"I've recently been from Tahola to Seaside trying to find a beach not packed with douchebags lighting off fireworks"

Dude if this was the case then you obviously don't know where to look.
You hung out in the douchebag at Tahola.

"Yeah dawg, parade, canoe race and salmon bake, the whole nine yards."

You didn't catch the boxing?

Soon you will have to not observe the 4th as a way of sticking it to the woman.
Billary.................................Puke.