stress reliever. "Works great", he said with a mischievous grin.
I quickly left and waited around the practice field for the "playuhs" to finish up for the day. Pretty soon Marshy and 4-Set (another Bay Area Home Boy) came over and we discussed where we were headed for dinner. In the process of our decision making, I mentioned how some posters on a fishing website were referring to our beloved Bay Area as "Gay Bay" and "Gay Area".
You should have seen the look on Marshy's face! He turned red as a beet and his hair stood on end. He said he was going to be looking at that site and when he finds out who was doing that, the retribution would be swift and merciless. He was undecided whether he would resort to drawing and quartering those individuals or removing certain body parts from them that could, to the casual observer, determine their gender. He was also considering "going all Marcellus Wallace on those dipchits and sending some hard pipe hittin' ni***** to go to work on the homes with some pliars and a blowtorch". Yikes!
While we were in the facility parking lot, we saw an old '63 Rambler American pull in; straining under the load of a livestock trailer. The bleating of goats was heard and the driver of the car, who would only give his identity as "K.K." I think it was, asked us where we could find Petey. We pointed him in the general direction of the training facility office and were on our way to some fine dining in one of Seattle's best restaurants.
Well that's it for the first edition of
Fawks News: Timely News For Fawksfans folks. See ya soon and GO FAWKS!!!
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