A friend sent me this great National Lampoon piece. It's at once hilarious and sobering!

> Subject: AIRPORT SECURITY
>
> National Lampoon's Transportation Security Administration
>
> By Larry Simoneaux
>
> We've got a gazillion dollar airline industry whose job it is to convey
> people from one place to another in airplanes. It does (and has done)
> this with a safety record that's truly remarkable. Recent events,
> however, have shown us that the world harbors some seriously deranged
> people who are willing to climb aboard airplanes and do really nasty
> things with them.
> Because of this, we've had to give airport security a hard look. This
> turned up several problems. One was that, under harsh scrutiny, "Did
> you pack your own bag today?" didn't turn out to be the hard-nosed
> deterrent it was meant to be. A much more serious problem, however, was
> the finding that airport screeners were not well trained, had a
> horrendous turnover rate, and were often paid less than janitors working
> at the same airport.
>
> Enter Congress - a group renowned for the fact that rational thought
> seldom ripples the serene surface of its collective mind. After looking
> into the situation, they said we had to improve airport security.
>
> (A good start.)
>
> They said we had to improve the quality of airport screeners, reduce
> turnover, and increase their pay.
>
> (I was still with them.)
>
> They said that pork, politics, and partisanship would be put aside for
> the good of the country. Airline safety was going to be the bottom
> line.
>
> (I had tears in my eyes, my hand over my heart, and was humming America
> the Beautiful.)
>
> They said, "We're going to turn airline security over to the federal
> government."
>
> (Do what??)
>
> The federal government, do consider, which is home to: The Helium
> Reserve (in case our fleet of battle blimps ever runs low on helium);
> Federal Housing (now, in many places, being dynamited into oblivion);
> The War on Poverty (motto: Trillions down the drain and we ain't plugged
> it yet); and the Honey Subsidy (those bees are still suffering) - to
> name but a few.
>
> So, Congress federalized airport screeners. Then, in a move guaranteed
> to make us feel safer, the Transportation Security Administration
> announced that (I couldn't make this up if I wanted to) airport
> screeners will not be required to have high school diplomas. I wonder
> what the recruiting posters are going to say? "Have we got a job for
> you!" What about entrance exams? Are they going to have something to do
> with Legosİ and finger-painting?
>
> But wait. There's more.
>
> To ensure we never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent on
> killing us - airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people.
> They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids,
> airline pilots with proper identification, and Secret Service agents who
> are members of the President's security detail. Pause a moment and take
> the following test.
>
> In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
> (a) Norwegians from Ballard;
> (b) Elvis;
> (c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or
> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
>
>
> In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
> (a) A pizza delivery boy;
> (b) Crazed feminists screeching that being able to throw a grenade
> beyond its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in
> basic training;
> (c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day; or
> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
>
>
> In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
> (a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in Godfather 2;
> (b) The Tooth Fairy;
> (c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from
> the train thing; or
> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
>
>
> In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
> (a) Mr. Rogers;
> (b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wee Willie's women problems;
> (c) the WWF, to promote its next villain: Mustapha the Merciless; or
> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
>
>
> On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
> (a) Bugs Bunny,
> (b) the Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their attempted
> Hijacking
> of the 2000 Presidential election;
> (c) Mr. Bean; or
> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
>
>
> How'd you do? Did you detect a pattern that would indicate we'd better
> take a close look at a certain type of individual who might be boarding
> an airplane with something on his mind other than what's the in-flight
> movie?
>
> You think so? Horrors! You re nothing more than a closet racist who
> could never be hired as an official federal airport screener. So, as
> it now stands, we have the Transportation Security Administration
> (letterhead: No way we're flying.) trying to improve the professionalism
> of airport screeners by lowering standards and forbidding the use of
> common sense in screening people.
>
> Makes sense, right? Right.
>
> Pardon me while I go bang my head against the wall. Maybe that'll help
> me understand.