Sard,

Headlock? You mean the roommate episode of '94, and not the 'High School Crapped His Pants incident of 1988'?

The female was roommate and someone I worked with. Not very attractive, kinda stupid, but nice. My best friend at the time was Portugese. She says out loud once "Isn't Portugal near Ohio?"

Anyways the short version is she had this huge obsession with me. It was because I ignored her. That seems to drive some girls wild. So when I told her I was moving out at the end of the month because it was affecting my social life, she turned into Courtney Love.

Now I ask all of you, who wouldn't want to pepperspray Courtney Love?

She got drunk at 3 am on a weekday, started crying and smashing beer bottles. I needed to be at school at 530am. She woke me up three times in an hour. I snapped. I told her that I would call her mom or sister to get her if she didn't calm down. When I woke for the third time, she had cut the freakin phone line. So I told her to get out or I would pepper her. I was afraid she'd kill me if I went back to sleep, or burn all my stuff if I left. So I peppered her. And she still didn't leave. I waited about 5 minutes and peppered her again. And she still didn't leave.

I peppered her at a distance of about 2 feet, twice. My Gawd if someone farts in my direction I'm looking for the escape route. I will never entirely understand WTF was going on that nite.

I opened the door, and like the white trash neighborhood it was yelled out "Someone call the cops before this **&^7 kills both of us!" I left the door open so it would air out and so the PD could see what was going on before they hit the door. I didn't want them to get nervous and shoot me.

So Boise PD shows up, I'm tired but sober and apparently rationale. She's drunk, glass broken all over the kitchen, half scribbled love letters all over the kitchen table, mascara running down her face. I'm having a sick flashback just writing this. And the trainee asks me why I peppered her. I refrained from from doing the actual impersonation of Jimbo from South Park episode #103, but still said "Well she was coming right at me."

And he says again, "But why did you pepper that poor girl? She's alot smaller than you."

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Well if I had her in a headlock when you came through my door, you would have put that nightstick up my ass."


That was the climax of a platonic relationship.


Ohhh that's a quotable quote. I had to let it stand alone.

VHawk