‘CODFATHER’ OF NEW BEDFORD INDICTED: According to “Sublegals (Vol. 21, No. 14, 13 May 2016),” a publication of the Institute for Fisheries Resources and the Pacific Coast Federation of Fishermen’s Associations, a Massachusetts fish wholesaler has been indicted this week on 27 criminal counts, including lying to fishery managers about landings, smuggling cash out of the country, and conspiracy. Carlos Rafael owns 30 fishing vessels, 44 fishing permits, and a seafood processing business out of New Bedford. Federal agents allege that Rafael had for years lied to the National Marine Fisheries Service (NMFS) about landings to get around fishing quota restrictions. He then sold the illegal landings to an unnamed buyer in New York, and laundered the proceeds in Portugal. Rafael is said to have falsified reports for over 815,000 pounds of fish since 2012. Prosecutors will be seeking forfeiture of his commercial fishing vessels and permits if he is found guilty of at least one of the counts against him.

In satirical news following this indictment, there has been an unprecedented shake-up in state and federal fishery management agencies, and the investigation into those responsible is continuing. Citing the recent moral and legal opinions that when these types of violations occur, “any governmental body with both authority and responsibility to enforce its own laws and turns a blind eye to violations/violators is responsible” (Contributor Larry B., Piscatorial Pursuits Northwest Fishing Board, “Who is doing the real time count of tribal catch”). This opinion goes on to state that it would be impossible for large scale poaching like this to occur without officials “(1) being aware and doing nothing until the situation was brought to their attention, or (2) being totally incompetent, or (3) benefiting in some manner.” Based on those opinions, the Massachusetts Fish & Game Commissioner, Deputy Fish & Game Commissioner, Director of the Massachusetts Division of Marine Fisheries, all members of the Atlantic States Marine Fisheries Commission, and several high ranking NOAA officials have resigned in disgrace and are facing indictment as co-conspirators.

Further, citing Mr. B’s irrefutable opinion establishing that natural resource violations by non-Indians only involve minor infractions, a federal forensics team has taken genetic samples from the codfather and his possible co-conspirators. This evidence will be used to establish a suspected familial link to multiple east coast Indian Tribes associated with casinos that likely fund the codfather's illegal operation and launder his ill-gotten profits.