The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.'

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

DILBERT'S Rules of Order...

1 - I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.


2 - I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.


3 - Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.


4 - Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.


5 - Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.


6 - I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.


7 - Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?


8 - My reality check bounced.


9 - On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.


10 - I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.


11 - You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.


12 - Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.


13 - Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.


14 - Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.


15 - A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.


16 - Don't be irreplaceable-if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


17 - After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.


18 - The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.


19 - You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.


20 - Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


21 - People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.


22 - If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


23 - When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.


24 - Following the rules will not get the job done.


25 - When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the
world, and not use it ?"
Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I
was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral.

Three men show up at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter greets them and informs them that there is an entrance exam composed of one question: Do you know what Easter is? The first guy says "Sure, that's when the bunny rabbit comes with candy and gifts and the children search for hidden easter eggs." Saint Peter says "I'm sorry, but that is incorrect, and you can't come into heaven." The second man says "I thought that guy had it right - is it when that little green guy comes around with his pot of gold and we drink a lot of green beer?" Saint Peter says "No, that is very wrong, and you can't come into heaven." Saint Peter looks to the third man. The third man clears his throat and says "Easter is when we remember Jesus giving his life upon the cross for our sins on Friday and his resurrection on Sunday." Saint Peter is very pleased and says "No one has gotten the question right for decades now." The third man says "There's more." Saint Peter is puzzled but says "Go on my son." The third man says "when Jesus died, they placed his body in a cave and sealed it with a boulder. Every spring, they take the boulder off the cave, and if Jesus comes out and sees his shadow...."

"Don't miss the Amazing Italian."

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the Big Top, in
the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to
it was an old Italian man. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants,
whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three
mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian
was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later, the salesman visited the same little town, found
the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't miss the
Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much
less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time,
however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The very old Italian man stood before them, then suddenly dropped
his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch
from walnuts to coconuts?"

Well," said the Italian, "my eyes aren't what they used to be."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were traveling when suddenly Tonto stopped Scout and put his ear to the ground.

After a moment he said "buffalo come". This amazed the Lone Ranger who replied "how do you know that, Tonto?"

"Ground sticky"

At the memorial service of Ronald Reagan, Bill and Hillary Clinton were seen dozing off.

Never one to miss out on a good one-liner, Reagan sat up and said: "I see the Clinton's are sleeping together again."

The fourth grade teacher asked for someone to use fascinate in a sentence.
Little Mary tried but used fascinating so the teacher went one. Little Joanie tried but used the word fascinated. So, finally the reluctant teacher called on little Billy, the class clown.

"My aunt got a new sweater that has ten buttons. But, her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

A woman alone at a party scanned the male guests and when she saw one that was attractive to her she approached him.

"My name is Carmen" she told him.

"That's a beautiful name" he replied. "Is that a family name?"

"No" she said. "It's a name I gave to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life...cars and men. So, what's your name?"

With a smile he replied "B.J. Titsenbeer."

These are a few Steven Wright-isms I needed to share with you kind people just to start the Year off correctly!!
This is the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement, and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, . . . but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever . . . so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't!

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra but his request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.

"It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained.

"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented.

"But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

Another Steven Wrightism:

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the bank like an idiot."

Even more Steven Wright:

I was sitting on the bus when on walked this beautiful, blonde, chinese girl. She sat next to me and said "My therapist says I'm a nymphomaniac that's only turned on by jewish cowboys."

I said "Hi, my name's Bucky Goldstein."

And still more:

"I'm really getting into astronomy. I put a skylight in my ceiling....really pissed off the people that live above me".

THE BEST DAMN "LITTLE JOHNNY" JOKE EVER!

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent's room
to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the
dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a
little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished,
Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find
Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!' Little Johnny
replied, 'It's not so funny when it's your mom, is it.

Know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly? Janest Reno is her dad.

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then le! ave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...! "

Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."

Cowboy Logic

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of either shooting or trapping the predators, the tree huggers had a more humane method of dealing with them.

They proposed that coyotes be caught in live traps, the males castrated and then let loose, thus controlling the population.

All of the ranchers in the room thought about this idea for a few minutes. One old boy in the back of the room stood up, tipped his hat back and said "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. The coyotes ain't fu**in' the sheep, they're eatin' 'em."

Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 .. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 .. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support