The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.'

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.