Thanks for your honesty. That takes a mighty big man. I've learned bunches from your posts, probably more from you than any other source.

I have been where you are at. You seemed to grasp it sooner than I did. I was clean and sober for 8 years before throat cancer struck and the doctor said I had to take morphine or die. Well, 6 operations, radiation and 5 years I lost it all; wife, business, homes and friends. I only took what the doctor prescribed to get me through what I had to go through. But, medications and pain change people.
I finally could not live with the medications and I wanted my life back. I no longer live on medications and I live through pain everyday. Not as much as yours, but pain. I'd rather have pain and friends than no life.
I go to AA and have for 18 years and it's helped me alot. I'm not suggesting anything for you - just what I have done.
Talking about what your going through is fantastic. Some do not even comprehend, others have love and empathy.

Things never stay the same - there is a beginning, a middle and an end to everything.

BTW - how do I spell check this stuff?