Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
> >
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
> >
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
> >
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
> >
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive
out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to
send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"




The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll
read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.

A new worker for social services notices that a woman that was recieving a welfare check for 6 kids was due for a visit. Upon reaching her single wide mobile home, he asked her if to verify how many children she had. She informed them that she had 6 boys. "could I see them?" the social worker asked. "Sure, They are just playing down the street" , she replied. She then opened the door and yelled "Tommy!!" at the top of her lungs. In less than a minute 6 boys from 5 to 11 years old ran in the door. "Wow" the social worker exclaimed, "how did they all know to come when you yelled Tommy?"
"Oh", said the mother "I named them all the same so it would be easier on me."
"well, yeahc" says the social worker, "but what about when you only need one of them. What do you do then?"
"Thats easy." said the Mother, "I just use their last name."

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with
a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'

A father walks into his sons room and says...."Son if you masterbate too much you will go blind"......the son replies...."dad i am over here!"

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
This man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


----------------


MAN'S POEM

I pray for a super hottie deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a boat, liquor store, and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t.

Translated:

Me, me, me, me, me, me......

Funny, I thought about you while I posted this...

If the broad has a garden I'll fight ya for her Sol.

Sad sad tale about a man named Decker
cursed from birth with a corkscrew pecker
spent his whole life on a futile chase
searching for a girl with a corkscrew case.

He finally found her
but now he's dead
cause the goddamned thing
had a lefthand thread.

True story

Raunchy and Refreshing

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
____________________________________________

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
____________________________________________

3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

____________________________________________

4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

____________________________________________

5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
____________________________________________


6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
____________________________________________


7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
____________________________________________


8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
____________________________________________


9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
____________________________________________


10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat that last donut.

____________________________________________

11) Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
____________________________________________

12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:
"Are you in?"
____________________________________________


13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
"Honey, I'm home!"

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping
wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter said, "You died in
your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to
live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's
only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm
near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your
first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the
rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no
big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an
egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back
of his head, and heard his wife shout.....
"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"

SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND Lawyers should never ask a
Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known yosince you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He
motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see George W. Bush and Dick Cheney
before I die" whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the White House and waited for a
response. Soon the word arrived. Bush and Cheney would be
delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Bush commented to Cheney "I
don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will
certainly help our images."
Cheney couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Cheney's
hand in his right hand and Bush's hand in his left. There was
silence and a look of serenity on the priest's face.

Finally Vice President Cheney spoke. "Father, of all the people
you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you
as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my
life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Cheney
"Amen" said Bush

The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves.
I would like to do the same."

Post deleted, video won't work.

The Divorced Barbie Doll


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"


The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".



The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"


The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,"Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends"

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-
attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't
quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the
devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a
good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that
all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and
a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've
got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ
saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and
finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . .
















"OK, Monica you're free to go now"

i only know one good one...hope i dont get in trouble

How do you piss your wife off Twice?

Fu@K her in the arse, and wipe you di#k on the curtian!

Hypnotism, a dangerous tool.


A Woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?'
the husband asks, 'What happened?' His wife replies, 'Margie referred me
to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at
myself and repeat' I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I
do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone!'
'Well, that is wonderful.'
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?' The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the
bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bath
room and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes
passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'Boy that was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move!
I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and
round two! It was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and
her head is spinning. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right
back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife qu ietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying, 'She's not my wife. She's
not my wife. She's not my wife!'
His funeral service was last Saturday.

What happens when you go to the casino, get drunk, and pass out in the parking lot?



You wake up with a muckled chute!

What does Michael jackson and Cavier have in common?
They both come on a little white cracker


A man wakes up after a hard nights drinking and sees he has 3 rings on his dick. One pink ring, and 2 brown ones. He rushes to the doctors office and asks the doc what they are. The doc says the first one is lip stick, relieved the man lets out a sigh. The doc says the second one is poop, the man says well that might not be bad. Then the doc says the third on is copenhagen...