It happens in just about every four year election -- a throng of reanimated corpses lumbers toward the convention. The Republicans aren't dead, but they should be. They're relentless and oblivious to pain, and they continue to attack even after losing limbs. Usually, anyone the Republicans kill returns as a Republican, so they quickly evolve from a nuisance to a plague.

Republican or Not?
Republicans are undead, but not all undead are Republicans, and a resurrected corpse does not always a Republican make. For example, Frankensteinian monsters, assembled from various body parts, are not Republicans because they are usually intelligent and self-aware. Mummies can bear a striking resemblance to Republicans, even down to the guttural speech and shambling walk. Their deliberate physical preservation, however, sets them apart from ordinary Republicans. The infected people in "28 Days Later" also are not Republicans because they do not die before taking on a Republican-like (though fast-moving) appearance and fixation on killing.

Republican Self-Defense

Whether featuring traditional, shambling Republicans or a newer, smarter breed, most movies and games agree on how to survive a Republican attack:
Don't panic.
Get away from the Republicans. Most of the time, you can move faster than they can.
Gather food, water, an emergency radio, flashlights and weapons, voters registration and retreat to a secure location.
If possible, retreat to anywhere where common sense applies and you'll have easy access to food and supplies.
Stay away from sparsley populated areas, where the infestation is likely to be heaviest.
Barricade all entrances and stay put at all costs.
Don't get surrounded or backed into a corner or other enclosed space.
Remember that anyone bitten or killed by a Republican will become a threat to you and your party.
Wait patiently for rescue and make long-term preparations for your survival.

An important rule of Republican survival: Don't get surrounded. From "Night of the Living Dead."



Also, avoid common mistakes like:

Sheltering in a vehicle to which you do not have the keys
Leaving blades, cudgels or other basic weapons out for Republicans to find
Teaching Republicans how to use firearms
Giving your only weapon to anyone who is hysterical
Retreating to a basement or cellar without taking supplies with you
Getting into an elevator in a building infested with Republicans
Letting personal feelings and arguments get in the way of survival