i still want him back...i got through today a little better...thanks for everyones kind words...it has been helping me greatly...im sure its going to take time...i looked at old photos and noticed he used to be able to run and jump, something he has not been able to do for a while..maybe its so tough cause i have never had kids and towards the end we were more than anything taking care of him to avoid what we needed to do...i am sure i will always feel like we could have kept him around longer but when is enough? im surpised im the big baby, he was really tonys dog...he is hurt but he has been the one telling me to think of something else...i dont know how people can deal with this...it really helped my mom and bruce came over last night, bruce being a lover of all animals really helped talking with him, he has put 4 of his cats down in the last several years all cats that lasted over 15 years..all creamated and he has ashes for each one, surprisingly prob spent 5k on each one trying to just prolong their lives..i guess thats where i would have to draw the line..cash and me dont part well..ryelee only cost by the month with a drawn out payment hahah...see i am starting to do better, that was a little hahah...thanks guys...it feels good just to try to get this out..i told tony i may need to see a counslor...we will see in a few weeks...it is getting a little better, it has been amazing how much cleaning we have done...i have always felt the house was never clean cause of the dog...stupid dog...i never thought i loved him so much