31 October 2001

This Marriage-Counseling Scam is a Real MoneyMaker

By L. Phillip Udall

There's a sucker born every minute, and as a National Board For Certified
Counselors-licensed marriage counselor, I know that better than anyone. For
22 years, I've bilked troubled couples out of their hard-earned cash by
actually convincing them that their marital problems have a solution and
that I can give it to them. Yep, this marriage-counseling scam is a real
moneymaker!

I hate to give away my secrets, but I'll let you in on the basics, just so
you can see what an amazing racket I have going. It's so simple, anyone can
pull it off.

First, you've got to find a school that offers a master's degree in
counseling. They have them all over the country, and most of them will
accept just about anybody. For just a little bit of money up front ? believe
me, you'll recoup your investment hundreds of times over ? they'll let you
in on all the secrets of the big marriage-counseling swindle. They'll tell
you what to say, show you what books to have lining your office shelves, and
teach you time-tested techniques from all the old pros and big rollers in
the biz.

After you get your degree, the next step is to take the National Counselor
Examination for Licensure and Certification. Once that's done, it's time to
start making the green! Get yourself some puppets and big foam bats and ****
like that. (I'm not going to tell you where I got mine, because I have my
own special type of rag doll I like to use, and I don't want anybody moving
in on my hustle.) Set yourself up in a nice little office with some couches
and lacquered diplomas and a receptionist up front just to make everything
look legit. Then sit back and watch the cash roll in.

I have no idea why this works, but it does. Basically, all you do is sit
there and listen. I'm serious! A good 75 percent of my "job" is listening as
some miserable husband-and-wife team drones on about their problems. Every
once in a while, you say something like, "Well, what are some things Don
could do to make you feel like he appreciates you?" Or, "Don, did you even
know Wendy felt this way?" The rest of the time, it's just keep the eyes
open, nod, and cash the checks.

Last week alone, my haul was a cool $4,500, and I made it just sitting on my
ass. Check this out: These couples pay me $200 an hour, and I get paid
whether I solve their problems or not. If they leave crying their eyes out,
I get paid. If they end up getting divorced... paid!

But, wait, it gets even better. Rather than scam a bunch of couples for $200
and then flee, setting up my "office" on some other corner, I actually stay
in one place and make repeat customers out of them! Some of them, I've had
coming in on a weekly basis for years! So, this month alone, it's $200,
$200, $200, $200... thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Abramson, and don't let the
glass door with my name tastefully stenciled on it hit you on the ass on the
way out.

I know what some of you are thinking. How can you prey on these innocent
people? Hey, I didn't ask them to be born stupid! That's their own damn
fault! Or, as I find out with a lot of them, it's their parents' fault.
(When in doubt, trace it back to the parents.) It's like they're begging to
be ripped off.

Take this one gullible couple I had in here today. The Ortons. The husband
says he feels "smothered." The wife, meanwhile, says she's "not
self-actualized" in the marriage, whatever the hell that means. So I let
them jabber on for a good 20 minutes while I think about the hot speedboat
I'm planning to buy. Finally, I ask, "Well, how much time do you spend
together?" Turns out, they both work out of their home, and not only do they
have no mental or physical boundaries to separate work time and social time,
but they also have almost no autonomous recreational interests.

So what do I do? You're gonna love this. I tell them to take out a piece of
paper and draw up a schedule that includes "Together Time" and "Independence
Time." Do you know how much thought I put into that genius advice? Zero.
Zip. Nothing. For that, I got $200 smackeroos! The best part is, as they
were leaving, I said, "Come back next week, and we'll see how that schedule
is working." Ha, ha! They actually thanked me as they walked out!

As a break from counting my money, I've been working on a book called Family
Foundations: Building The Base That Will Sustain Your Marriage For A
Lifetime. When it hits bookstores, I'll be pulling in the chump change all
across the country. The publisher will do my work and just send me the
check. Ka-ching!

Yeah, I've got a pretty sweet thing going here. Of course, any time you're
running a scam on someone, you've got to keep in mind that it won't last
forever. No matter how good it is, eventually, somebody's gonna sniff you
out. That's why I've been socking away a little of the dough every month,
just in case someone catches on to me. If that day ever comes, you can find
me in Key West, a bottle of suntan lotion in one hand and a drink in the
other.

See ya, suckers!